Chalk James Robinson and the 22% Cowboys D drained my profit along with my dick faster than I thought was humanly possible on Sunday afternoon. I had a few Josh Allen to Gabe Davis/Shakir lineups, but went way too heavy on Herbert to Mike Williams and completely faded the Bucs-Falcons game where Uncle Fourskin left his mark, which all contributed to a diluted overall profit.

I had a really bad time Monday night fading Kelce with a JuJu captain. I’ll just say it again. There’s not much you can do about that. Sometimes variance just doesn’t swing in your favor. The showdown winner ended up with 3 Chiefs’ pass catchers and no Mahomes. It might be time for me to retire from showdowns after seeing that. Maybe the only way to have a positive ROI in primetime is to somehow find yourself in front of Davante Adams after a tough loss.

Is DraftKings baiting us with these Seattle prices? Geno at $5.7k and Lockett at $5.6k. What the fuck? I don’t think it’s viable to play that stack in GPPs at the ownership they will be, no matter the price.

-Quarterbacks-

I had a paragraph about Mahomes written, but no one needs to see any more about that game. We know what it is. If we are going to play any of these chalk running backs I don’t think it’s reasonable to stack the most popular game on the slate in GPPs. I’m firing up Kirk fucking Cousins. This is the third-highest game total (45.5) on the slate and a Miami defense that is allowing the 5th-most passing yards per game in the NFL. I hate playing Kirk, but at $6k and the players you can fit around him, it’s one of the best leverage play on the slate.

At some point, Kyler Murray is going to let his snake loose and hit his ceiling. I already said I won’t play that Geno stack at the ownership we are seeing, but we can access this game (second-highest total at 51) on the other side. We might have to guzzle some chalk with the comeback, but that’s better than inhaling the entire stack. Excluding the season opener against Russell and Hackkjob, the Seahawks have allowed 27+ points in every game, including game totals of 50, 93, and 72 in the last 3 weeks. If they don’t explode on this defense Klifford needs to be removed immediately. Kyler hitting his ceiling:

-Running backs-

When the running back with the highest projected ceiling (Stevenson) on the slate is $6k and Kenneth Walker’s price is somehow still at $5.4k, we can be sure it’s going to be a rough ownership week. I don’t know how Cleveland is so fucking bad against the run. I’d rather play Jeff Wilson than Stevenson at a similar price.

With Tee Higgins‘ ankle resembling a flaccid dick and Chase garnering double teams like a 1990s pornstar, we have almost no choice but to click a $6.9k Joe Mixon this week. The Saints have been sneakily terrible against the run, allowing 130 yards per game. Mixon has been extremely inefficient this year (3.1 ypc), but he has blowup game potential and should be fairly unowned with everyone going value at RB.

James Conner is officially out so the Cardinals are left with Eno Benjamin and a guy named Keaontay Ingram. At $4.6, I’d expect Benjamin to be at a minimum 60% owned. Thank you, Jason Robins, for this egregiously bad price. Even in tournaments, this is a very difficult fade, especially with the QB-WR stacks on the slate. I’m guzzling the chalk like it’s the last bit of sustenance on earth. We can get unique elsewhere. This audio is us inhaling chalk Benjamin on Sunday:

If you’re playing a running back above $7k, the best two options are Fourskin and Aaron Jones. Aaron Rodgers has a right thumb injury that he likely sustained while piping a blowup doll at his residence so I’d expect Jones to get a significant amount of work on the ground and in the passing game. The Packers have the 4th highest team total on the slate and are 7-point home favorites. Jones is going dicks out or variance will strike and we will get turkey vultured by Tree Trunk Legs.

Fourskin and the Bucs are playing a Steelers defense that is in the bottom third of the league in rush yards allowed and, like the Packers, are also massive favorites. Attempting to fit these $7k+ running backs in lineups is very similar to me trying to fit my dick inside an empty Pringles can… nearly impossible, but these are two of the best in the situations that they will fit.

-Wide Receivers-

In Kirk stacks, you can easily jam in Jefferson-Thielen-Hill for leverage that is larger than the footlong attached to my body. This game is going overlooked as a result of the KC-BUF/SEA-ARI stacks. If there is another game that can shoot out, this is it. This Vikings’ defense might be all-time bad again – they’ve been a part of 3 straight games with over 50 total points. Skylar Thompson is fucking dog ass, but if they force the ball to Hill, he will have a monster day and speed up the game.

I’m not afraid to go back to Gabe Davis. What he did last week was exactly what is expected of him – a field stretcher. His ownership is only projected at about 3% so people are clearly afraid of thinking he can do it back-to-back, but he is the best way to access this game without getting a load of chalk dumped on your face. Have you ever heard of someone going for back-to-back faps in consecutive hours? It’s the same general principle.

Our Kyler stacks are simple. Marquise–Ertz–Metcalf is the best stack by far. I will likely have Kyler-Eno-Marquise-Metcalf in a few or even a Kyler-Eno-Marquise-Ertz-Metcalf full-game stack. As I outlined above, the Seahawk’s defense is the equivalent to a paint-jobbed piece of toilet paper at all times, there is no limit to the players you can play against them. I will be completely fading Rondale Moore. Playing him in GPPs at 20% is a recipe for wanting to deactivate your account at the end of the day.

A few other WR I like this week:

• Christian Kirk (Coachspeak) and Zay Jones
• Godwin (Steelers D is complete dogshit)
• JuJu and Hardcock (Some exposure to that game)
• Pickens (Pickett’s favorite target in a situation where they should throw all game)
• Darius Slayton (One of the few remaining WR in New York against a terrible secondary)

-Tight Ends-

Every week that I want to go back to my min-price TE roots Andrews and Kelce lay their fucking hogs on the table and say “Fade this, bich”. I will be playing both. I’d love to play Kittle, but I don’t think he’s going to fit in any lineups so if this is the week he erupts, so be it. A few others I like are Brate, Dawson Knox (if he plays), Pitts (one fucking time, please), and the Freier (if he plays).

-Defense-

This is an all-time bad week at defense. I’ll begin by saying I will be fading the Panthers at 20% ownership. My favorite defenses this week are the Jags (Wrinkled Penis Elbow), the Patriots (Brisset), the Steelers (Brady approaching wrinkled penis status), Atlanta (Pornstar Jimmy), and the Colts.

-Cash God Guarantee-

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. This week it is Lamar Jackson. I might create a new rule for myself. If Lamar is anywhere around a 5% ownership projection I will not allow myself to fade him. The Giants are allowing 5 yards per carry and just allowed 7.4 to Justin Fields 2 weeks ago. The 45.5 total is the third-highest on the slate and this Ravens secondary is still horse ass so the Giants have a chance to keep pace.

We don’t often get Lamar in a leverage spot (everyone is paying up at QB) against one of the worst run defenses in the NFL as a 6-point favorite. This is a GPP dream. Here is a live look at my absolute rod on Sunday when Lamar rushes in a TD and hits the 100-yard rushing boner on the same play.

If you like this content, please follow on Twitter and subscribe below.

• Twitter

I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

I’d like to once again mention that if you’re in the market for a new snowboard, ski, or mountain bike check out Simplybuy.io. This tool helps you find the perfect product for you in minutes. If you are a fan of The Cash God articles using the link above will help support me as well.

(Photo: Scott Taetsch-USA TODAY Sports)