Last week was bad, real bad. I tried to chase the golf losses with NBA slates and just ended up paying Jason Robins a few more dollars. I am the rake. Woodcock was a complete failure. I am almost convinced he should retire at this point. If he’s getting completely dick-dusted in tournaments like that, he will have an impossible task of competing in actual events when the time comes. A weekly tradition when I check my lineup for cuts on Saturday morning:

It’s time for the plays. Who the fuck is Bryan Nelson and do they really have to throw in the AT&T ad in the name of the tournament?

The best play in the $10k range is very clear to me this week. It’s Scottie Scheffler. There’s no reason to avoid the train. I am getting on the train, full mast, ready to win money on Scottie’s back. He will be the only golfer above $10k that I play this week. I found a clip of Scheffler answering the question of whether his foot long dick gets in the way of his game at all:

This $9k range was a bit tricky for me. The first play I like here is Tommy Fleetwood. He has been playing as well as anyone over his last 5 events with a top 10 and two top 20s. He should be under 10% owned so you’ll get be able to get off of the chalk guzzlers Sam Burnt-Dick and Zalatoris. I expect him to be in the mix to win it this week in what is expected to be a birdie contest.

My favorite play in this range is Joaquin Niemann. Similar to Fleetwood Mac, he provides a bit of a pivot off of the chalk. He didn’t play in this tournament last year but is coming off of 4 straight made cuts (including a T12 at RBC Heritage, T35 at the Masters, and T22 at The Players). This field is stronger than the one a few weeks ago at RBC Heritage, but field strength hasn’t stopped him from letting his dick creep out of his shorts and finishing well. Joaquin after he sinks a putt for the win on Sunday:

The $8k range is great this week. There are way too many plays I like here. We gassed up the jet and took it to Vegas last week. Good news – the jet’s back at the terminal with a full tank and an open door. Jhonattan looked great despite “arm” surgery that I’m beginning to think was a simple dick reduction surgery. I’ll be honest I’ve had it myself, so I don’t blame him for getting the procedure. It’s truly life-changing when you don’t have to worry about it getting caught between the club and the ball. He’s coming off a 9th place finish at this event last year and 4 straight made cuts, including a top 5 finish in his past 5 tournaments.

The next play we know all too well. It’s Jason Cockrack. You may be saying to yourself, “Holy shit can this guy shut the fuck up about Cockrack?”. My response to that is that we don’t know how many more chances we will get to play this legend on the PGA Tour so enjoy it while it lasts. Cockrack did not play at this event last year but is coming off 3 straight made cuts and a top 15 finish. Cockrack drilling birdie after birdie:

My favorite play in the $7k range is Alex Noren. He has been dialed in this year. This price ($7.9k) feels a bit too low considering the rest of the $7k-$8k range. He finished 21st at this tournament last year and has made 5 straight cuts (T42 at RBC Heritage, T12 at Valspar, and T26 at The Players).

The other play in this range is Si Woo Kim. Kim is exactly what you look for when you are searching for a GPP play. 1) Massive fucking dick 2) Low ownership 3) Boom or bust. He has made 5 cuts in a row, including 2 top 20s, and placed 55th in this tournament last year. Si Woo describing his play style:

An honorable mention for the $7k range is Patton “Jizzer” Kizzire. He paid homage to Rory and gurgled his own sack at the Valero Texas Open a month ago, but bounced back and finished T26 at RBC Heritage. I expect him to be around 5% owned and a great play.

The first play I like in the $6k range is Pat Perez. PP. He finished 39th here last year, made 4 cuts in his last 5 events, and finished T33 in a tough field at The Players earlier this year. He can finish well even in slightly stronger fields like this week.

Stephan Jaeger only knows how to order one type of drink and it’s Jagerbombs. He is playing some of the best golf of his career with a T15 at the Mexico Championship and a 5th place finish last week at the Wells Fargo Championship. The iron is hot. It’s Jagerbombs time this weekend.

We have arrived at the CGG. It’s Power Hour. Seamus chomped on his dick last week and missed the cut, but finished T27 at the Masters and T33 at The Players in the two weeks before that. He will be almost unowned (likely less than 5%) and is a bit underpriced at $7.9k. They’re going to call 4pm on Sunday the Power Hour when my dick drills through my wall like a power tool performing construction after Seamus sinks each putt.

I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

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