Webb Simpson needs to rename his daughter. He disgraced her name with his performance last week at the Wyndham Championship. The number of golfers that WD when they are a piece of my lineup is the worst fucking variance imaginable. Another 4/6. I am chomping at the bit for the NFL to start. Playing preseason seems too degen, but I need a few reps before I’m blasting my life savings into the Milly Maker week 1.
It’s time for the plays.
We begin the week with the easiest and most satisfying portion, clicking the exclude button on Rory’s sorry ass. There is no better feeling. The sight of his name evaporating out of the pool is enough to get the blood flowing.
It feels like many of the top guys haven’t played since The Open so it’s nice to finally not have Adam Hadwin at $10k. I was deep in the Scheffler well for several weeks this year and I’m going back to it this week. Since his T2 at the U.S. Open he’s been performing a bit of a dick gurgling routine on himself with a MC at the Scottish Genesis Open and a T21 at The Open. He’s had a few weeks off to reset his mind, get a few additional faps in, and have a big-time bounce-back week. He’s finished Top 15 in the past 2 years at this tournament, he’s going full dicks out this year.
The next play is an easy choice. Xander Schauffele has had his cock stapped to his clubs for the last few months. He has 2 wins in his last 3 tournaments and 3 top 15 finishes at the last 3 majors. He is playing some of his best golf right now and is somehow still projected at around only 13% ownership. He didn’t have his best round at this event last year, but finished T6 in 2020. I expect him to be in contention all fucking weekend. Live look at me watching Xander finish the tournament on Sunday:
I’m back in the fucking well. Gurgling the sweet well water. Will Zalatoris is the next name on my list. He hasn’t been quite right since getting second at the U.S. Open in June (an MC and 3 T20 or worse), but this course is perfect for his game and he’s top 10 in strokes gained this year. He finished T8 last year at this tournament and should be in the mix this week once again.
In the $9ks, I’m slamming Matt Fitzmagic. He is still one of the hottest golfers in the field. He’s made 4 straight cuts with a T10, a win at the U.S. Open, and a T6 at the Genesis Scottish Open. This is a good move off of Finau, who looks like the chalk guzzler of the week. Fitzmagic is projected 14% ownership and is a better play.
Collin Morikawa has been absolute dog dick lately and I’m not 100% sure why. He’s missed 3 of his last 4 cuts, but somehow has a T5 at the U.S. Open. I’m not afraid to wade into the deep end to play him again this week. His price has come all the way down to $8.7k so if there was ever a time to buy low, this is it. He’s projected to be 11% owned and has finished T26 and T20 at this event in the past 2 years. He obviously could gurgle his own dick again this week, but I think he’s worth buying low.
The next play I have a lot more confidence in, but he still hasn’t been great in his last few events. It’s Shane the fucking brain Lowry. He’s coming into this week with an MC at the U.S. Open, a T21 at The Open, and a T83 at the Wyndham Championship last week. He still has 5 top 10s this year and finished well in his last 2 attempts at this tournament (T23 and T6). It’s the week of the fucking brain.
My next name is Aaron Wise. I’m not sure what is longer between my dick or that fucking putter he uses. How is he allowed to use that thing? He’s made 8 of his last 9 cuts, including a T13 last week at the Wyndham Championship, T27 at the U.S. Open, and a second place finish at the Memorial Tournament. He’s projected 14% ownership, but at $7.7k he is one of the best values in the field. I’m balls deep.
“Is that a phone in your pocket?” No that’s my steele fucking pole. After a bit of a rough start to the season Brendan Steele is coming alive. He’s made 9 of his last 10 cuts and finished T9 at the U.S. Open in June. I took a bit of a deeper dive into strokes gained and recently, Steele fucking pole has been top 3 in approach, tee to green and off the tee. It’s safe to say his pole is out. I’ll be playing him at only 7% projected ownership. Steele approaching the tee box:
I’ve never played Trey Mullinax before but it’s time to bring the Ferrari out of the garage. He’s been laregly dog shit this year, but has been putting it together the past 3 weeks (A win, a T21 at The Open, and a T37 at the Rocket Mortgage Classic). At a projected 3% owned and $6.5k I don’t see a much better option in the shit bin.
The other ass price golfer I’ll mention is Alex Smalley. Similar to Mullinx, he’s been mostly dog dick, but he’s made 3 of his last 4 cuts with one being a top 10 finish at the Genesis Scottish Open. The only concern is that he’s never played this event, but he’s projected to be under 5% owned and is great value at $6.8k.
Me walking around the yard when both of my value plays hit big:
It’s time for this week’s Cash God Guarentee. It’s Viktor Diktor Hovland. Talk about a good course fit. This course fits Hovland similar to the way my dick fits inside a pringles can, perfectly. At $9k and a projected 12% ownership, he is one of the best plays on the entire slate. He was dogshit at the U.S. Open and the Genesis Scottish Open, but finished T4 at The Open. He’s back in form and should play well this week as long as he dials in the irons despite a few mediocre finishes at this tournament in the past two seasons. I’m all in.
I’ll be back next week.
-CashGod-
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