I mentioned it in the Monday recap, but I’ll say it again because with variance you never know how many net positive weeks you’ll get. I finally dragged my dick on the slate last week. On my initial lineup run, I ended up with 75% Mack Hollins because of how expensive the Mahomes–Kelce stacks were and thought “That might be a little high” so I lowered it. In hindsight, it might have been better to leave it. I got onto him late once Renfrow was ruled out (follow on Twitter and join the Discord for last-second updates).
I got completely blasted by the Monday Night Millionaire. I was nearly in last place with the people that entered blank lineups. I’ve been running so badly on these showdown slates, likely as a result of entering ass-shit lineups to try to be unique. The worst part was that I left $4.4k dick on the table (salary leftover) and was still duplicated. My response to anyone asking if I’m done with showdowns despite early season struggles:
It’s time for the plays.
At first glance, this one is going to sound fucking terrible, but I like Geno Smith this week. This is one of the best games on the slate with the 2nd highest total at 48. The Seacocks are road underdogs coming off of a game where Geno threw the ball 44 times. I truly didn’t know Pete Carrol had that in him. The Lion’s defense is horsecock and has had all 3 of their games go over 50 total points (one went over 60). This game stack seems to be slightly overlooked and I can assure you I’ll be balls deep.
I can barely stomach it, but at some point, Hackkjob and Russ have to figure it out. This should be the week against a dogshit Raiders D. He will be almost unowned, obviously for good reason. This isn’t my favorite game on the slate, but I think the Eagles will come back down to earth a bit after playing 3 of the bottom 8 pass defenses in the NFL to start the season so there aren’t too many other options. If Russ doesn’t uncoil his cock this week it’s time to fire Hackkjob and tank to improve their 2023 third round pick. By this time next week, we might need to start calling him Paintjob instead of Hackkjob as a result of the absolute fucking paint job he’s about to do to the Raiders D. It’s going to look like a Chipotle bathroom at lunchtime in that place.
The Ravens are allowing the most pass yards in the league by over 50 yards. Their defense is completely fucked so everyone’s first thought is hammer Josh Allen. Allen to Diggs is the projected highest owned stack so I think the move is to go to the other side and play Lamar against a banged up Bills defense that just signed the geezer CB Xavier Rhodes. The target tree for Lamar is also much more concentrated to Andrews/Master Bateman compared to the Josh Allen shotgun pattern jizz spray.
If there was ever a week to play Zeke, this is it. The Commanders are the equivalent to a wilted, crinkled dick in terms of run D, allowing the 3rd most yards per carry this year. Pollard is clearly better, but that doesn’t really seem to matter to Dallas since Zeke still plays around 65% of the snaps and is running nearly twice as many routes. He’s rightfully cheap ($6.1k) and will be pretty much unowned. I’ll be playing the home favorite Zeke big time in the best leverage spot on the slate off of Lamb and Jamaal Williams ($6.1k and 30%+ ownership).
Dick Chubb at under 3% ownership projection? Nothing will bring me to full mast quicker than that sentence. His price is up a bit ($7.9k) but the Browns are favored in a game with the second highest total on the slate. The Falcons routinely gurgle their own sack on defense and I expect the Browns to ride Dick Chubb all afternoon.
This is the week Austin Ekeler finally breaks loose. His usage/snap counts have been concerning so far, but this is a game where they finally should be ahead and feed him like a fucking goose at the local pond. Only Tennessee has allowed more yards per carry than Houston (Khalil Herbert just absolutely geesed them to the tune of 20 carries, 157 yards, and 2 TDs). Ekeler is a dicks out play this week.
The last running back play I like is Khalil Herbert, assuming David Montgomery is still RIP. I will preface this by saying this game is complete dogshit and the Bears offense is unwatchable, but Herbert is good value and just left his mushroom stamp on the field last week against Houston. I expect another one this week in New York.
The Geno Smith stack is simple. It’s Lockett and DK with a Josh Reynolds comeback (Amon-Ra St. Brown is out). Lockett has back-to-back 11 target games and I don’t see how that slows down this week in the second-highest game total on the slate. Goff locked onto Reynolds last week after ASB went down. This stack is gaining some steam but I don’t think it’ll get high enough to make it unplayable.
Lamar to Andrews won someone the million last week and I wouldn’t rule it out again this week, but I do like the double stack with Master Bateman since the Ravens should be throwing almost all game. I don’t know how you go away from Diggs as the comeback even if he ends up having >15% ownership.
The next stack is Russ-Sutton–Jeudy with a Davante Adams comeback. Back to the fucking well. This stack blasted my week 2 results a bit when Russ gurgled his own dick for 60 minutes and the Broncos scored one touchdown all game. This is the week where they finally start to slap. I’ve seen the Patrick Surtain II stats and they’re saying he will be on Adams this week. I’m not going to avoid Adams just because Surtain is off to a hot start. This will be me on Sunday if the Broncos fuck it up again:
A few other WR I like this week are Dionte Johnson (the Jets are so fucking bad and he is fed targets every week), Brandin Cooks (his price got too low and LAC is banged up), Mike Williams (Houston is complete horse cock), Romeo Doubs (New packers WR 1), Isiah McKenzie (other comeback option in our Lamar stacks), and Joshua Palmer (near-lock if Keenan ends up being out).
At TE I’m stacking Mark Andrews with Lamar every time. I few other TE I like this week are Gerald Everett, Evan Engram, David Njoku (borderline lock if he plays) and big dick Bob Tonyan. There is a chance by Sunday morning I’ll have a few Kyle Pitts, we can’t rule that out. But otherwise, outside of Andrews, I’m going as cheap as possible.
At defense, I like the Bears (Danny Dimes), Cardinals (Baker is donkey dick), Broncos (in non-Russ lineups), Seahawks (against Goff in non-Geno lineups), and the Colts. I’m going to really be spraying on defenses this week, but those are the few I like most.
It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. It’s Jonathan Taylor. I don’t know how this isn’t the lock of the year so far. The Titans are allowing the most yards per carry in the NFL and the Colts are a home favorite. The number of times Frank Reich and the Colts’ staff have beat their meat to those two facts in preparation for this game has to be astronomical. I don’t blame them because I’m doing the exact same thing. I also have no idea how his ownership projection is less than 15%, but I’m going all in. He’s a shot of me trying to pee during a commercial break after Taylor’s third TD:
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-CashGod-
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(Photo: USA Today Jasen Vinlove)
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