Week 1 was fucking terrible for me. Truly one of the worst weeks of all time. I take solace in the fact that it seems like the chalk hit, which means my contrarian-focused GPP lineups would be complete shit. That’s what I call variance. To top it all off on Sunday afternoon (I was obviously already getting dick-blasted at this point) I started swapping off Jefferson because I thought he was going to be 17-20% owned and saw my lineups consolidated by the bots at the bottom of the leaderboards. Here’s a live look at me on Sunday:

I’ll get right into the week 2 plays.

–Quarterbacks-

My favorite QB of the week is Trey Lance. Upon first glance, I wrote him off due to that game being complete dog shit, but then I looked further and realized the Niners have the 5th highest total on the slate and this might be the last week we can play him sub $6k based on rushing upside alone. Seattle has a fucking terrible defense and Lance is looking for redemption after last week. I’m going to pretend like that game didn’t happen given the conditions. He has one of the highest ceilings of the week at only $5.7k.

I’m going back to the fucking well on Lamar. I’ve seen the stats on Miami’s blitz rate and Lamar’s stats against the blitz but I don’t give a shit. Lamar at $7.4k and under 10% ownership is just impossible for me to pass up on. Miami had the highest pass rate over expectation in the NFL last week, which is a recipe for higher-scoring games. I’m all in on Lamar unleashing his fucking python like it’s 2019.

The last QB I like is Brussell Wilson. Nathan Hackkjob was a complete disaster at the end of that game and I’d like to think they will come out firing in this game to put to bed some of the doubt even though there is really nothing that can save him after that. The Broncos have the third-highest team total on the slate and the stacks are cheap despite Wilson’s price. Russ letting the jizz loose on Sunday:

–Running backs–

At RB we are going to have to monitor the D’Andre Swift injury. He did not practice Thursday (but did on Friday) and they signed dustball Justin Jackson to the 53-man. We are also going to have to decide how much chalk we actually want to gurgle down. Barkley is approaching 30%+ and D Hendo isn’t far behind. I’m likely only playing Hendo of those two. His price ($5.7k) and team total (second highest on the slate) are too good to pass up.

There was a time when CMC at $8.9k would have been the lock of the century. I was fucking balls deep last week with 80%+ and there’s no way I’m missing the flop lag. I’m going back to the well. He’s $1k less than JT and played a greater percentage of his team’s RB snaps. He won’t be playing 100% of the snaps like he used to but the Panthers are playing a soft Giants D this week. He will be dragging his balls on Daboll’s face on Sunday, I can assure you of that.

One of the top RB plays on the slate is Josh Jacobs. Davante Adams is going to be the chalk guzzler of the week so Jacobs is a nice pivot. The Raiders somehow have the highest team total on the slate and are -5.5 so the game script should be in Jacobs’ favor. He will also be around half of D Hendo’s ownership. Live look at me when he rumbles in his second TD of the game in the 2nd quarter as I’m heading to the kitchen for a second mug of fucking diesel.

–Wide Receivers–

Our Lance stacks are going to be extremely cheap with Aiyuk and a Metcalf comeback. Getting Aiyuk at less than 3% against a complete dogshit Seacocks secondary feels like free money. I’m not sure a comeback is completely necessary in this game but Geno seems to like Metcalf the most outside of the random fucking tight ends.

We can do something similar in our Lamar stacks (Bateman single stack) or go dicks out with the Bateman-Andrews double again. Bateman must have paid a visit to Odell because he looked like complete shit all game until he suckered out on a late TD last week. I’d expect the Dolphins to push them a bit harder than the fucking Jets so there should be more scoring opportunities in this game for all involved. I’m still so tilted about Flacco only throwing at Moore 7 times out of 59 last week.

For Russell in Seattle, it was more of a “pick one” between Lockett and Metcalf. If Hackjobb brings his head out of his anus this week the Russell-Jeudy-Sutton with a Cooks comeback looks like it could be the stack of the week. The Broncos have the third-highest team total on the slate and the stack appears to be very low-owned for whatever reason (I guess everyone knows Hackkjob is a donkey). Here’s me describing the state of my dick when Russell hits Jeudy and Sutton for back-to-back touchdowns (volume on):

A few of the other WR I like this week are Allen Robinson (leeeeeeverage off of chalk D Hendo), Michael Pittman (Missed practice Thursday, but otherwise dicks fucking out against a bottom 3 team in the NFL), Waddler (very low-owned in the highest pass rate over expectation offense from week 1), McLaurin (<5% owned against a team that just gave up 38), Elijah Moore (I will not miss the fucking explosion), and Lamb (leverage on chalk Bengals D).

–Tight Ends–

At TE the top 3 are staring me right in the face, but I have an extreme aversion to clicking anyone over $3.9k. With how chalky Davante Adams is, our Lamar stacks, and Kyle Pitts being more of a WR this might be the one week where I can make an exception. I’ll be playing some Andrews, Waller, and Pitts, but would like to stick with Evan Engram or Logan Thomas when possible. I’ll likely be removing my rib and sucking my own dick when these high priced ones go full donkey dick on Sunday. Live shot of me preparing for the worst:

–Defense–

I’ve never seen ownership so high on one defense. Cooper Rush is not bad enough for this. I saw that guy bring his cock out of his pants last year firsthand against the Vikings on Thursday Night Football. Fading chalk defense is the easiest thing in DFS so I will have 0% Cincy this week.

It’s time to get on the Brady wrinkled dick elbow train early. The defenses I like this week are the Saints (they fucking own Brady), Commanders (Goff), Steelers (Mac Jones), Lions, and Giants.

–Cash God Guarantee–

It’s time for the week 2 Cash God Guarantee. This is one of my favorite weeks of every year. It’s Dick fucking Chubb week. Take a look at your projections, sort by ceiling, and see if anything stands out to you ownership-wise. Ya, big Dick Chubb is more prominent than Teddy Bridgewater’s third leg in team photos. At 5% against a Jets team that gets pounded on the ground, I don’t see a better play at RB. An added bonus is the leverage off of Barkley at $200 cheaper. There’s no chance I don’t need a new set of pants after this weekend. It’s going to look like someone took a fucking weed whacker to the seams holding them together. Here’s a live look at me when Dick Chubb erupts:

I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

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