DraftKings had a few options this weekend, but they didn’t make it a 6-game slate, or even a 5-game Saturday-Sunday slate. The good news with that is that we have more shots on goal. The bad news is that I *could* be losing 3 times as much money this weekend. Or maybe I take my dick out and win all 3 milly makers. We will see. Each of those possibilities seem to have equal likelihood of occurring.

Onto the plays.

At one point late in the season, the Vikings were allowing 400 yards per game. The defense has stiffened a bit, but that’s likely due to closing the season against the limp-dick Rodgers-led Packers and Nathan fucking Peterman. Make no mistake, this defense is still horrific. I’ll be playing Danny Dimes and the Giants’ pass-game stacks.

It may take a quarter and a 14-point deficit for Cousins to get *that* look in his eye, but once he does, it’s over. The Vikings have the second-highest team total on the slate and are slight home favorites in a matchup that Cousins already faced 3 weeks ago. The only concern here for the Noon Nightmare (Cousins) is that this game is being played at 4:30pm on Sunday, but I still have no doubt Kirk will get that fucking look.

I won’t be overthinking this slate. Vikings-Giants has the highest total by 5 points and it’s the only game with a spread under a touchdown. We will know fairly early on if Kirk has the look, but I see nothing wrong with playing only Dimes and Kirk. Fitting the Allen stacks is like the impossible task of trying to keep up cleaning the buffet bathroom while the patrons lay paint job after paint job in the third stall. We can get access to that game in other ways.

The running backs are tough this week. I’m ready to admit that Dalvin Cook is impossible to play, especially at $7.1k and a mid-30s ownership projection.

My favorite running back on the slate is Saquon. Last game against the Vikings, Daniel Jones fed him like a goose at the local pond. He ended with 10 targets and I expect something similar this week in the rematch. He’s projected to be lower owned than the next 3 (Cook, Mixon, and Jeff Wilson Jr.) in the best game on the slate. There’s no fading him and I’ll likely click the fucking lock button.

I’m guzzling the Jeff Wilson chalk. His role combined with Skylar Thompson being dog ass is enough to pay off that minimal $5.4k price. He should get enough targets alone to get there. There is no fucking way they are winning this game, but he’s great value and should get enough touches.

The only other running back I’ll play is James Cook. It seems to be an even split in the Buffalo backfield. They are almost 2 touchdown home favorites against a Dolphins team that is completely fucked. The only way Cook isn’t optimal is if the Bills go full cock swing and just keep throwing, which is definitely possible. At $4.8k it won’t take much for him to get there and I’d rather play him than Mixon, the other Cook, or any of the dustballs. Live shot of me when Cook runs his second of the day in:

At WR I’ll just be stacking the Vikings-Giants game as much as possible. There is absolutely nothing wrong with playing 5 or 6 players from this game. I will have every possible combination of Giants WR and Barkley. We all remember Isaiah Hodgins removing the giant basilisk from his shorts last time against the Vikings and I’m here to say nothing is stopping him from doing that again this weekend.

On the Vikings side, I hate playing a 55%+ WR, but Jefferson is too good to fade. Thielen comes out of hiding in big moments. This could be his last season in Minnesota and he will surely want to leave his dick imprint on the turf at US Bank Stadium. I will be heavy on him despite his inability to get separation and extreme touchdown reliance. Jefferson can still go dicks out without scoring so it’s a perfect combo. It’s time for Adam’s curtain call.

A few of the one-off WRs I like in the other games are:

• Tyreek – He’s going to be the lowest owned of the top tier because of how inept the Dolphins’ offense is with Thompson, but they will force-feed him the ball and he’s good enough to have an eruption game.
• Gabe Davis – Somehow the geezer John fucking Brown caught a long TD last week. I assume he took this personally (I know I would) and will be looking to prove that he isn’t worse than a guy who we haven’t heard from in multiple seasons.

I’m doing an almost complete fade on the Cincy-BAL game. Baltimore has no chance of keeping pace if they play a full-speed game so this game is going to be an absolute grind with no fantasy value. Somehow Burrow is projected to be the highest-owned QB.

There is no time to be spent on defense for these small slates. I’m going to play whatever fits once my lineup is done, but likely trying to fade chalk Bills when possible.

Here’s a short skit depicting me chasing down the leader to win the Milly Maker late on Sunday afternoon.

I’ll be back next week for the Divisional Round if my bank will allow any more deposits after this week.

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-CashGod-

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Photo: Adam Hunger, AP