I was coming off one of my worst DFS Sundays of the season on Monday. I then sit back to watch the Colts-Chargers game with two season-long teams needing about 5 points out of Dick Folds to advance. I was relaxed. What Folds do? He proceeds to gurgle his own dick like it’s the last rod on earth. Even in the 4th quarter, I thought there was no way he wouldn’t get me the points needed. I was wrong. Luckily Dicker the kicker got enough points for one of my teams to advance.

The pendulum of variance is due to swing back in my favor this week. That’s how it works. Watching myself slip Dick Folds in when I could have played anyone else and won:

It’s NFC North week at QB.

I’ve said it several times this year, but I’m back in the fucking well, gurgling water like I was in the desert for three weeks. If Aaron Rodgers doesn’t do it this week it’s officially over. I don’t remember a time this season that a QB hasn’t taken their cock out against this Vikings defense. It’s a 2 horse race between the Vikings and Lions for most total yards allowed this season, but the Vikings are allowing the most pass yards and the Packers have the third-highest team total on the slate.

I’m going to Jared again. I already explained how fucking bad the Lions and Vikings’ defenses are, but the Bears are not far behind. Tank Commander Poles is endlessly beating his meat to these losses as they chase a high draft pick. The Bears D has allowed over 400 yards in the last 3 games and this is one of the friendliest DFS environments in the NFL at Ford Field. This is by far the best game on the slate and seems like a sure shootout. I will not be fading Jared Goff.

One thing Tank Commander Poles cannot control is how big of a dick imprint Fields leaves on the turf each game. This week,, that means the entire footlong. The Lions’ defense is allowing the most yards per game in the NFL and are coming off of a game where they allowed 570 to Carolina. There’s no way Campbell will want that to happen again but he might not have a choice with Fields coming to town. It’s time for Fields to break another slate. Fields walking on the shores of Lake Michigan to clear his head prior to the game Sunday:

I’m going back to the fucking well on Dalvin Cook. I had 100% last week and ended up paying the price with exploding diarrhea and a 10-point game from Cook. Green Bay is coming off of what might have been their best effort of the season against the run, but are still allowing over 100 per game in their past 3 and 140 at home this season. This is one of the best games on the slate with the second-highest total. I’m trying to get as many pieces as possible. Cook is finally going to whip cock.

No one has a tighter grip on anything (except maybe me on my dick each morning) than James Conner has on the Cardinals backfield. There is absolutely no competition and he now faces an Atlanta team that currently resembles a runaway freight train about to go off the rails on defense. They are allowing the 5th-most rushing yards in the NFL over the past 3 games and just let Baltimore sack drag the field to the tune of 184 on Christmas Eve.

I don’t see a much better play than Uncle Fourskin this week. He appears to have reclaimed the backfield from Gigachad White and gets one of the best matchups of the season this week. The Bucs are 3-point home favorites against a Panthers team in the bottom third of rushing yards allowed. Fourskin at $5.6k and under 5% ownership might be the lock of the slate. Live shot of me when Lenny hits the rushing boner in the first half:

The Rodgers stacks are simple. Rodgers-Watson-Lazard with a Jefferson comeback is my favorite assuming Watson plays. I’ll have others with Jones and Osborn mixed in but a shootout without Jefferson is unlikely. This game has the third-highest total on the slate and the weather in Green Bay looks mild.

I will have many naked Fields lineups, but if I do stack him it will be with Kmet only. In these Fields’ lineups, I won’t hesitate to play 2 Lions to try to get as many players in this game as possible. If Fields is healthy the Lions will have no way to slow him down unless Dan Campbell comes onto the Field himself. This game is the highest total on the slate by 4 points.

I won’t have a comeback in the Lions’ stacks other than Montgomery or maybe Kmet. Montgomery is projected to be unowned and if Fields isn’t the optimal QB it will mean that Montgomery took the dick tape off and let it loose. The best stack in this game is Goff-ASB-Chark with Montgomery on the comeback. Goff swimming in the pool pregame:

A few other WR I like this week are:

• Tyreek – projected under 10% ownership and always had the ability to break the slate, regardless of QB or matchup.
• Hopkins/London – both defenses are dog ass and this is a nice mini-stack.
• Godwin/Evans – the Panthers are horse dick and the Bucs need this win bad. These two could be fed.
• Jeudy/Sutton – the Broncos should be passing all game and maybe they will have some semblance of will after Hackjobb finally got fired.
• Brandon Aiyuk – this is one of my favorite one-off plays on the slate. Raiders allowing the 6th-most pass yards in the NFL.
• Zay Jones – Houston’s D is a crinkled cock at this point.

I’m disgusted at the prices of the tight ends I’m planning on playing this week. I’ll be playing mostly Kittle, Engram, Kmet and Gronklin. Gronklin’s price seems to be still factoring in Milf Hunter at QB but fortunately, Mike White survived and will play this week.

I fucked up so badly last week on defense. I convinced myself the Commanders’ pressure would shit on Big Cock Brock and I couldn’t have been more wrong. This week I’ll be playing Tampa (Darnold), the Commanders, Atlanta, the Jets (Saleh fuck ‘em narrative), and Arizona (JJ Watt’s last ride).

It’s time for the week 17 Cash God Guarantee. I need this one so fucking bad. It’s Travis Etienne this week. There isn’t a team within 10 yards of the Texans when it comes to rushing yards allowed per game. Trevor Lawrence has been one of the hottest QBs in the NFL over the past few weeks, but it’s time to give him a break and let Etienne drag dick on the grass. There isn’t a piece of sheet rock that will be able to contain my erection when he busts off a 70-yarder to cap off a 3 TD day late in the 4th quarter on Sunday. Me walking into the bank on Monday:

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