I got what I deserved by making Uncle Dustball Johnson the Cash God Guarantee last week. The guy forgot his Viagra at home and limp-dicked his way through two +3 rounds to miss the cut. I’m not sure what else I expected. Another massive disappointment was Daniel Berger. The Burgers were undercooked and everyone involved got exploding diarrhea. He was +10 on Friday, which I didn’t think was possible. I could not overcome those two being in 60%+ of my lineups and ultimately lost almost everything.

I found this quote by Alan Bastable, a golf.com writer, recapping what happened to Mito Pereira on the final hole on Sunday. He specifically refers to Mito gurgling his own sack on national television:

It’s time for this week’s plays.

I hate to do this, but one of the plays I like in the $10k+ range is Justin Thomas. It looks like everyone is worried about the hangover narrative coming into play (projected 10% ownership). The last time he won the PGA Championship (2017) he then went on to finish T6 in his next event so that eased my hangover concern a bit. He has 4 top 10 finishes in his last 5 events and is playing some of the best golf of his career.

Here I am jacking off Scheffler and Rahm all last week only to have Scheffler miss the cut and Rahm be absolutely useless all weekend. Having said that I’m going back to the Scheffler well. I’m not sure if the “favorite course” thing was a complete lie, but he fucking sucked at Southern Hills.

I’m a bit worried that he’s regressing back to the mean, but he’s still finished in the top 10 in 4 of his last 6 events (including 3 wins). I’ll be much heavier on Scheffler than Thomas and I refuse to eat the Spieth chalk. They’ll have to shut down my account before I do that. Here’s a video of Scheffler warming up before the PGA Championship, ready to suck his own balls:

The first play I like in the $9k range is Tony Finau. It feels like he has been playing for an eternity, but somehow he’s only 32 so he isn’t on the geezer list just yet. He has been top 30 in this event (including a second-place finish in 2019) in his last 4 attempts. He’s coming off 4 straight made cuts this year, with a T30 at the PGA Championship, a T2 at the Mexico Open, and a T35 at the Masters. It’s safe to say his dick is out and it’s not going back into his pants anytime soon.

For the next one, I’m going back to the fucking well like a donkey going to water in the desert. It’s time to wheel the grills out again and cook some fucking burgers. Daniel Berger will likely be a bit overlooked this week after his performance at the PGA Championship, but he finished T20 last year at this tournament and won it in a playoff in 2020. If we ignore the dick-dusting that occurred last week, Burger has 2 top 25s and a 4th place finish at the Honda Classic in his last 4 tournaments. This is a great week for him to bounce back.

The $8k range was already a bit thin and then Deshambles withdrew. Not that I was going to play that shitter either way, but still. My favorite play in this range is Fleetwood Mac. Since his missed cut at The Honda Classic in February his dick length has equaled his hair length. He has 7 straight made cuts, including a T5 at the PGA Championship last week and a T14 at the Masters last month. This is one of the best plays in the entire field.

I considered mentioning Mito here, but I think he might be completely fucked after last week. The second play I like in the $8k range is Billy Horsecock. Horschel has 3 straight made cuts and a 43rd place finish at the Masters this year. He’s made his last 4 cuts at this tournament and is a good play in a dogshit range of players. I found a video of Horsecock Horschel patrolling one of the sand traps last week:

This $7k range is deep. It was difficult for me to narrow it down to two plays. My favorite play is Brian Harman. If you want to talk about great course history, this is it. Year after year he fucking slaps this course (5 straight made cuts, including 2 top 10s). I might be guzzling a little chalk at around 15%, but he’s a great play coming off of a T34 at the PGA Championship last week and a top 10 at the Wells Fargo Championship in the week prior.

The second play I like here is Cameron Tringale. He is one of the better values in this range and will provide some leverage (~4% ownership). He has made 4 straight cuts, including a T41 at the PGA Championship and a T12 at RBC Heritage. I saw some sort of triangle shit trending on Twitter one day this week so it’s only fitting that he plays well this week.

The best play in the $6k range is Rory. No, not the fucking dustball that is Rory McIlroy. Outside of his withdrawal at the Arnold Palmer, Sabbatini has made 5 straight cuts with a T25 finish at AT&T Byron Nelson. At age 46 this play is full-blown geezer narrative. I expect him to play well on a course where he has a great history (4 made cuts in the last 5 years and 3 top 20 finishes).

The next play I like here is Adam Long. He snaked his dick into his own throat at the Wells Fargo Championship at the beginning of the month, but this course has been kind to him in the past so he is set up for a bounce back. He’s finished in the top 20 in 2 of the last 3 years at this event and had back-to-back top 15 finishes this year before the missed cut at the Wells Fargo Championship. Long to the field after winning this week:

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. Forgive me if you’ve heard this name before. It’s Jason fucking Cockrack. I don’t give a shit how many times I mention him in the articles. I’ll mention him until he isn’t the best play in the entire field. He shit the bed over the weekend at the PGA Championship, but he’s ready to redeem himself on a course that was made for him. He’s the defending champ at this tournament and finished 3rd in 2020. He’s made 4 straight cuts this year and has a T14 at the Masters. I have no fucking idea how he’s only projected to be 10% owned, but I’ll have around 90% leverage on the field if that’s the case. This is the fucking week I get it right. Here’s an old video of Cockrack and I celebrating a hole in 1 he had in one of our casual rounds together:

I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

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