There is a serious chance I need to retire from showdowns. I am so fucking bad. Every time I enter, I am convinced I’ve found the nuts only to be in complete shambles after the game’s first touchdown. The showdown slate on Monday was a continuation of the dick dusting I received on Thursday and again on Sunday. There isn’t much more of a sinking feeling than watching red zone and having all of the touchdowns be players you don’t have.

What can you do about variance though? It could take years to realize expectation they say. I’m just waiting my turn.

It’s time for the plays.

I want to play the Rodgers last ride lineup so badly, but will resist outside of maybe one dart fired on Sunday morning on the toilet. I will surely have a Mike White stack slip through the cracks by the time lock rolls around.

I’m doing it again. I’m playing Justin Herbert. I said I wouldn’t but this week I have no choice. The Raiders are allowing the sixth-most passing yards in the NFL and this game has the third-highest total on the slate. Herbert finally appears to be settling in a bit with back-to-back good games. Derek Carb and the Raiders’ sorry excuse for a team are the only things that could stop this game from erupting like my dick on December 1st. I expect a shootout and a massive Herbert game.

There is almost nothing better than a Patrick Mahomes week. If you think the AFC Championship game loss isn’t lurking in the back of his mind think again. On top of that you can throw in the baby narrative and he becomes a complete fucking lock. The Chiefs have the highest team total on the slate and this is by far the best game. His ownership should stay under control, these lineups get thinner than a pencil dick after you jam the stars into the stack.

I’m going back to the fucking well. Trevor Lawrence in the friendliest DFS stadium in the NFL? Click the button. The Lions feel like one of the worst defenses of all time, allowing 415 yards per game. Lawrence has really begun to swing his dick around lately, as expected with QB Whisperer Doug Pederson at the helm. This game has the second-highest total and Detroit has not had a home game go under 50 points all year (3 went over 60). If the ownership on this game gets too out of control that’s where the Mike White stacks come in. Lawrence taking the field in Detroit on Sunday:

We all remember what Aaron Jones did at Lambeau against the Bears earlier this season. Rodgers’ entire body, including his wilted fucking dick, is injured. I see no reason why the Packers would even play him in the first place, but since they are we might as well play Jones against the Bears defense. The Bears are allowing the 6th-most rushing yards per game and just let Zonovan Knight run for 4.9 yards per carry. If anyone could have told me who that was before last week I’d have eaten my own sack on Instagram live.

There has been some talk of Dameon Pierce slowing down as a result of a career-high workload (including college), but I’m not convinced of that. The Texans have faced back-to-back top-10 rush defenses and have been down multiple scores in both games. Meanwhile, Cleveland is horse-ass against the run and has allowed 150+ per game over their last 3. I will be playing Pierce.

I really don’t like this next play, but I feel like it’s necessary for salary savings on some of these lineups. It’s Brian Robinson time. His snap counts are ugly, but when he’s in the game he’s getting the fucking ball. He’s averaging 19 touches per game over the last 4 games. That’s enough to bring me to full fucking mast at $5.3k.

I almost mentioned Watson above, but there is no fucking way I’ll be able to play him with how many Dick Chubb lineups I’m going to have. I feel like I’ve said it every week, but I am going to play any running back against Houston. They are allowing the most rushing yards per game by almost 15 yards. I can imagine they’d let Watson ease back into things and just fucking pound Dick Chubb 30 times. Any time I’m asked to describe Chubb:

My favorite Herbert stacks are Allen–Palmer with an Adams comeback. Adams owes me around $1.1m after that performance last week, but he has a chance to redeem himself this week. This Raiders defense is horrific and Herbert has already thrown for 279 and 3 TDs on them this season. It’s time for this stack to finally pay off.

The best Lawrence stack this week is Lawrence-Kirk–Zay Jones with an Amon-Ra St. Brown comeback. I will have some variations with Zay and Marvin Jones, but those two will likely be saved for other lineups that need salary help.

I don’t think it’s viable to make Mahomes stacks that don’t include Travis Kelce. I’m not even sure it’s possible to make a winning lineup without Kelce this week. I’ll be mostly single-stacking Mahomes-Kelce with Chase as a comeback. I saw a few quotes from Chase saying “I don’t think I can be stopped” and that was enough for me. I have absolutely no doubt that I will be helicopter dick celebrating his 3rd TD of the day somewhere around 2pm on Sunday. Audio of that celebration:

A few other WRs I like this week:

• Tyreek/Waddler – This game is one that I think could be a sneaky shootout. In close games, no one erects more than Tyreek Hill.
• Brandon Aiyuk – Great mini-correlation with Tyreek/Waddler. This game is underowned.
• A.J. Brown – One of the biggest revenge games of the season against a pass funnel Titans defense allowing the second most pass yards per game.
• Amari Cooper/DPJ – In lineups I don’t have Dick Chubb I’ll be playing Cooper/DPJ.
• Christian Watson – Chicago is dog ass on D and Watson is one of the hottest receivers in the NFL. At some point touchdown regression will hit, but not this week.
• Garrett Wilson – This Vikings pass defense might be all-time bad. Wilson might be a lock this week.

Get out the fucking Hurst. In the lineups I don’t play Kelce I’ll play a mix of Freiermuth, Gronklin, Hockencock, and Hurst. The Falcons are completely inept against the pass and he is by far Dickett’s favorite target. Gronklin has revenge on his mind in his return to US Bank Stadium and Hurst will be in a positive game script all game against KC.

My favorite defense is Green Bay. I expect the Packers to have a lead, forcing Chicago to throw. It’s incredible that the Bears have allowed the second-most sacks in the league given how few attempts Fields has some games. A few other defenses I like are the Commanders (Danny Dimes), the Rams (way too cheap), and the Dolphins (Mike McDaniel slapping Jimmy G narrative).

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. I wasn’t joking when I said I’m not sure you can win without Kelce this week. The best player outside of Mahomes in the highest total game on the slate. It doesn’t get much more straightforward than this. This is a call-your-doctor type week, I’m already preparing for the long haul on Sunday. An 8-hour erection culminating in a Kelce walk-off TD for the million. A sneak preview of that moment for me:

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Photo Credit: AP Photo/Jason Behnken