It’s hard to imagine it going much worse than it did last week. I’m going into the tournament worried about the two $6k scrubs in my lineup while Jason Day and Joaquin Niemann proceed to disgrace the sport of golf with their performances on Thursday and Friday.

I also might officially retire from playing Patrick Cantplay. I’ve said it before, but this time I don’t know that I can forgive what I saw on Sunday. How can you possibly go from slapping the course harder than I slap my dick every night before bed to going +6 on Sunday and finishing T13? There is no acceptable answer.

One more note before I get to the plays. If that was the last we saw of Jason Cockrack on the PGA tour, what an exit it was. He fucking bombed one over the green out of bounds then got into his car and drove straight to the strip club, ending his tournament. I couldn’t ask for a better send-off from my all-time favorite athlete. Thanks, Jason.

It’s time for the plays.

When was the last time Simpson, Hadwin, Theegala and Jason Day were $10k? You’re going to want to have your volume up for this next video. Can anyone tell me what the fuck that sound is? To me it sounds like they took a mule out behind the grandstand and old-yellered it immediately after Theegala hit his shot but I’ll let everyone come to their own conclusions:

The only play I’m willing to do in the $10ks is Adam Hadwin. I watched Jason Day take a donkey dick to the face for 2 days last week and decided I’d seen enough to never click his name again, much less at over $10k. Hadwin has 4 straight made cuts and a T7 at the U.S. Open in his last event. He is by far the best play in this range all things considered. Anything is better than playing a 32% Webb Simpson. The donkey sizing up Jason Day last week:

Chalk is abundant and flowing in both the $9k and $10k ranges, so it’s probably better to go light on all of these guys this week since the talent gap is likely smaller than normal. One name I do like here is Charles Howell III. At 15% he is somehow one of the lowest projected owned in the top 2 price ranges. He’s made 3 of his last 4 cuts and has a T18 at the Memorial Tournament in a very tough field. Other than that he’s been pretty dogshit, but he hasn’t finished worse than 23rd at this event and has a top 10 in 2019.

The Grand Slam Breakfast is back on the fucking menu. We are going back to Denny’s. McCarthy at 19% ownership is tough to swallow, but he is the best play in the $9ks by far. The rest of the range looks a bit like a Buffalo Wild Wings bathroom on boneless Thursday wing night. Denny has made 5 of his last 6 cuts and has a T7 at the U.S. Open. If his putter gets hot he should be in contention.

It’s time for the Long cock, Adam Long. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster for him in terms of made/missed cuts. He’s made 2 straight (two top 25s) and the field this week is so fucking bad. It is seemingly impossible to differentiate between these $8k guys, but Long is one of the top plays and finished 23rd at this tournament last year.

My favorite play in this range is Lucas Glover. Geezer narrative is in full force this week. He owns this tournament. The defending champion has not finished worse than 25th in his last 3 attempts and has a top 10 finish in 2020. This is a great place to get a little leverage on the field. He’s only projected to be about 8% owned and I can’t see why he won’t fucking slap this course again so I’ll be completely balls deep.

Giddy up Gotterup. Back to the fucking well. This guy might be the next Tiger Woods. He’s made 3 of his first 4 cuts, including one at the U.S. Open and a T7 at the Puerto Rico Open. I’ve given serious thought to the idea of locking him in. At 7.3k he is one of the best values in the field and will be under 10% owned. I’m prepared to eat my own dick if he misses the cut.

Get the sickles and meet at the 18th green. Ghim Reaper will be patrolling on Sunday. If you thought you heard a sound similar to a pig being slaughtered late in the day on Friday you were hearing Ghim shove his putter up his ass while bogeying the last two holes to miss the cut. Having said that he’s made 2 of his last 3 cuts and has a T6 at THE PLAYERS this year. I expect a bounce-back week from him.

Now it’s time for the scrubs.

The first name in the $6ks is Chase Seiffert. He is coming off a horrific showing at the U.S. Open, but that was a tough field and a very tough course. He played in the John Deere Classic for the first time last year and finished 28th. He’s made 6 of his last 9 cuts and I expect him to take advantage of a weaker field and dick slip his way into the weekend.

My favorite play here is Vaughn Taylor. I’m going to do my best to ignore some of his recent results because this guy absolutely slaps the John Deere Classic. This geezer has made 4 of the last 5 cuts at the tournament with a top 10 in 2020. He’s going to run over Jason Day’s dick with a John Deere by the time this tournament is over.

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. It’s Cameron Davis. He has a T48 at the PGA Championship, a T7 at the Charles Schwab Challenge and 4 straight-made cuts coming into this tournament. He is in great form (7th in strokes gained in this week’s field) and I expect him to contend all weekend at around 16% ownership. I’ll buy a John Deere and cut a dick pattern into the local field when Davis wins me 200k.

I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

If you like this content, please follow on Twitter and subscribe below.

• Twitter

Photo by Carlos Osorio, AP.