I described it in detail in the Monday Night Football write-up, but I lost it all on Sunday. No Kamara and fading the Pollard chalk was enough to cancel out any profit. After looking at the winning lineups I take some solace in the fact that these had to be some of the all-time chalkiest lineups, but holy shit is that variance or should I consider playing the chalk more? If this continues for a few more weeks I might need to rethink, but it seems like variance.

I could really use a good week this week. Throw me a fucking crumb DraftKings.

It’s time for the plays. It looks like there is some early chalk consolidating on Rodgers. Those poor souls will be in for an awakening when they see his atrocious stat line emerge around 3:30pm on Sunday.

I’m playing Justin Sherbert until he erupts. There isn’t anything that can stop me. Panthers head coach Steve Wilks took one look at the Falcons’ defense last and said, “Yeah, let’s gas up the fucking PJ this week” and proceeded to let PJ Walker throw the ball a career-high 36 times for 317 yards. I don’t expect anything different out of the Chargers and Brandon Staley this week. The WR room looks similar to what you’d expect to see inside a buffet bathroom around 1pm on any given weekday, but it doesn’t fucking matter. The Chargers have the second-highest team total on the slate and this Falcons’ pass defense is the worst in the NFL by almost 30 yards per game.

I’m going back to the well on Kyler Murray. Two weeks ago they played Seattle in a fucking abysmal game where the Cardinals scored 9 points. The very next week was when I thought Kliff was going to get blasted by Kyler himself on the sidelines. This game has the highest total on the slate and this Seattle defense is still complete dogshit. Kyler hasn’t hit his passing ceiling yet this year and he already ran for 100 yards on them two weeks ago. The pieces in this game are going a bit overlooked and I’d be shocked if it was another dud.

This is a name I thought I’d permanently erased from the pool, but the last QB I’m playing is Justin Fields. It’s time. Gone are the 10 attempt games. They are finally letting him sling the ball a bit and the rushing upside is obvious. The Bears are full-blown tanking having just traded Roquan Smith. The total for this game is somehow 45.5, likely as a result of how fucking bad the Bears’ defense is. The script should be in Fields’ favor all game. Live shot of Fields unveiling his dick at only $5.3k on Sunday:

I’ve said this several times this year, but the Chargers are allowing an obscene number of yards per carry and it’s somehow getting worse (5.7 on the season and 6 in the last 3 games). I can already see Arthur Smith unzipping his pants and reaching in for his rod. These are the matchups he lives for. This is going to sound fucking terrible, but I’m playing Caleb Huntley this week. Allgeier has looked like Trent Richardson 2.0 so far and I don’t expect Patterson to play much, if at all. Huntley is more efficient, explosive, and seemingly just better than Allgeier. As long as they don’t get the doors blown off score-wise he should get 15+ touches and that is plenty at $4.9k against a dogshit Chargers D.

Travis Etienne has a stronger grip on the Jacksonville backfield than I had on my dick the last night before No Nut November began a few days ago. DraftKings has not adjusted his price ($6.3k) appropriately yet. Thanks, Jason. This game is the third-highest total on the slate so I’d like some exposure to it and Etienne is the best option. I said it last week with Walker, but I’ll play him until they raise his price to a reasonable number.

Speaking of Kenneth Walker, they actually lowered his price this week ($6.2k) and I am going back to the fucking well. His big-play ability makes him a great bring-back option on Cardinals stacks in the best game on the slate. 20+ touches at $6.2k? As long as he’s under $7k there’s little chance I’m not playing him every week. Here’s Walker’s exact response to a reporter asking if the Cardinals know how long his dick is:

These Herbert stacks will get interesting with how depleted they are at wide receiver. It’s time for the Joshua Palmer coming-out party. This is either a lock or as close to one as you can get. We all saw the paint job that the Panthers left in Atlanta last week. I’ll have a mix of Palmer, Carter, Ekeler, and Everett in these stacks with London/Huntley or no comeback. I expect Staley to blast this horrific pass defense all fucking day.

The Kyler stacks are as simple as ever. Kyler-Hopkins with Walker, Metcalf or Lockett on the comeback. I mentioned it above, but this is one of the best games on the slate and despite the fucking dumpster fire 2 weeks ago, I expect this one to actually shootout. I want to get as many players from this game as possible.

I can hardly get my dick hard enough to play a Bears WR, but I’ve already committed to Justin Fields so I’ll have both solo fields and Fields-Mooney stacks with Tyreek and Waddle on the comeback. If you drive by my house on Sunday you will hear this sound coming from the window each time Mooney scores (hint: it will be more than once):

A few other WRs I like this week:

• Davante Adams (Back to the fucking well. The whole Raiders team had the flu last week and this game has the third-highest total on the slate.)
• Chris Godwin (I saw Brady with a Godwin shirt on this week, we have to cling to any narrative in Tampa)
• Scary Terry (My second favorite one-off WR. The Vikings defense is still fucking terrible and Heineken feeds him like a goose at the local pond).
• Romeo Doubs (Rodgers only has two receivers including Aaron Jones. Doubs is one of two, unless Watson is healthy).
• Amon-Ra St. Brown (This is my favorite one-off WR play of the week. Hockencock is gone and this game has the highest total on the slate).
• Mack Hollins (This guy either dodged the exploding diarrhea that the Raiders had last week or is the only one that shows up and plays each week).

I’m going to have an irresponsible amount of Evan Engram this week. He’s averaging almost 6 targets per game and at $3.3k he is clearly one of the best values on the slate. The other TEs I like this week are Gronklin, Tonyan, and Hurst. Kyle Pitts chalk – what could go wrong? I’ll have a few.

The only thing worse than playing Colts players is playing the defense, but I’m playing it. They are playing inspired after the Wrinkled Penis Elbow benching. The other defenses I like are the Jags (Carr), the Jets (min price and Robert Saleh fuck ’em narrative), and the Cardinals. I had a tough time picking these, there aren’t many that I like.

It’s time for the week 9 Cash God Guarantee. The Packers season is either already over or on the line each week from here on out. Aaron Jones is their best player by an extremely wide margin and Detroit has one of the worst defenses in the NFL. I want to play Ekeler and will have some, but Jones is staring me in the face at $1.4k less. I’m not sure how this game is the highest total on the slate the way the Packers have played this year, but it’s just a testament to how fucking bad the Lions D is. Live shot of me on the couch when Aaron Jones hits 40 DK points:

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