There is nothing worse than going into a week thinking you read the slate like a book only to see an absolute 0 at the end of the day. We finally had some good games and I performed a dick-gurgling routine on myself with Lawrence, Mahomes, and Herbert. I’m not sure how many times I have to be fooled by Herbert to learn that he can’t be played at all, much less at over $7k. If he can’t do it against the Raiders’ dogshit defense he won’t do it against anyone.

Fortunately, the turnaround time on these slates is quick. If only the turnaround time on my income was as quick. We are onto Sunday. Live look at me 5 minutes into the slate last Sunday:

He went to Jared. If we have learned one thing this year it’s that the Vikings D is an absolute jizz funnel for opposing quarterbacks. Mike White, Josh Allen, Mac Jones, it doesn’t fucking matter. If a QB needs the best game of their life they’re going to get it against this defense. Goff comes in with a healthy offense and is only $5.6k. This game has the highest total on the slate by a wide margin so I’d expect some ownership, but fade at your own risk. I’ll be balls deep.

This is truly one of the worst sets of games I’ve ever seen. I’m paying up for Josh Allen. I said something similar last week about Mahomes, but I’ll say it again with Allen. That loss to the Jets earlier this season is lurking in the back of his mind like the DraftKings deposit is in mine. The Jets have a good defense and there’s always a chance Head Coach Robert Saleh brings his dick out mid-game, but Allen is clearly one of the best plays on the slate. Allen ran for 86 yards and 2 touchdowns last game against the Jets and I’d expect more of the same especially if the coverage is good.

I was between Cousins, Cousins 2.0, and Huntley with this last QB, but I’m going with the Cousins 2.0. I fucking hate playing Tannehill, but this is the week. The Jags’ defense has become a sieve, allowing the second most passing yards per game in the NFL over their last 3 and 4th-most on the year overall. A bonus for us is that the Titans have an ass-shit pass defense of their own so there is a good chance this game can get out of hand scoring-wise. Of course, there is always a chance King Henry uncoils the python. Tannehill in his pregame interview:

I’m playing Tony Pollard. There is nothing that can stop me this time. Houston’s run defense is the equivalent of a used piece of toilet paper floating in the toilet after the paint job of a lifetime. Zeke has been gurgling more carries than I’d like, but Pollard is so explosive that it doesn’t take many touches for him to go full-blown dicks out. The Cowboys are gigantic home favorites and have the highest team total on the slate by over 3 points. They should give their Dak a rest and just pound the fucking rock 60 times.

When is the last time King Henry was under $8k after November? I’m not going to go back and look but it’s likely been multiple years. I outlined it above, but the Jags’ defense has become complete dogshit. They’ve allowed almost 140 yards per game on the ground over their last 3 and are coming off a complete dick-dusting at the hands of Detroit. I’ll be playing Henry in lineups that I don’t play Tanne.

D’Andre Swift is back – now it’s time for me to go back to the well. I would like to stack as many players in this game as possible and Swift is no exception. Jamaal Williams is the biggest vulture in the history of fantasy football, but the tides finally appear to be turning back towards Swift. I’m going to consider retiring forever if he vultures a few more this weekend. There’s almost nothing worse than seeing Williams jog in when the Lions are one yard from the end zone.

Not only is the Vikings’ defense dogshit, but several players are now dealing with an illness. Amon-Raw St. Brown might be in the best spot he has seen all season. This is the easiest stack of the slate with Goff-Raw-Chark. The Lions bottled up Jefferson in their last matchup, but I can’t imagine that happening again. I’ll be mostly playing Jefferson or Hockencock on the comeback in these stacks.

I will mostly be single-stacking Allen and Diggs due to Allen’s rushing upside. I’m sure a few Allen to Davis lineups will also slip through the cracks. The comeback is simple here with Garrett Wilson. Diggs hasn’t really had a true eruption game since week 2 and it’s time for the snake to come out of hiding once again.

It might be best to close our eyes and hope for the best in the Tanne stacks. It looks like Burks is going to be out with the concussion, so we are left with the most horse cock pairing of all time in Robert Woods and Westbrook-Ikhine. I’m fully expecting to look at this stack at around 2 pm and think to myself, “What the fuck was going on here” and firing up the charity tax form with Draftkings listed as the beneficiary. Here’s a live shot of me on Sunday:

A few other WRs I like this week:

• Amari Cooper (If he plays) – Watson looked like the reincarnation of Christian Ponder last week so there’s nowhere to go but up.
• Tyler Lockett – Low ownership and a low price against a dogshit team.
• Michael Gallup – Likely the only Cowboys WR I’ll play this week and a potential explosion spot against the worst defense in the NFL.
• Zay Jones/Christian Kirk – Comebacks in the ass shit Titans stacks.
• DJ Moore – He is back to being relevant since they put Baker to pasture.
• George Pickens – This is a full blown squeaky wheel narrative. He is frustrated with his role in the offense. They will feed him like a goose at the local pond.

At TE I will likely be irresponsibly heavy on the TJ Hockencock revenge game. My other favorites this week are Gronklin, Mark Andrews (we all remember Tyler Huntley szn last year. I’ve never seen so many fucking targets to a tight end), Chigoziem Okonkwo in Titans stacks, and Evan Engram for the 14th week in a row.

My favorite defense this week is the Niners. Brady has the most wilted fucking dick of an arm I’ve seen in my life. It’s over. The Niners have one of the best defenses in the league and will be playing with a bit extra juice for Big Cock Brock. Other defenses I’ll play are the Browns, Bucs, Lions, and Ravens against Kenny Dickett.

It’s time for the week 14 Cash God Guarantee. This week it’s Miles fucking Sanders. He’s cost me a lot of money over the past couple years in both DFS and season-long. It’s time for some positive regression. The Giants are allowing the sixth-most rushing yards per game and the Eagles seemingly have no problem pounding the rock against bad run defenses. 14 weeks in and I think it’s time for variance to swing in my direction. Here’s a shot of me sitting on the couch after Sanders runs in his 4th of the day:

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