The slate wasn’t really that bad for me until DK Metcalf got injured and it all started crumbling. Shortly after that Josh Jacobs unveiled his foot-long python on the Texans’ defense and the day was over for me. Somehow the Raiders scored 38 points and Davante Adams didn’t score a touchdown. The highlight of the afternoon was probably seeing a 40% Jets defense pop up around 3pm CST. That highlight was quickly diminished watching the Josh Jacobs paint job unfold over the next two hours. It wasn’t a total loss but it was close and after 4 green weeks, it was a tough one to see.

I might need to deactivate my account. I ended up with a Milly Maker Wrinkled Penis Elbow–Pittman–Campbell lineup and got what I deserved with that one. In that same game, Henry got 33 touches but somehow didn’t break off a long run or score a TD. It’s possible that the time has come for him.

Not that anyone cares but I also got blasted out of my eliminator pool by a Tom Brady loss for the third straight season. He was a 10+ point favorite each time.

This is pretty much a live shot of me 30 seconds before lock trying to upload the final lineups, maybe a contributing factor to today’s results:

Onto a few of my thoughts for Monday Night Football.

The Dick Zapper was absolutely dealing last week against Cleveland, but they are unfortunately going to let Mac Jones play again. The Bears have one of the worst run defenses in the NFL, allowing 163 yards per game. Mac Jones’ ankle is still likely some form of a crinkled dick so double Patriots running back is a lock. I’d be shocked if they don’t run the ball 40 times tonight.

Bill Belichick sold me on the Bears’ run game. I’m captaining David “Frankenstein” Montgomery. It doesn’t seem to matter the game script with him and the Patriots are in the bottom half of the league in yards against on the ground. The first lineup I built was a 5-1 Patriots onslaught with Stevenson on the throne so I thought I should go with the complete opposite to get contrarian. I’m not saying this is the most likely outcome, but Montgomery is the best leverage and should be the lowest-owned acceptable captain. Montgomery whipping his dick out tonight:

Fields has been sacked more than 5 times in 3 of his last 4 games so I won’t blame anyone for playing the Patriots defense, but I think they will be over-owned. I’ll fade them and play Dick Folk instead. Like I said on Thursday, I’m fucking sick of seeing these Milly Maker winners with at least one kicker and having 0 myself. This game looks like one of those ass shit games that are perfect for kickers.

The only Bear I’m playing besides Montgomery is Penus Jones Jr. He will only get a few touches, but he’s also the kick/punt returner and ran a 4.31 40-yard dash. He is feeling the fire after fumbling a punt last week, but they need to get him the ball. At $1.2k he is worth a dart. Here’s a look at me when he fumbles again on his first punt return:

I could really use this $500k tonight.

I’ll be back on Friday with the main slate preview.

-CashGod-

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Photo: AP Photos/Nam Y. Huh