We are back. My golf mind is rested and I am ready to win back all that has been lost over the past months. This is actually a good field to start the year so no Viagra is needed for this one.
It’s time for the plays.
Almost no one had a more disappointing season last year than Collin Morikawa (Iron Man). He was nearly unplayable toward the end, but I kept playing him thinking he would break out of it. Narrator: He did not break out of it. With a fresh start and the lowest projected ownership of anyone in the $9k-$10k range, I will be slam firing his name. He will finally get back to form at a tournament where he has 3 straight top-10 finishes, including a T5 last year.
No one has brought their cock out to the extent that Papa Jon Rahm has at this event in the past 5 years. He hasn’t finished outside the top 5 but hasn’t quite won it (2 runner-ups). This is the year he finally wins it. He will likely be the highest-owned golfer on the slate but I have no problem playing him over the other guys in that price range ($10ks). He has the best odds to win the tournament and isn’t even the top-priced golfer in the field. Dial up Papa, we are ordering a large with extra meat.
I’m convinced Bigdicki had some lingering injuries down the stretch last year, which sets him up as one of the best buy-low golfers in the field this week. I don’t remember seeing him ever being priced this low ($8.1k). He is also projected as the lowest-owned golfers from $7k+ at 9%. He has been a bit up and down at this event but finished 4th in 2018 and 13th last year. There is no way I’m fading him this week.
There wasn’t a golfer playing much better in the final few tournaments last year than Max Homa. Unless the Barstools get the steam going it looks like he will be one of the lowest owned in the $8ks. He’s played this tournament twice, finishing T15 and T25, but finished last season with 2 top 5s in his last 5 tournaments. Spectators will be running in terror as he approaches the green with a 3-foot-long, snake-like object dragging behind his body. He’s going low this weekend.
In the $7ks I’m simply looking for the best course history, if possible. You aren’t going to find much better than Billy Horsecock at $7.9k. He’s played here 4 times in the past 5 years, finishing 23, 24, 25, and 11. He finished the year last year with 3 top 10s and a T13 in his final 5 tournaments so he was completely dicks out. I expect him to continue that momentum into 2023 and start out strong at a tournament that he is very familiar with.
It’s time for the fucking Power Hour. Seamus Power closed last year out strong with a win at the Butterfield Bermuda Championship, a T3, and a T5. He will likely be a bit higher owned than some of the other $7k dustballs, but he is a great play regardless. He finished T15 at this tournament last year. Live shot of Power hour spraying spectators after chipping in to move into the top 5 on Sunday:
Get to the fucking mailbox. The postman is coming. JT Poston is my favorite play in the $6k range that is as bad as I’ve ever seen it. He gurgled his own dick for a few missed cuts to end last season but somehow has a T11 at this event in 2020. That’s about all we can hope for. There aren’t many golfers in the field this week so I’ll likely only play Posten from the $6k range.
It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. It’s Will the fucking Thrill. Besides Bigdicki, you won’t find a golfer with lower ownership in the $8k-$10k range. This isn’t a major for Mr. Major lite, but that doesn’t mean he won’t get his dick hard for the first tournament of the year. The only concern is that he hasn’t played in a tournament since August. He will either be extremely rusty or be whipping his dick onto the greens. There is no in-between. Will the Thrill standing over his ball on the 18th green, about to putt for the win:
I’ll be back next week.
-CashGod-
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Photo: Kevin C. Cox | Credit: Getty Images
The Cash God 