Maybe this goes without saying, but I got completely fucked by the Rondale Moore injury on Monday and my night was over on what was pretty much the first play. I could hardly watch the game.

Good thing we have a short week and a 3-game slate on Thursday. While everyone gurgles down turkey I’ll be in the other room, dick in hand, sweating the milly.

It’s time for a few plays.

Two of the bottom-5 defenses in the NFL are on this slate. The Lions are the worst and they play Josh Allen. Have you ever opened up a Wendy’s bathroom stall only to see a spray like you’d only expect from a shotgun all over the fucking toilet? If not, you’re going to see a similar paint job at Ford Field on Thursday around midday. I can only imagine the ownership on Allen, but it’s tough to see how he doesn’t get 40. Barring an 80% ownership projection, I’ll be playing almost all Allen and trying to get unique elsewhere. Nothing wrong with a couple quad stacks.

The other clear choice at QB is Jared Goff. He went to fucking Jared. This Bills have a good D, but will likely be one of the higher owned and the Lions should be forced to throw all game which could provide some nice leverage. I will note that Jared is terrible, but the game script, the highest total on the slate by almost 10 points, and a home Thanksgiving day game should be enough for him to get his dick hard. Here is a video I found of Goff walking into Ford Field on Thursday, searching high and low for those fucking turkey legs:

There’s no fading Tony Pollard. I don’t care how many times Jerry Jones mutters “We go as Zeke goes” into the mics, I’m firing Pollard. The Giants have allowed the second most yards per carry (5.3) in the NFL and the Cowboys are big home favorites. There is a chance they let Zeke have his moment on Thanksgiving, but otherwise, Pollard is in another absolute dicks out spot. They inexplicably didn’t move his price. I’m all in this time.

Everything is pointing to never playing D’Andre Swift again, but that makes me want to play him this week. I’d expect Detroit to be playing from behind for most of this game once Allen, Diggs, etc uncoil their dicks. Justin Jackson somehow ran the same number of routes as Swift in week 11 (9), but I can’t see that happening again. This will be the 5th week since he returned from injury and the wheel is as squeaky as it could possibly be. If it doesn’t happen soon then it’s over. Here’s a live shot of me sitting on the couch watching Swift score for a second time:

The Allen-Diggs-Davis stacks with an Amon-Ra St. Brown will be among the most popular on the slate, but they are now comfortable with Ford Field having played there last week (all about the pregame locker room fap reps). The Lions have the worst defense in the NFL by almost 30 yards per game. If this stack doesn’t hit I’ll consider retiring. I also don’t mind a quad stack or even a full game stack adding Knox and Swift. These options could help get unique and this is clearly the best game on the slate.

There was a time when I considered Mac Jones but tried to walk through the stacks and they were so fucking bad I couldn’t do it. I’d rather play a Goff–ASB-Swift stack with Gabe Davis/Diggs on the comeback. Buffalo is somehow in the bottom half of pass yards against and 4th-worst in their last 3 games. Even if they go up big there is plenty of time for garbage time stats. Nothing brings Goff to full mast quicker than the thought of soft coverage garbage time stats. Goff the moment they’re down 20 late in the 3rd:

A few other WRs I like this week:

• Darius Slayton – He’s the only one left in New York.
• Jakobi Meyers – The Vikings D is allowing the second most passing yards per game and is the worst red-zone defense in the NFL.
• K.J. Osborn – I’m fading Jefferson. I’d expect more short passes with Darrisaw out.

I’ve heard all of the Belichick takes away the number one option narratives so it’s Hockencock time. The only other tight ends I’ll play are Knox and Cager. If you looked at a video of a volcano eruption and the wall in my living room after Lawrence Cager catches a TD on Thursday you would not be able to tell the difference.

I’m going to disregard defense almost completely and play whatever fits, but my favorite is the Patriots’ D. The Vikings’ backup LT was dick dusted on nearly every play last week after Darrisaw went down. It will be no different this week with Judon and his footlong coming to US Bank Stadium.

It’s time for the Thanksgiving Cash God Guarantee. Stefon Diggs has had 2 dogshit games in his last 3, but it’s time for the big bounce back. I’m somewhat worried about what the neighbors may say when they see my steel fucking rod shoot through their wall when Diggs scores his third of the game early in the 4th quarter. He’s going dicks out this weekend and I won’t be distracted by the ownership projection this time.

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