This line is going to sound familiar because it happened in NFL too. I stopped looking at my lineup sometime on Saturday because of the 3 fucking missed cuts that stained my screen. I’m grasping at straws for something to blame, but it’s just so difficult to get your dick hard for some of these fields. The field last week looked like when you walk into an outhouse and immediately turn back the other way because of the paint job covering every inch of plastic inside of it.

Luckily, we are onto a better and more normal-looking field this week. I am absolutely sickened to report that Rory is the number-one player in the world now after his win.

It’s time for the plays.

I wanted to play Scheffler but cannot justify it at that price. Although, I think he might have a little extra motivation now that Rory took the number-one spot from him. It’s either that or he folds over like a flaccid dick and fades off. I’m playing Tony Finau instead. He is number one in recent strokes gained metrics and should help avoid the Hovland chalk a bit. This is Tony’s first event of the season but he was one of the hottest golfers at the end of last season, finishing T1, T1, T5, T28, and 9th to close out the year. Tony the Tiger is on the loose.

Maverick McNealy has been edging the top 10 for the past 3 years (T11, T12, and T26) at this tournament and this is the year he finally breaks through. The tournaments have been absolute ass shit, but he has had a good start to the season with a T10, a T12, and a T18. He won’t be the only thing breaking through this weekend. A stiff pole will also be breaking through my pants when he cracks the top 10.

It’s time for a certified geezer. We don’t know how much longer big Kuch will be able to do this but I’m playing him this week at $8k. He played like dogshit to close last season, but we can chalk that up to playing that deep into the year at that age. He’s been reborn again this year, starting with a T12 and T29. His history at this event speaks for itself (T22, T14, and a win in 2018). I fully expect him to unsheathe it again this year as one of the best values in the entire field.

The next name I landed on was Dick Hardy. This one kind of goes without saying as a lock based on name alone, but he’s actually played well to start the season. He was fucking terrible at the Fortinet Championship but lived up to his name at Sanderson Farms with a T5. Like Kuchar, Dick Hardy is one of the best values in the field at $7.8k and around 7% owned. I’ll be balls deep. Anyone in the vicinity of the green while Hardy is in action on Sunday:

This next play is a complete punt. I took a look at Danny Lee’s full results from last season and I can safely say I’ll never be returning to that page on the internet ever again. It was so fucking bad. Having said that, this guy absolutely slaps this course, finishing T7, T26, T2, and T25 in his last 4 tournaments here. This is purely a course history play at $6.6k and less than 2% ownership.

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. It’s Iron Man, Collin Morikawa. He has to have hit almost rock bottom, finishing in the 20s and 40s of these complete dogshit tournaments so far this season. He’s never played in this tournament but claims he’s “putting a lot of pieces together” this year and going to get back to winning. A piece I will be putting together is a montage of myself helicopter dicking in the living room when he wins it on Sunday afternoon.

I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

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