I liked Geno going into last week, but there’s no way I could have predicted that type of game from him. He was swinging his cock around the field like he was back in West Virginia circa 2012. I went a little heavier on Lamar than I should have and faded Hockencock so that ultimately cut into any profits from the Geno stacks.
It’s now written in stone that the Lions are the recipe for the best fantasy football environment possible. That defense fucking sucks and they are slinging the rock with Goff, but this will immediately be put to the test with The Dick Zapper (or the crinkled ankle of Mac Jones) on the docket. Here’s a video I found of the Zapper doing some work on Dan Campbell‘s third leg this Sunday:
It’s time for the plays.
Have you ever walked into a public bathroom and thought “forgive me for the paint job I’m about to do to this toilet bowl”? I do about once or twice per month (or maybe more) and that’s what is likely going through Josh Allen’s head this weekend when he steps onto the field against Pittsburgh. I’m going to chalk up the last 2 “dud” games to the heat in Miami and the ass shit weather in Baltimore last week. Yes, Allen still uncoiled his dick in Miami, but the offense as a whole was not good. I expect a big bounce-back this week against a team that is in the bottom half of pass yards allowed.
I’m going to do my best to avoid the Tampa-Atlanta game for GPPs. The Brady stacks are clearly the easiest to make and will likely be the highest-owned. He fought off the wrinkled penis elbow label for another week with the garbage time stats in the game vs KC. Make no mistake though, his time draws near. Just look at Matt Ryan. Jalen Hurts and the Eagles’ offense are more expensive but should be less owned with a higher ceiling in the best game on the slate so I will be playing them instead.
Justin Herbert has had a bit of a quiet start to the season, but there is no better time to let it loose. This Browns-Chargers game might fly under the radar a bit with some of the other appealing matchups on the slate (Brady vs. ATL and Hurts vs. Klifford), but it has the 2nd highest total. These two teams played almost exactly a year ago in what I can only describe as a cock fight between Dick Chubb and Justin Herbert. I expect a similar game and Herbert’s first big week of the season. Herbert before the game on Sunday:
I definitely have mentioned Dick Chubb in 3 consecutive weeks, but I haven’t found a reason not to. The Browns are feeding a red-hot Chubb and it doesn’t get any better than a matchup with a banged-up Chargers defense allowing 5.6 YPC. This defense is exactly the same as it has been during Staley’s entire tenure, absolute horse cock against the run. At his price, we will likely see a bit lower ownership (<5% again) but like I said for Herbert, this is the 2nd highest game total on the slate and a sneaky shootout spot. He’s the type of RB you can use in game stacks because of his ability to break off long runs that speed up games.
It’s been far too long for Dalvin Cook. There isn’t a better time for a get-right game. Chicago is somehow allowing an absurd, NFL-worst 183 yards per game on the ground. Maybe it’s a result of how fucking bad their offense is. The Vikings are home favorites with the 4th-highest team total and the Bears just got a blasting at the hands of Saquon Barkley to the tune of 146 rushing yards. I have no doubt Dalvin will do the same.
Have you ever seen a cumshot of greater than 15 feet? No? Well, prepare yourself for what James Robinson is about to do to the logo at midfield in Jacksonville this Sunday. This game is ass shit, but in positive game scripts, Robinson is a near lock for 20+ touches. Houston is one of the worst run defenses in the NFL and the Jags are 7-point home favorites. I will let you all do the math on what that means for Robinson. Hint: he is unveiling his python at <5% ownership.
The last RB I will mention here is Raheem Mostert. To afford our stacks we need to find some value at RB and Colonel Mostert is one of the best on the slate at $5k. Tua has already been ruled out and the Jets are fucking terrible. Mostert had 17 touches in a game where they were trailing almost the entire way last week. I’d expect the same or more in a game where they are projected to have the lead. At $5k, you won’t find a better role other than maybe Breece Hall ($5.4k) who is projected to have more than double the ownership. Troy Aikman describing what Mostert will be seeing Sunday:
I will be locking in Diggs in all of my Josh Allen stacks. It’s difficult to double-stack him with Gabe Davis price-wise, but I will do that as much as possible. Otherwise, I like Isaiah McKenzie if he plays. The recent offensive “struggles” seems to be leading towards a little lower ownership on Diggs (slightly <10% projected) and almost 0 ownership on Gabe Davis, who is finally fully healthy again. He has been running fucking wind sprints on the field for the past 2 games.
An easy comeback in the BUF/PIT game is George Pickens ($4.3k). Trubustky has finally been put out to pasture and Dickett targeted Pickens on almost a third of his throws.
We run into a similar issue in the Hurts-AJB–DaVonta Smith stacks with a Hollywood Brown comeback- they cost more than James Harden’s last trip to the strip club. I will use that stack and comeback as much as possible but otherwise will add Goedert in some. This is the highest total on the slate so I want as much of it as possible.
My favorite game of the week is Chargers-Browns. I’m assuming Keenan Allen won’t play so the stack I like most here is Herbert-Williams–Palmer (as long as he plays) with a Cooper comeback. There is somehow almost zero ownership on this game. The Chargers are a bit banged up as a team but as the scientists say, the longer a volcano lays dormant the bigger the eruption. Herbert is a dormant volcano.
A few of the other WR I like this week:
- Jaylen Waddler (Jets defense is fucking dog ass)
- Chris Olave (WR1 against a Seattle team allowing 4th most passing yards per game), but I am leaning towards fading him as a result of a 20%+ ownership projection with Andy Dalton or an injured Jameis at QB.
- Drake London (Bucs are going to dick dust so Atlanta will throw all game)
- Garrett Wilson/Corey Davis (Jets will be forced to throw down all game)
- Zay Jones (Houston D)
- D(ick) People-Jones (Sneaky comeback option in Browns-Chargers game. 9 targets last week)
I hate what I’m about to say for these TEs. No TE embodies removing a rib and sucking their own dick more than the mid $4k range, but I feel like we have no choice this week. I like Ertz in a revenge game scenario as a comeback for Hurts stacks and Goedert in Hurts stacks. A few others I like are Njoku, Everett, Conklin, and Cade Otton (Brate is out).
Defense is a bit tough this week, but I found a couple I like a lot. Dallas is going to be extreme chalk (for good reason), but the number one rule is to fade the chalk D. I like the Dolphins (Milf Hunter), Titans (Wentz), Seacocks, Houston, New England (Goff on the road), and Carolina (Pornstar Jimmy).
It’s time for the Week 5 Cash God Guarantee. It’s Big Mike Williams. I’ve already beaten my meat several times to this game and expect many more to come on Sunday. I can’t get past how low the projected ownership of this game looks as a whole. With Keenan Allen out Mike Williams brings his dick out time and time again. The total in this game is now the second highest on the slate behind Cards-Eagles. At 1% projected ownership I will have Mike Williams in as many lineups as possible, I cannot imagine a better setup. Here’s a live shot of me on Sunday watching him haul in his 3rd TD from Herbert:
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-CashGod-
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