I’d first like to say that it was great to hear some positive news regarding Damar Hamlin on Thursday/Friday and hopefully we continue to hear good things and we hope for the best in the coming days.

I don’t have much of a recap other than I had another -95% ROI day on Sunday. I didn’t end up with any Mike Evans and the Rodgers stacks were just as bad as I should have expected. It didn’t help that the Packers had a kick return TD and a pick 6. This time I’m serious. I’m not playing Rodgers ever again.

It’s time for the plays.

There is a bit to navigate with teams resting starters. I’m going to try to avoid those teams obviously, but some of the situations are a bit murky.

This is a horrific slate of games. Most of the game totals are in the low 40s. I will be slamming Viagra down because I will have a massive case of limp-dick if these totals are accurate. I can hardly type this, but it’s Red Rocket time. He has had some of the worst games you could ever imagine from a QB recently, but this Panthers D is reeling and just allowed Brady and Evans to break the slate. Carolina is allowing the most passing yards per game in the NFL over their past 3 (likely as a result of 411 last week) and couldn’t even stop the geezer Brady. At $4.8k inside a dome against a team that has nothing to play for; there truly isn’t a much better option on the slate given the playoff situations of some of the other top QBs.

I’ll likely consider playing Josh Allen if the Chiefs lose on Saturday. Otherwise, I’m going to play Big Cock Brock. His price is getting a bit high, but the Cardinals are a fucking dumpster fire and the Niners have the second-highest team total on a slate that there isn’t much to work with. The risk is that they get up big and he doesn’t need to do anything, but hopefully he is part of the early scoring.

I’m planning on 2 absolute dustballs and Dak at QB this weekend. The Commanders’ ability to keep pace with the Cowboys is my only worry in this game. Otherwise, the Cowboys have the 4th-highest team total on the slate and the Commanders have nothing to play for this week. I thought for a moment or two about playing the fucking Riddler against the Tampa Bay backups but came to the conclusion that I couldn’t subject myself to that and potentially ruin my Sunday with tilt.

It’s time to pound Zack Moss. Houston’s run defense hasn’t gotten any better and the Colts are starting Ehlinger again after Dick Folds got crinkled last week. I normally wouldn’t advocate playing a player in a game that has a 38 total with an incompetent QB and HC, but Moss can get there against this defense at $5.2k and 12% ownership.

I’m continuing a line of absolutely disgusting plays with the Tay Train. At this rate, I’ll be leaving dick(salary) on the table in my lineups. At $5.4k against a team allowing the 5th-most rushing yards in the NFL this season, potentially resting players (depending on the BAL-CIN result). I fucking hate playing these dustballs but I don’t know that we have a choice this week. I will likely convince myself to play some Cam Akers against a shit-tier Seahawks run defense as well.

One of my favorite plays on the slate is Alvin Kamara. The Panthers are surprisingly stout against the run but do have that Joe Mixon eruption game on their resume. I expect this game to have some sneaky shootout potential in the Superdome as the Panthers’ defense has seemingly somewhat mailed it in after that showing against Geezer Tom and the Bucs last week. Even if Kamara doesn’t get too much on the ground he will have plenty of work in the passing game. I’ll stack him with Red Dick Rocket or have him on his own. There is no passing up one of the highest ceilings on the slate at $6.6k. Live shot of me standing in front of the TV after Kamara runs his second of the day in:

Red Dick Rocket stacks are very clear this week. ROY candidate Chris Olave and Rashid Shaheed with a DJ Moore comeback. When you actually look at the WRs in this stack it isn’t as bad as you think when you imagine playing the Red Dick Rocket. This game somehow has the 4th-highest total on the slate at 42, but I’m giving it the edge over the non-dome games given how dogshit this slate is.

I’ll be stacking Big Cock Brock with Aiyuk with Dortch or Marquise Brown on the comeback. I don’t know how Dortch managed to turn 10 targets into only 10 yards last week, but we can’t expect that much of a dick gurgling to occur again this week. Dortch is one of the best plays on the slate at $3.8k.

The real thing that got me onto Dak was the stacks. CeeDeez Nuts and Gallup with a McLaurin comeback is a lot more appealing than Riddler-London-Zaccheaus-Gage. If anyone sees me playing a Riddler lineup on Sunday please call Draftkings and have them deactivate my account forever. You can have the crowns and the $0.34 dust that will remain in my account after this week. There is no fucking chance my pants will be able to contain the rocket when Lamb catches his 3rd TD of the game.

A few other WR I like this week are:

• Ja’Marr Chase – This is a must win game and Burrow is cooking. I thought about Burrow but it’s good to have exposure via Chase.
• Diggs – I may play Allen if the Chiefs lose on Saturday, but either way Diggs is a dicks out play.
• Garrett Wilson/Tyreek Hill mini stack – Wilson is finally not chalk. Which means it’s time.
• Drake London – The Bucs are the crypt keeper on defense and should be pulling starters early in the game.
• Courtland Sutton – Brussell showed me something last game after they fired Hackkjob.
• Pittman Jr – The Texans are truly horrific.
• K.J. Osborn – I assume many of the starters will get pulled at some point (especially given the state of the offensive line), but Osborn might get a little more run than any of the others against a horrific Bears defense.

At TE I will be playing an irresponsible amount of George Kittle. There will be no salary constraints this week with the QBs and RBs I plan on playing. A few other TEs I like this week are Mark Andrews (at some point he and Huntley will get going), Juwan Johnson in Dalton stacks, and Tyler Gronklin now that Flaccid is back. I would assume this is the last start of Flaccid’s career. It’s time for a curtain call.

Colts D at 2% against Houston? Not much more needs to be said. Can anyone tell me who is playing QB for the Texans? I do not know if it’s Driskel or Mills half the time. A few other defenses I like this week are the Seacocks (playoffs on the line at home against Baker), Patriots, and Ravens.

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. This week it’s CMC. I hate doing this, but this week I had no fucking choice. This was one of the worst slates of the season and CMC is by far the best player on the slate. I will likely be clicking the lock button. What could go wrong? The Niners have the second-highest team total on the slate and CMC engulfs touches like a mouth at a glory hole. After I patch up the rocket-shaped hole from a few early Zack Moss touchdowns I will have a new one that challenges the structural integrity of my building when CMC double boners with multiple TDs in the afternoon.

If you like this content, please follow on Twitter and subscribe below.

-CashGod-

• Twitter