I made a single-entry lineup for last week’s absolute dog shit tournament and it was definitely one of my worst. I had 4 MCs and the Cash God Guarantee sucked his own sack. Meanwhile, Danny Willet on 18 looked like a random guy at your local course 15 beers deep trying to finish the round out without tossing his cookies on the green:
Homa is standing there stroking his beard like he didn’t just see the worst putting performance of all time. I’d be forced to retire from Draftkings if that cost me a win. There are few worse beats.
It’s time for the plays. Here’s the format for the weekend:
I’ll just say it. There’s just no way they let Kevin Kisner out there for anything more than the absolute minimum.
I’ll be picking two players from each team and providing the Cash God Guarantee. Given that there are only 24 players in the field, I’d suggest leaving some dick on the table salary-wise to differentiate your lineups and prevent duplicates.
I don’t think it’s possible to fade Spieth and Thomas from Team USA. These two have played together for their entire lives. I’ve seen a lot of narratives in my days; Odell shit chest, Kirk Cousins MNF ass crack, any birthday narrative, etc. But this one has to be up there with the best of them.
Spieth hasn’t played at Quail Hollow since 2017 when he finished T28 at the PGA Championship, but he ended this past season with 4 of 5 made cuts, 2 top 10s, and 2 top 20s. For someone priced at $7k, that’s what I like to call removing his dick from his pants and helicoptering it around.
Thomas has been largely dogshit since his PGA Championship win with 2 missed cuts and 2 other 50th or worse finishes. He did finish the season with a T5 in the tour championship. I’m not sure if his arm got sore jacking his dick to the highlights of his win, but this is the week he finally gets back on track at a place where he won his first major (2017 PGA Championship). Thomas:
Tom Kim seems like a lock for the international team. He’s been absolutely slapping courses to finish the season, including a Wyndham Championship victory a month ago. He didn’t miss a cut after his miss at the PGA Championship in May, then had 3 top 10s and a T13. You aren’t going to get better value at $5.6k and he has a good chance to play in every round.
Sungjae Im also seems like a near-lock button play. He ended the year with a permanent, unrelenting erection beginning with his T2 at the 3M Open and culminating with his T2 at the Tour Championship. This stretch contained 3 T2s, a T15, and a 12th-place finish. Whatever the opposite of gurgling his own sack looks like, this is it. He will get some ownership, but at $7.4k the upside is too good to pass up. Sungjae battling the basilisk that cannot be tamed:
It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. It’s Scottie Scheffler. He’s the highest-priced golfer on the slate and will be a popular play, but there’s just no fucking way he doesn’t play all 5 rounds. He had a bit of a rough stretch towards the end of the season, missing 2 cuts in his last 5 events, and gave up the lead at the TOUR Championship by shooting a 73 on the final day. But he is still the number 1 player in the world and is a great fit for this course. Scottie patrolling the green:
I’ll be back next week.
-CashGod-
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The Cash God 