It’s a little early in the year for the slate to flow through me like it did this past week, but I’d like to report that the pants I wore on Sunday look as if a steel fucking pole the shape and size of a Pringles can got strapped to a firework and blasted through at around dick height. The simple price I paid for watching Dick Chubb run in his 3rd TD of the game.
I stumbled upon this chat between Matt Ryan and Adam Levine earlier today and I’m not sure I’d classify his wrinkled penis elbow as “absurd” myself, but I guess it’s subjective:
It’s time for the week 3 plays.
–Quarterbacks-
My favorite QB play of the week is Joe Burrow. There is some sort of a full-team squeaky wheel narrative going on here. The Bengal’s offensive line is complete dogshit, but the best way to fix that is to play a completely horrific team like the Jets. Burrow at $6.6k and <5% ownership is too good to pass up. The Jets are willing to let Flaccid throw the ball 50 times per game so they should have no problem helping push the pace.
Colts DC Gus Bradley was the DC for the Raiders last year and to say Patrick Mahomes brought his dick out would be the understatement of the century. He brought his dick out and dragged it across the field for the 60 minutes each time they faced them. In 2 games, he completed 74% of his passes, averaged 9 yards per attempt, and threw 7 touchdowns. The only reason he didn’t throw for more was because the KC defense found their ceiling in the second game so he ended up with only 24 attempts. I’m going to be playing Mahomes in the dome.
Playing Jalen Hurts is going to feel like chasing points but it doesn’t fucking matter. The Eagles-Commanders game has the 4th highest total on the slate and if the dick blasting of the Vikings on Monday Night was any indication it’s clear the Eagles are not afraid to let him rip. He’s projected at under 10% ownership, which is likely a result of how many fucking high-priced receivers are in play this week. I’ll be playing Hurts until they raise his price ($7.6k) to a reasonable number or my pants aren’t ripped at the fucking seams every time I check his box score, whichever occurs first. Here’s a look at me on the couch after Hurts’ second rushing TD of the first half:
–Running backs–
There is almost nothing worse than David Montgomery chalk week. It comes around a few times per year and he’s always fucking $5.9k against some dogshit team. This week is no different. It’s Houston. I wouldn’t blame you for guzzling the chalk, but I likely won’t have too much Frankenstein this week.
The value RB I like most this week is Miles Sanders. Sanders had his best game of the season last year against Washington (18 carries 131 yards) and in the lineups where I don’t play Hurts, I’ll play Sanders as much as possible. He might end up being a bit more popular than his current ownership projection (~12%) but the Eagle’s offense was under-owned in week 1 and I have a feeling they will be again this week. Washington has been dog ass so far this year against the run allowing an NFL-worst 7.5 yards per carry. Keep in mind this guy can get injured at any moment but I’ll be playing him this week.
My favorite RB leverage play is James Robinson. You might be thinking to yourself “Cash God, where the fuck did this one come from?”. The Jags are kind of still ass, but this guy is tightening his grip on the backfield similar to me on my third leg each morning. Under Brandon Staley, the Chargers have a tendency to allow teams to run the ball and this year is no different. They’ve allowed 5.1 yards per carry, including 9.2 to CEH last week. I’m not saying you have to go balls fucking deep playing him I’m just saying consider that Montgomery will be 20%+ in a similar role. Here’s a live shot of a moment between Robinson and Trevor Lawrence on the Jags bench after Robinson’s 3rd TD of the day:
Two other running backs I like this week are Dalvin Cook and CMC. CMC is back over 90% of the snaps so it’s only a matter of time before he starts to cock slap again. The Panthers are 0-2 so I assume they’ll try to force him the ball a bit more. He’s worth a shot at under $9k and around 5% ownership.
Cook has been shit to start the season, but 1) the Lions still have one of the worst rush defenses in the NFL (5.1 ypc against), 2) they seem to be in a shootout every game, and 3) this game has the highest total on the slate. The Vikings are a 6-point home favorite and Dalvin is projected at under 10% ownership. Sometimes the plays just present themselves. Dalvin to the Lions defense when someone asks what the bulge in his pants is:
–Wide Receivers–
Will someone tell me how Diggs isn’t over $8k? He looks like the chalkiest WR on the slate and it’s a tough fade, but I will likely be underweight versus the field.
The Burrow stack with Higgins and an Elijah Moore/Garrett Wilson comeback. Elijah Moore has been donkey dick so far and I’ve played him in both weeks. He ran the most routes (45) on the team last week but was still 3rd in targets (5). Flaccid clearly likes Garrett Wilson more, but when they throw the ball 50 times per game I think any of the WRs are viable.
The Mahomes stack is simple. I already mentioned it above, but he absolutely unsheathes his dong against Gus Bradley-led defenses. Mahomes-Juju–Kelce with a Pittman (assuming he plays) comeback could be the stack of the week. Pittman’s price is getting up there ($6.9k), but Matt Ryan is so fucking bad that he locks onto him and peppers him with targets.
Our Hurts stacks should swing back to AJ Brown. Last week the Viking’s defense might as well have not existed. Every receiver was open. Curtis Samuel is the best comeback option here, but McLaurin works as well. Washington isn’t much better than the Vikings on defense and getting a Hurts-AJ Brown Stack under 10% ownership brings me to full mast in an instant.
A few other WR I like this week are Davante Adams (back to the fucking well), Drake London (ride the hot hand against a dogshit defense), Sun God (See Vikings defense comments above), Waddler (second highest game total and under 10% ownership projection), Mike Williams (Keenan is likely going to be out again and we all know what happens then), Russell Gage (Only receiver alive in Tampa and somehow only projected around 10% ownership), and a complete dart on Nelson Agholor at 0% ownership against a dogshit Ravens secondary.
–Tight Ends–
I’ve been going against my bread and butter a bit at TE this year and this week is no different. Travis Kelce will be in all of my Mahomes stacks at $7.9k. I’m also going to keep playing Kyle Pitts until my bank account has run dry. A few others I like are TJ Hockencock, Irv Smith Jr, and Tyler Gronklin. Gronklin is somehow second on the team in targets. Live look at me, late in the 4th quarter, when my $3k TE suckers out on a garbage time TD after having 0 catches all game:
–Defense–
It’s going to be a complete jizz spray on defense this week. My favorite is probably Philly, but I’m going to have their offense in so many lineups it will be tough to play them much. A few of the others I like are the Raiders (Tanne loves to get sacked), Vikings (Goff), Titans (Carr is dog ass), Cardinals, and Packers (Tom Brady is approaching wrinkled penis elbow status).
–Cash God Guarantee–
It’s time for the week 3 Cash God Guarantee. This week it’s Ja’Marr Chase. NFL on CBS tweeted out a stat that Chase has run the 5th most go routes in the league this season. I’m about to tweet out a stat on how far the jizz flies when Chase goes for 200 yards and 2 TDs this Sunday on the ass shit Jets defense. Similar to me, he’s poised for an eruption at around 6% ownership. Live look at me at the kitchen table when Chase scores his second on a 60-yard bomb from Burrow:
I’ll be back next week.
-CashGod-
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(AP Photo/Jeff Dean)
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