I took an absolute bath last week in both slates and the showdown. I played Jimmy G and got what I deserved. I do think the process was there despite the outcome. The Cowboy’s offense went full Darren Waller on us, preventing any possibility of a shootout. A Mike McCarthy special in the playoffs.

The slate was too broken to write a preview but I am back for the Divisional round with a four-game slate that spans two days. The best part about that is that I’ll be sweating it overnight no matter how dead my lineups are after day one. As they say, you can late swap out of any situation into a million dollars. You played Tanne and he has 5 points after the Saturday games? Time to start researching punt returners and third-string tight ends to make the late swap of a lifetime. Worst case you can use that information for showdown.

Stafford is the best QB play on the slate by far. The last good QB the Bucs faced was Josh Allen, who shit on them like a goose at the local pond for 42 in week 14. Stafford himself had 32 when they blasted the Bucs in week 3. I expect him to do his best goose impression against the Bucs this Sunday. The only other QB I like this week is Mahomes. Brady wilts like a weeping willow when he gets pressure up the middle and the Rams D line is going to feast on a banged-up Bucs line.

At RB it looks like Playoff Lenny is gathering a significant amount of ownership. Feel free to reverse indicate this, but I’m going to fade him. Gio looked good last week and had a massive game when they played LA earlier this year. Tampa will be playing from behind again.

A few other running backs I like are Mixon, Mitchell, and Singletary. The Chiefs still suck donkey dick at defending the run and Singletary has the firmest grasp on that backfield that I’ve ever seen. That game environment is clearly the best on the slate.

At WR there are so many fucking options. Jason Robins is too busy buying NFTs and tweeting from his burner to give a shit about the price of Tyreek Hill on his site. I’m just not sure how that got through all levels of review much less the first level. Here’s Robins on his burner answering his own question in a reply to his main account’s tweet:

Great question.

If you are playing Stafford you are obviously firing Kupp and Shit Chest. Robins was extremely disrespectful to Shit Chest when setting his price. He is somehow only $5300 after laying the Stanley steamer on the Cardinals last week. A few of the other WR I like are Tyreek (see above), Deebo, Davante Adams, Boyd (Titans may be able to get more pressure on Burrow, forcing short routes to Boyd), Cobb, and Isaiah McKenzie (Dart). Here is Shit Chest getting oxygen to protect his lungs from the shit this Sunday:

At TE I’ll play Gronk and Uzomah. You can obviously stack Kelce with Mahomes, but otherwise, those other two are the best plays. Gronk has been getting fed targets like he’s at the fucking Pizza Ranch Buffett with Kirk Cousins.

One last thing at TE before I move on. Josh Allen allegedly called Dawson Knox several times in one night to get him to play video games with him. I think we can safely call this the Striking Vipers narrative. If you haven’t seen the Black Mirror episode I’m referencing here, look up the plot or watch the episode. In summary, Knox is fully in play this week.

At defense, KC and Buffalo are being overlooked. The higher-scoring games are great for defensive scoring opportunities. The other defense I like is Cincy, Tanne sucks and may be forced to throw more than he’d like.

The Divisional Round Cash God Guarantee is Mike Evans. Everyone is going to be afraid to play Evans because of Ramsey, so he will likely come in under-owned. The Bucs will be throwing all game and he is one of two targets for SysTom. I can’t believe I didn’t play him last week and I won’t be caught without him this week. I had to really resist making Shit Chest the CGG for the third time this season, so just keep that in mind. At some point this Sunday the wall in my apartment will be dented, but until then:

I’ll be back next week for the NFC Championship games.

-CashGod-