I’m coming off one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had. DraftKings and/or Fantasy Labs owes me around $1.1 million for not allowing me to upload my set of lineups. I don’t know how else to say it.

I then was knocked out of all best ball tournaments on Monday Night while watching my Rodgers captain lineup gurgle its own dick. The run doesn’t end there. My two remaining season-long teams both have Hurts so I’m forced to unleash Dick Folds and Malik Willis.

All of that just means it’s time for variance to swing back in my favor this weekend.

There is some actual weather to navigate for this slate on Saturday.

One of the milder games wind-wise is Kansas City. Mahomes should have absolutely no problem hanging brain on the field against a team allowing the 4th-most total yards per game. This game has the highest total on the slate and the Seahawks actually have some semblance of an offense to be able to push games. The Chiefs’ team total is the highest on the slate by over 3 points. There is no fucking chance I’m not firing up Mahomes.

Geno Smith is gearing up to jizz on the KC logo on Sunday. Kansas City is in the bottom-third of pass yards against and the Seacocks are 10-point underdogs so the game script should be in his favor all game. Geno is my favorite QB play on the slate. At $5.8k you can fit almost anyone and I already mentioned that this is one of the best weather environments on the slate.

Playing QBs (maybe besides Wrinkled Penis Elbow) against the Vikings’ defense is a fucking printing press. There is nothing that deflates my dick faster than watching Danny Dimes play, but I have no choice this week but to play him. The Vikings are allowing 400 yards per game and somehow 430 in the past 3. This is clearly the best game on the slate, factoring in weather and spread. Brian Daboll describing Danny Dimes’ cock:

I’m just going to start off by saying I’m going back to the fucking well. Last week, the well gave me explosive, unrelenting diarrhea, but I’m ready to give it another chance. If we all think Houston is bad at run defense, Seattle is not far behind. They’re allowing over 160 per game and almost 190 in their last 3. This team is getting absolutely pounded on the ground. I’m hoping last week scared people off because at $5.7k he’s still very cheap in what should be an extremely favorable game script.

Miles Sanders had one of the worst games I’ve seen out of anyone this year. But once again, I’m gurgling down this well water like it’s the last few drops on earth. The Cowboys have a weakness on defense and it’s against the run, where they are in the bottom 10. The Jags just ran for over 190 on them last week, but I’m prepared to be extremely tilted when he loses it all for me in both DFS and season-long on the same day.

It’s December. That’s when Derrick Henry’s third leg comes out of the cave. Houston’s defense hasn’t improved and Ryan Tannehill just went down for the season. Malik Willis is seemingly unable to throw the ball so I assume the Titans will be running the ball 40-50 times. He already had 32-219-2 against the Texans earlier this season and I don’t know how or why we would expect anything different this Saturday. Live shot of Henry’s touchdown celebration after running in his third:

I will not have any Mahomes’ stacks that don’t have Kelce. When the Chiefs’ offense goes full dicks out it seems like you can pretty much play anyone and everyone. I will have Mahomes stacks with mostly Kelce and JuJu, but I will have as many pieces as I can and some lineups will have Pacheco/Mckinnon in the stack. The Chiefs have the highest total on the slate so there is no possible way to have too many.

The Seacocks stacks are still cheap despite Lockett breaking his finger. Geno-Metcalf-Goodwin will be my most common stack and I’ll use some of them in comebacks for my Chiefs stack. The easy comeback here is Kelce or Kelce and another Chief. There are some games in which the weather is similar to the rain/spray during a Buffalo Wild Wings toilet paint job so I’m not afraid to go a little more aggressive on game stacking.

The Giants have some of the worst wide receivers I’ve ever seen, but the Danny Dimes-Slayton-Isaiah Hodgins stack will be my best owned. I’ll have some pornstar Richie James in there as well. This is one of only two indoor games and I will not miss the chance to stack against this Vikings defense. It is historically bad. Daniel Jones walking into US Bank Stadium on Saturday:

A few other WRs I like this week:

• Justin Jefferson – He is on a historic streak of taking his dick out and dragging. This will continue this week and he is one of the best comebacks in the Danny Dimes stacks.
• CeeDeez Nuts/AJB mini stack – One of the only dome games and the third highest total on the slate.
• DJ Moore – Dan Campbell has that team playing so fucking hard, but the pass defense is still bad.
• Drake London – The weather in this game isn’t going to be horrible and the Riddler is feeding him like a goose at the local pond.
• A few dustballs I like are Noah Brown and Kadarius Toney.

At TE I will have an irresponsible amount of Travis Kelce. Maybe one of these weeks will be the week I play him during his eruption. I’ll also play Hockencock, Andrews, Okonkwo, and Dalton Schultz. I am sickened at the prices of those guys, but there aren’t many good cheap options this week.

Picking a defense was almost impossible this week. Between the weather games and some low totals, it was tough to decide. My favorite defense is Baltimore. The weather in that game will be good enough to throw and the Riddler is due for a pick 6 or two. A few other defenses I like are Kansas City, Dallas, Philly, and Washington. Big Cock Brock has looked good, but hasn’t faced pressure like the Commanders yet.

It’s time for the week 15 Cash God Guarantee. It’s Dalvin fucking Cook. They’re saying he lost a step, but he clearly still has top-end speed as we saw last week. The Giants have been absolutely dog-dick against the run this season and just allowed 192 last week. Dalvin has only hit the rushing boner twice this season, so he’s having a similar season to me. This game has the second-highest total on the slate and the Vikings are 4-point home favorites. The setup cannot get any better. Live look at me in the living room when he runs in his second of the first half:

If you like this content, please follow on Twitter and subscribe below.

-CashGod-

• Twitter

Photo: Getty Images