I was a Troy Merritt implosion away from another 6/6 last week. I’m not sure what the fuck happened to him, but course history failed me in that instance and I was left with a single-entry lineup fighting for its fucking life to min-cash.

The field this week looks stacked. I begin the week with a tradition unlike any other. The ceremonial clicking of the exclude button on Rory for the first time this year. There is nothing quite like that feeling. What a thrill.

There’s no fading Scheffler this week. Last year, this was the tournament that really brought his erection to full force, and began his run of 4 wins in 6 events. Ownership should be spread amongst the top, and we know we won’t have to worry about Rory winning it so it’s likely between Papa Jon and Scheffler. For $700 less Scheffler becomes an easy choice for me.

Tom Kim at the bottom of the $9k range? There is a 100% chance I’m going to need a new pair of pants when my fucking cock splits them at the seams after he finishes top 5 again. Outside of a missed cut at the Sony Open in Hawaii, he’s finished top 10 in both events this year and is the best value in the $9ks. The only concern is that he hasn’t played in this event before, but that hasn’t really been an issue for him. Live shot of me as he sinks a birdie on 18 on Sunday:

If you think I’m not playing Tommy Fleetwood at $8.1k… think again. It seems impossible that he hasn’t won a PGA Tour event throughout his entire career. Maybe this is the week his dick creeps out? This will be his first event of the year. He’s coming off of a T4 at the CJ Cup in October and a 20th-place finish in the Hero World Challenge in November. He hasn’t played at this event, but I expect a good showing for one of the best values on the entire slate.

The $8ks is finally a strong range for the first time this year. Another play I like is Sahith Theegala. I thought his ownership would be a little higher but he’s projected at around 10%. He had a bit of a self-sack gurgling at The American Express, finishing T54, but bounced back at the Farmers Insurance Open with a T4. He laid his balls on the table to the tune of a T3 last year in his first WM Tournament and should do the same this year. I still don’t have an answer for what the fuck this noise was:

I’ll be playing mostly 2 golfers in the $7k range. The first one is J.T. Poston. It’s time for the fucking postman to deliver. I thought about Maverick, but his shoulder is likely fucked and I cannot handle another WD. I will not subject myself to that again this year. Poston has started off this year hot with 2 T21s and then a T6 at The American Express at his last tournament. He also has a strong course history here with a T23, T11, T37, and T26. There isn’t much more expected out of him for $7.3k.

It’s Horsecock time. Billy Horsecock is the other golfer I’ll be playing in this range at $7.8k. He leeched his own dick into his mouth at the Sony Open in Hawaii a few weeks ago, but he’s a completely different player at this tournament. He’s finished in the top 10 2 of the last 3 years and hasn’t missed a cut in the last 5. I will be taking out my own horse cock when he chips in for another top 10 on Sunday afternoon. Live look at Horschel after his final round:

I’ll be taking one shot at a $6k scrub this week and it’s back to the fucking well. It’s Patton “Jizzer” Kizzire. I’ll have to ignore his abysmal performance at the Farmers Insurance Open, but he’s had a respectable start to the year with a T11 at The American Express in early January. At $6.6k and 1% ownership, I’ll be sprinkling him in.

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. This is an egregious price. This week it’s Shane the fucking brain Lowry. I don’t know who said it was ok for him to be $8.2k, but that’s way too low even with this being his first event of the year. He’s projected under 8% ownership so maybe others know what I don’t but I’ll be getting the last laugh when he drags his cock on the greens and wins the tournament. He’s only played this event 1 time in the past 5 years and made the cut. His last event was in December so if he comes out without any rust this is clearly the play of the slate. I’ll be balls deep. Me asking the cleaners on Monday about a stain on my living room rug:

I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

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