I just had an abysmal performance in the Thursday night game. Down with the bots. I wrote an article last week but didn’t get the chance to post it as a result of not being at a computer. I went almost 100% Jameis and was eating a fucking W until I realized I paired him entirely with Callaway and had Adams on the comeback. I had a very strong take against Mixon that doesn’t need to be mentioned so maybe it’s good it wasn’t posted.

I don’t have much to get into for week 2 quarterbacks. The Vikings looked like ass shit last week, so I expect Kyler to absolutely dick slap once again this week. He will obviously be very popular. Other QBs I like are Dak, Sherbert, and Kirk. You can either out think yourself or just go down the list of high Vegas totals and start spraying. Kirk is probably my least favorite player in the NFL so it’s really tough to click him, but this is one of those games where the Vikings get dad dicked and Kirk ends up having a monster game through garbage time. I might even sprinkle a little Brussell in there in a high total game vs. the Titans.

Running backs this week are also pretty straightforward for me. I’ll talk about a certain one a little further down, but there are a few others I’m liking. Do we go back to Zeke? No, he is the crustiest RB on the slate. The only merit to playing him is some leverage off of the chalk guzzling WR in that game. I don’t give a shit if I’m chasing points, but I’ll be playing a lot of Frankenstein Montgomery this week. The Bengals are dog shit. I’ll play some McCaffrey, Ekeler, and King Henry, but that Kamara price tag is way too fucking high with big Wangston slinging it. I’m not touching him with a ten foot pole.

Let’s move on to WR. An obvious stack with Murray is Hopkins. I love a comeback of either Jefferson or Jefferson+Osborn. Dak pairing with Lamb of God and Cooper with a comeback of Keenan Allen will be highly owned for good reason. Any QB I listed above is stackable, of course. A WR that isn’t quite as obvious is Deebo. The Pornstar is fucking terrible, but he loves pepper Deebo with targets and the Eagles offense is good enough to create a shootout environment. It also kind of looks like the Seacocks-Titans game will be under-ownded. Cooper Kupp with MVP Stafford in the dome is an awesome play as well. Other wide receivers I’ll be playing this week are Metcalf, Thielen, AJ Brown, Allen Robinson, Laviska (too cheap), and KJ Hamler. I could be guzzling chalk, but these are the plays I like so far.

For tight ends this week I have 3 in mind so I’ll keep this section short. I will not pay up for tight end all year. I’m addicted to playing the fucking scrubs, I just can’t help myself. I’m going back to the well on Gronklin a bit and potentially some Kroft, but my main play is going to be Pat Freiermouth. At $2700 you just can’t beat that and the bloke is probably going to get 2 TDs. There is nothing I hate more than paying like $6k for a tight end only to have him suck his own fucking dick.

At defense I’m going as low as possible again this week. I like the Jets, the Eagles, and maybe the Bears.

Ok now the time has come. The Cash God Guarantee. I think we already know that it’s Dick fucking Chubb week but let me formally say it: It’s Dick fucking Chubb week. Dick Chubb is going to absolutely cock slam the terrible Texans defense early and often. This seems to be one of those games where he has like 200 yards and 4 TDs. The Texans are so fucking bad I have no idea how they beat the Jags but there is no way that is happening again this week. Here’s a picture of me when Big Chubb runs his 4th in:

I’ll be back on Tuesday or Wednesday for a recap and a look ahead at next weeks Thursday nighter.