Last week was somehow my best week of the year. No massive wins, but finally some nice profit. I dodged some of the bad chalk and ended up with a lot of Evan Engram on his dicks out game of the year. I was stoking that volcano with dollars pretty much every week of the season so it was good to finally see it erupt.

We have another very slim slate of games this week with only 10 on the main slate. What’s nice is that we have another shot at a million on Saturday with a nice 3-game slate. I will, without a doubt, be firing that as well. Nothing satisfies my morning wood quite like tuning into a Noon Nightmare home game on a Saturday.

It’s time for the plays.

I feel like a broken record at this point, but I’m doing it again. I’m fully prepared to have the imprint of my own dick on my forehead come Monday. I’m playing Justin Herbert. They are letting him fucking rip. He’s attempted 47,47, and 51 throws in his last 3 games and now faces a Titans defense that is allowing the second-most yards through the air in the NFL. They would likely be allowing the most if it wasn’t for a historically bad Minnesota defense. I’m playing Herbert in the 4th-highest game total on the slate and ready to eat my words if I’m wrong again.

There is no chance I’m fading Jalen Hurts against the Bears. They are in the bottom half in total yards and getting completely blasted on the ground (6th-most in the NFL). It was only two weeks ago that this team allowed Mike White to unsheathe the sword from has pants and drag it on the field to the tune of 315 yards and 3 TDs.

The Bucs’ defense has become similar strength to my flaccid dick dipping into a cold lake. This sets up nicely with Joe Burrow and the Bengals coming to town for a late afternoon game. They just allowed Big Cock Brock to throw for almost 9 yards per attempt and 2 touchdowns in his first career start. The only thing standing in the way of Burrow is a Zac Taylor self-sucking. This game has sneaky shootout potential if Brady’s wilted arm has any juice left inside it. Burrow stretching pregame:

I won’t be the only one saying this, but we have finally arrived at the Isiah Pacheco week. It’s almost as simple as playing running backs against Houston every week and the ownership may stay reasonable with Jerick McKinnon lurking. The Chiefs have the biggest team total on the slate by 3 full points and are 14-point favorites. If you’re going to play Pacheco this year this is the time.

At one point last week I thought Derrick Henry would break the single-game rushing record, but the self-dick gurgling process began when the Titans fell behind big to Trevor Lawrence and the Jags. That isn’t out of the question this week, but he is my favorite comeback in Chargers stacks and can help push the pace of the game on his own with big runs. The Chargers are allowing the 5th-most yards per game on the ground this year and there is no way I can fade him in that situation.

It crossed my mind for a moment to play the Tay Train, but there is no way I can recommend him in good faith for tournaments. The ceiling does not exist. I’m going back to the fucking well on Miles Sanders. This is his curtain call. In lineups where I don’t play Hurts I will almost certainly play Sanders against one of the worst run defenses in the NFL. The Bears have allowed 160/game over their last 3.

Philly’s weakness on defense is against the run. I hate playing Frankenstein Montgomery because he looks so fucking slow, but I’ll be sprinkling him in as well. I fully expect Fields to leech every single ounce of value out of the ground game, but if he doesn’t, Montgomery should be great at only $6.3k. He has so little competition almost all of the running back touches are likely his. My answer when someone asks me what I’ve been doing in the bathroom for the past 15 minutes after Montgomery’s second TD:

I’m already chomping at the fucking bit to play these Herbert stacks. I might have to put a limit on my DK account before I see some of the lineups because otherwise, it might get out of hand quickly. Herbert-Keenum-Williams is going to be my most owned stack, but I’ll likely end up with a couple Ekeler/Everett ones. I am trying to get as many pieces of this pass game as I can against the dogshit Titans pass defense.

For the Burrow stacks, we are going to need to monitor the Higgins injury news. No one gives a shit but that fucking 0 last week cost me a playoff spot in a season-long league. Please alert us next time he’s going to play 1 snap. If he plays, my favorite stack is obviously Burrow-Higgins-Chase with a Godwin/Evans comeback. I will likely mix in a few Boyd’s to make sure Taylor doesn’t pull the same shit he did last week.

I’ll have a combo of Hurts-AJB-Smith and single-stack Hurts’. When Hurts really hits his ceiling he does a lot of the scoring with his legs as well, which limits the potential upside of more than 1 receiver. The Bears are fucking abysmal, I’m jamming in as many Eagles as possible this week. Live look at me celebrating Hurts’ second rushing TD of the day:

A few other WRs I like this week:

• CeeDeez Nuts – The Jags D has become the inside of an outhouse toilet in the Buffalo Wild Wings parking lot.
• Chris Olave/Drake London – I want some exposure to this dome game in case it shoots out.
• DJ Moore – Just a little sprinkle against an ass crack Steelers D.
• Elijah Moore – The weather for this game might be dogshit, but he’s so cheap and should get enough volume to pay off.
• Zay Jones – I’m riding the train and Lawrence is one of the hottest QBs in the league right now.
• JuJu Smith-Schuster – The Chiefs have the highest total on the slate and the Texans are complete dog dick.

I’m going back to the fucking well on Evan Engram. I’m going to pretend like last week didn’t happen. I don’t care about point chasing. The other tight ends I like this week are Dulcich, Gronklin, and Everett. I may end up talking myself into Kelce by lock, but otherwise I’ll be breathing in the dustbin prices.

The Steelers’ defense is my favorite play on the slate. It’s still Sam Darnold, he isn’t on much of a different level than Baker. The other defenses I like this week are Detroit (ass crack weather and Zach Wilson-Milf Hunter narrative), New England (Derek Carb), and the Jets (Goff in the cold narrative).

It’s time for the week 15 Cash God Guarantee. It’s Big Mike Williams. This isn’t the first week and it won’t be the last. I’ve played him at almost every price this year and I definitely won’t miss the week where he is somehow only $6.3k. He dragged his dick on the turf for 6-116-1. I don’t see how he doesn’t at minimum repeat that performance against one of the worst pass defenses in the league. He was even on a somewhat limited snap count that I’d assume goes back to normal after a full week back. This feels like the lock of the year to me. Live look at my house when he scores his third of the day:

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Photo: Sean M. Haffey | Credit: Getty Images