I got fucking blasted. The week I play the Miami stack is the week they gurgle their own sacks at their highest cumulative price in a game where they scored 39 as a team. Going down from Amon-Ra St. Brown to Cooper in almost every situation possible was also a mistake.

There was no overcoming those Dolphins WR, even in Fields stacks. Two conclusions from Sunday:

1. The chalk donkeys are stampeding the website.
2. It appears that Justin Fields is a lock until they bring his price to a reasonable amount.

Onto MNF.

I’m guzzling the chalk. I’m playing Hurts in the throne tonight. He already brought out the long dick of the law against the Commanders once this year and he will do it again tonight. Last time they played, he scored 30 despite almost none of it coming on the ground. The ownership will probably be almost 100%, but what has to happen has to happen. The Commanders have allowed the 4th-fewest rushing yards in the NFL over the past 3 games so the script will likely be pass-heavy, at least to start.

A blue whale has a penis length between 8 and 10 feet. Logan Thomas‘ measurement isn’t far behind and he’s an absolute lock tonight at $2.6k. Thomas has been trying a new stretching routine the last two games (while scoring 0) in his return from injury, making me think he’s possibly removed a rib to allow for maximum flexibility. The connection between Heineken and Thomas is strong, so I expect him to bounce back tonight. Here’s a look at Thomas’ new stretch:

The Eagles defense seems to have a clear weakness against the run. Dameon Pierce put on a jizz-show last week, running for 139 yards on 27 carries. As a result, Riverboat Ron is heading to the local gas-station for some Viagra and a roll of paper towels. They are going to absolutely pound the ball on the ground. I’m playing double Commanders running back.

These kickers are fucking terrible. At first glance, I thought this Commanders team seemed perfect for a kicker play, but they refuse to kick field goals or their offense sucks too much. I’m fading the kickers and defenses in this game, what could go wrong?

My final thought: Gurgling Hurts chalk at captain means I’ll have to leave a lot of dick on the table (leftover salary) and/or fade someone else. I’m fading A.J. Brown, playing Goedert, and leaving some massive dick (Visanthe Shiancoe length) on the table tonight. Live reaction from me when A.J. Brown somehow has 2 rushing TDs and Goedert ends with 0 points:

I’ll be back on Friday with the main slate preview.

-CashGod-

If you like this content, please follow on Twitter and subscribe below.

• Twitter

Photo: Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports