My nightmare came true this past week. Rory fucking won it. I also had to endure Brandon Wu withdrawing before the tournament began, absolutely dick dusting my single entry lineup. Then Hatton and Schwab took turns shitting on each other throughout Thursday and Friday. All things considered, it was a top 5 worst possible result. What was supposed to be a bankroll building week turned into another fucking deposit. My response to anyone speculating about how much I’ve deposited over the past year:
It’s time for the plays.
If you think I’m going to play Rory just because he won, think again. I’m not touching him with a 10-foot pole. He is going to be the chalk donkey of the $10k range and has lost the ability to win meaningful events. I wouldn’t blame anyone for playing Scheffler and I’ll probably play him a bit myself, but these next two are the best plays above $10k.
My favorite play is Cam Smith. I said this last week, but I’m going back to the fucking well once again. He didn’t have his best tournament in Canada, finishing 48th, but he had back-to-back T13s before that and finished T3 at the Masters in April. Historically, he has not been great at U.S. Open’s, but this year he is bringing his dick out unlike any other year and this is a completely different course. He won’t catch as much ownership as the others in this range but carries the same upside. Sometimes you just have to play the hits until they finally come through for you.
You may think I just copy-pasted this whole $10k section from one of the other articles but it’s time to dial up the Papa and order another large pepperoni pizza. Papa Jon Rahm shit himself at the PGA Championship but bounced back with a T10 at the Memorial Tournament 2 weeks ago. Again, like Cam Smith, he will be lower owned than fucking Rory and similar to JT but will have the same upside (higher upside than Rory of course because Rory has a negative chance to win). If Rahm wins me a million this week I’ll do the Papa John’s challenge:
The first name that my eyes are drawn to in the $9k range is Bigdicki Matsuyama. Before I say anything else I will say that if he has any more paint, jizz, or whatever was on his club he needs to be removed from the tour forever. I cannot handle another 25%+ personal ownership withdraw. He has withdrawn 2 times in the last 5 events so there is no guarantee here, but it seems like his neck issue (what caused the first one) is behind him and we already went over the club shit. Outside of these WDs, he has a T3 at the AT&T Byron Nelson and a T14 at the Masters. He’s a great leverage play to get off of chalky Will Zalatoris.
I hate it, but my next play is Jordan Spieth. Dustball Johnson and his 3% ownership are staring me in the face, but I can’t play that sack of shit after what he did at the PGA Championship. Ever since Spieth stretched his nuts into his throat at the Masters (missing the cut) he’s been playing great golf. He has 3 top 10s, including a win, in his last 5 tournaments.
Stop me if you’ve heard this before. Get the fucking propane and light the grill. We are cooking some Bergers again this weekend. I just can’t help but play the hits every week. He finished T5 last time we saw him in a very tough field at the Memorial Tournament. He did miss the cut at the last major, but has a T13 at THE PLAYERS and made the cut at the Masters. He’s a great play this week at $8.4k.
It took a lot of willpower to not mention Brooks Koepka, but he just got married and I think the only club he’s touched in the last two weeks is his own dick.
No one performed worse last week than Tyrrell Hatton. As I’ve said several times, I’m not afraid to go back to the fucking well like a wandering desert donkey in search of just a sip of water. I’ll chalk last week up to him getting ready for this tournament because he had made 9 straight cuts and had a T13 at the PGA Championship before the gurgling. I expect him to have a big bounce back this week. He’s being overlooked (5% projected ownership) in a price range that features some of the higher-owned golfers like Burns (18%), Finau (17%), and Homa (15%). Here’s a picture of Hatton warming up before the RBC (Really Big Cock) Canadian Open last week:
My top play in the $7k range is Tommy Fleetwood. His price seems a bit too low so he may get some ownership, but he is the best player in this range. He’s made 8 of his last 9 cuts, including a T14 at the Masters and a T5 at the PGA Championship. He played at something called the Double Penetration World Tournament last week instead of the RBC Canadian Open and finished T10. I don’t see how he isn’t going to be higher owned than the 14% he’s projected, but he is a great play with high upside.
The other play I like here is the patented Gooch/Cockrack combo. I am going to be absolutely balls deep on Gooch this week. I assume everyone forgot about him after he played in the LIV tournament last weekend but he should not be priced at $7.5k. He’s made 4 of his last 5 cuts with a T14 at the Masters and a T20 at the PGA Championship. He is the best leverage you can get this weekend off of chalk Sungjae Im who is supposed to be over 20% owned.
There are still rumors around Cockrack joining the LIV tour so there’s no guarantee how many more times we will be able to play this fucking legend on a weekly basis. If you thought Gooch was good value, it gets even better with Cockrack. He’s made 5 straight cuts and has a T14 at the Masters this year.
Phil the Thrill must have a similar mind to myself when it comes to gambling except I don’t have $50 million. I will have a ceremonial lineup that he will be a part of but otherwise, I won’t be playing him.
My favorite play in the $6k range is Francesco Molinari. He’s made 3 straight cuts including one at the PGA Championship last month and a T26 two weeks ago at the Memorial Tournament. The only hesitation with this play is that he will likely be the highest owned $6k golfer.
Get in the car, we are going to Denny’s for the grand slam breakfast. Denny McCarthy has had his dick out over the past 4 months. He has made 9 cuts in his last 10 tournaments and finished T48 at the PGA Championship a month ago. I don’t see a much better value play in the entire field at $6.7k. Here’s a live shot of me on Sunday watching McCarthy battle for the win:
It’s time for the CGG. This week it’s Viktor “Big Dick Vik” Hovland. I’d like to think I’m on a bit of a hot streak with these (Cantplay T3 and Lowry T10) so I am starting to feel the pressure to perform. Hovland is simply the best play on the slate to me. He has been doing some gurgling lately but he had 2 straight wins and 3 straight top 10s on separate occasions earlier this year so the upside is clearly there. At recent U.S. Opens he finished 12th (2019) and 13th (2020). He got jizz in his eyes last year and was forced to withdraw. He will be in the mix to win it this weekend and is great leverage (projected 7%) off of one of the chalkiest players on the slate (Xander at 20%). Hovland cleaning the eyes after last year:
I’ll be back next week.
-CashGod-
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The Cash God 