I could hardly open the DraftKings app on Sunday. I inexplicably faded Tony Pollard, got slapped in the face by the long dick of the law in Alvin Kamara, and finished near the bots in almost all of my contests. I don’t want to see any victory lapping about Pollard. He barely played over 50% of the snaps and only had 14 carries. This was an absolutely absurd week of scoring – sometimes the chalk hits and you lose. We call that variance and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I ended up with far too many Mostert–Kenneth Walker III lineups and not enough Waddle even though I began to pump him up in my lineups like an inflatable penis attached to the front of my body as we approached lock. I even had some Foreman, but it wasn’t enough.

I cannot describe the slate any better than this video. I’m the guy with the camera and the ball is the slate:

Onto a few thoughts for Monday Night.

This Browns D is in tough shape and this Bengals offense has been dicks out lately. I’m not sure if it was the slapping I received on the Sunday slate or what, but I’m playing Tee Higgins. He is going to be highly owned, but he is clearly the best play and I’d take a min cash at this point. I cannot tell if they came out with the salaries before Chase was ruled out or they forgot, but Higgins’ price is way too low.

I won’t be stopped from going double-kicker again. This is a perfect game for it. Zac Taylor loves taking the points. I’ve seen enough of the primetime games this year and I won’t be left out of the kicker orgy any longer. There is nothing worse than watching these guys drill kick after kick knowing they were so cheap and could fit in any lineup.

Draftkings has a restriction placed on my account that will not let me submit these showdown lineups without Dick Chubb. The Cincinnati defense is in the bottom half against the run and Chubb is always ready to reveal his stiff one. With Kareem Hunt trade rumors swirling they’ll feature Chubb even more. Dick Chubb in his last 3 games against the Bengals 319 yards and 4 TDs. Is that good?

I’m fading the Browns’ passing game completely outside of the Pharaoh. At $200, he is an absolute lock if he is active. Last time I did this passing game fade Amari Cooper decided it was time to bring his hose out. But, the Bengals’ defense is somehow top 10 in passing yards allowed and so I expect them to ride Chubb all game. Me on the phone calling my doctor when my erection won’t go away tomorrow night:

I need this $500k.

I’ll be back on Friday with the main slate preview.

-CashGod-

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Photo: Charlie Riedel/Associated Press