Starting off my lineups last week with Kirk, Lamar, or Kyler clearly was not a winning formula, but getting onto Tyreek and Mark Andrews allowed me to salvage my sack from a total loss. Return to the Superdome narrative against a dogshit Saints defense missing Lattimore should have been at the forefront of my mind but I got so locked onto Jefferson and thought the Dolphins would put up more of a fight against the worst defense in the NFL.

I saw something about the Vikings’ sideline being around 20 degrees warmer than the Dolphins’ sideline. The Vikings players were cooking their fucking dicks off. How was that allowed?

Onto the plays.

I said it a few weeks ago and it cost me, but this is the fucking week for Justin Herbert. I’m going to ignore the sack gurgling against the Broncos last week. That is the best defense in the NFL and any game Russ and Hackjob lay their hands on instantly becomes ass shit. Some are calling it the reverse Midas Touch. The Seacocks have been a part of several shootouts already this year. I’ll chalk up last week’s complete dud of a game to Klifford and the Cardinals offense, also approaching similar status to the Broncos. Make no mistake, this Seacocks’ defense is incredibly bad and Herbert has yet to really unleash his dick. The Chargers have the highest total on the slate and this is the week.

I guess I’ll be chasing points with Burrow this week. The Bengals have the 3rd highest team total on the slate facing a Falcons defense that is absolute donkey dick, allowing the second most pass yards per game. They just let the Pornstar Whisperer throw for 296. Atlanta started the season in 3 straight games totaling over 50 and I expect them to revert back to that against a good Bengals offense.

I thought about playing Dak stacks against the Lions, but the Dallas D is so fucking good. The Lions will get slapped and won’t be able to keep the pace up. I’m going back to the fucking well with Lamar. Cleveland is allowing 5 yards per carry and is in the bottom half of the league in pass yards against. Lamar in GPPs is rarely a mistake for upside alone, but he’s in another good spot this week at home in a game that has a must-win feel to it for the Ravens. There will be something dragging behind his body on his 75-yard TD run and it won’t be his towel. This is what the field will look like on Sunday:

I see it’s Josh Jacobs chalk week. What could go wrong? I’ll just say it right away, I’m fading him. If I’m going to play one of the chalk dusters it’s going to be Kenneth Walker for less.

With Keenan Allen seemingly completely fucked and Joshua Palmer in concussion protocol, Austin Ekeler is one of my favorite plays. He can be stacked with Herbert or just solo against this ass shit Seattle defense. The Chargers are 5.5-point favorites in the game with the highest total on the slate. There is no limit to the length of my erection when Ekeler hits the double boner.

One of the running backs I’ll pay up for is Uncle Fourskin. The Panthers are allowing the 6th most rushing yards per game and the Bucs are 10-point favorites. He should get 25+ touches. I will be playing him in lineups I can fit him. I thought about Aaron Jones for a similar price, but I can’t justify it. Rodgers needs to get the ayahuasca going again or something because the Packers’ offense fucking sucks.

It’s Etienne time. The Giants’ defense is allowing an NFL-worst 5.6 YPC and just let Kenyan Drake go 10 for 119. The Jags are small home favorites and I expect them to finally let him loose. At $5.4k and 6%, I don’t see a much better play at RB considering he is $400 less than a 30%+ owned Kenneth Walker. Pierce and Hall have already broken out, now it’s Etienne’s turn to unsheathe his stiff rod.

Is anyone else worried about their pants ripping at the fucking crotch this weekend? That’s my only concern playing these Herbert-Mike Williams–Metcalf stacks. I outlined above how bad the Seacocks’ defense is. Keenan Allen, Palmer, and Everett are banged up, so the target tree is extremely limited to Williams/Ekeler. Williams got the Surtain Curtain treatment last week but I expect him to bounce back massively this week at around 5% ownership.

I’ll play a few variations of the Burrow stacks. Burrow-Chase–Higgins or Burrow-Chase-Hurst are my two favorites, but I may have a few Burrow-Higgins-Hurst in there. The easy comeback in this game is Drake London. I’m not sure if people are afraid of chasing points or the price is too high, but this stack is still going to be fairly low owned and the Falcons D is so fucking bad.

I just read that Mark Andrews missed another day of practice on Thursday. The Ravens don’t have many other options outside of Likely and Master Bateman. If Andrews is out I will have some combo of those two in a stack as long as Bateman is playing. Otherwise naked Lamar is an option for when they inevitably ground and pound all game. Hopefully the Ravens picked up on some of the Giants sideline healing strategies and can get Andrews back out there quickly:

A few other WR I like this week:

• Davante Adams – Best leverage spot on the slate off chalk Jacobs, leads the league in end zone targets, and pushed cameraman narrative.
• Deebo Samuel/Aiyuk – WRs against the Chiefs are always a good idea. When Mahomes unveils his dick and puts up 30 SF will be forced to pass.
• MVS – a couple darts won’t hurt. He’s feeling the Shit Chest heat.
• Romeo Doubs – someone has to catch passes there.
• Duvernay – Somehow has 6 red zone targets this year.
• Peoples-Jones – averaging 6 targets per game at $4.1k against a terrible secondary.
• Wan’Dale Robinson – Targeted 4 times in 15 snaps. If he plays more my dick is coming out.

It’s finally time to go cheap at TE. That Kelce price is off the rails, Andrews is hurt and Darren Waller is taking his rib remover nickname to heart. A few of my favorite plays this week are Njoku (comeback in Lamar lineups), get out the Hurst (Burrow stacks), Everett (If healthy in Herbert stacks), Otton, and the Evan Engram revenge game.

At defense I’ll fade the Jets every fucking week at 20% ownership. The defenses I like this week are Carolina (Tom Brady wrinkled penis elbow narrative), Houston (Carr), Titans (Matt Ryan), Commanders (Rodgers is ass crack now), and the Jags (Danny Dimes).

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. It’s King Henry. Besides maybe Davante Adams, there is no better leverage spot on the slate than Henry. The Colts are coming off a game where they allowed the Jags to absolutely dick-dust them for 243 rushing yards at 7.4 YPC. Henry is fresh off a bye and already ran for 114 on them once this year. Nissan Stadium is getting a paint job this weekend and I’m not talking about cars. These are the sounds that will be coming from my living room on Sunday when Henry breaks the slate:

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I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

Cover photo: George Walker IV/The Tennessean