I had a great single-entry lineup outside of Kramer fucking Hickock. I couldn’t find a better play and the name just fit. I cashed though, finally. It was min-cash of course, but profit is profit. Rahm was absolute dicks out from start to finish. He somehow only won by one stroke, which seems low considering he was around -170 on Friday.
I’ll get into the plays.
It’s another Rory week. I promised I wouldn’t play him after he cut his own dick off at the Valero Texas Open and there’s no way I’m going against that promise this week. If he wins I’ll gladly gurgle my own sack.
My favorite plays in the $10k range are Abraham “Lincoln” Ancer and Matt Fitzmagic. Both are the best leverage off of Rory in this range and fit the course extremely well. Ancer has been shitting bricks recently with a a few underwhelming finishes and a missed cut in his past 4 events, but he is in a great spot to bounce back this week.
Fitzmagic’s last event was RBC Heritage and holy shit he was fucking dog ass. He ended +3 and missed the cut. He wasn’t even within 2 strokes of the cutline. Luckily, he finished T14 at The Masters and T5 at Valspar in the 2 events prior to RBC. I expect him to be much lower owned than Rory and Conners and to regain his form in this weaker field. Fitzmagic footage from last week:
It’s time. It’s Gary Woodcock week. I’m not sure what happened at The Masters, I’d like to chalk that up to variance. The geezer Beenhard Langer finished with the same score (+8). That is unacceptable when there is around a 50-year age gap between the two. Having said that, he looked good last week in Mexico (T24) and finished T8 at the Valero Texas Open in early April. I expect him to play well this week.
The second play I like in the $9k range is Tyrrell Hatton. He is just under $10k, but it feels like he is by far the best player in this range. Similar to Woodcock, I’m not sure what happened at The Masters. He made the cut but ended +17. What the fuck. Outside of that he’s been good with a T26 at RBC Heritage and a T13 in a good field at The Players. Live shot of me going back to the well and clicking on these two sacks of shit:
My first play in the $8k range is Max Homa. He is going to be the highest owned golfer in this range, but for great reason. He is coming off of a 48th place finish in a tough Masters field but has 4 straight top 20s before that. I expect him to bring his dick out and be a good play even with the projected ownership.
The next play is Webb Simpson. He is seemingly all the way back from his injury despite some average results in his last few events. Finishing T35 at The Masters gives me confidence that he will be able to whip IT around a bit this week. He won’t be very highly owned and does seem to be a bit underpriced($8.1k).
My last words in this section are that I still haven’t forgiven Paul Casey for what he did at The Masters. He was there to take pictures with the grass and maybe fire off a few dick pics with the 18th green as a backdrop. There is nothing that can convince me otherwise. Paul Casey trying to figure out why no one is playing him this week:
Gas up the jet. We are going back to Jhonattan Vegas. He is by far the best play in the $7k range and will be great leverage off of chalky Keith Mitchell. He finished T18 in his last event (Valero Texas Open) and finished T27 at the Valspar Championship in March. I will add the disclaimer that this is his first tournament since “arm surgery”, which I can only assume was from jacking off 5 times per day. His ownership will be low so you will be rewarded if you take the risk and he plays well.
The other play I like here is Sepp Straka. This has to be the best stretch of his career. His last 3 results are T3 at RBC Heritage, T30 at The Masters, and T9 at The Players. If that doesn’t look like a guy taking his dick out of his pants and swinging it around I don’t know what does. He might be a little higher owned, but he is a great play.
In the $6k range we are going back to the fucking well. It’s Kiradech Aphibarnrat time once again. It seems like he mails it in once he makes the cut, but at this price that’s all you really need.
The other play I like is Ryan Armour. He gurgled sack last week and got cut, but finished T15 the week prior to that. It’s geezer narrative with him at age 46. This course will require craftiness and he has plenty of experience. There will not be much ownership in the $6ks and you’ll be able to get him under 5%.
Footage of Aphibarnrat approaching the tee box:
It’s time for the CGG. This week it is Sergio Garcia. He has been playing great lately, with 6 straight made cuts, a top 25 finish at the Masters in his last event, and a 26th place finish amongst another tough field at The Players in March. Uncle Sergio is underpriced and looks to be under-owned. This is the best play on the entire slate and I’m ready to win. Variance has to swing back in my favor one of these weeks with the CGGs.
I’ll be back next week.
-CashGod-
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The Cash God 