I had my 3rd 6/6 single entry on the year last week. I ended up with Lowry, Pendick, Vegas, Jaegerbombs, S. Kim, and Hicock. I got lucky and dodged the Denny dick gurgling because I couldn’t fit him in with Pendick and Lowry, but liked him as a play going into the tournament. Kim had a fucking abysmal round 2 and finished with a +1 final round to cap my profit.

It’s time for one of the best early-season tournaments of the year. I will be gurgling down Arnold Palmers all fucking weekend in honor.

There is absolutely nothing that rivals the satisfaction of clicking the exclude button on Rory. I know I say it every week, but it is the best part of the process for me. I will fade his chalky ass every fucking time. My internet even feels faster once I do it.

I’ve heard rumblings that they are calling it “The Year of Rahm” and I’m starting to believe that. That price tag is obscene (11.5k), but I’m not playing Rory and it’s only $600 more than Scheffler so it feels as if I have no choice but to play Papa Jon. There’s no other way to say this. He’s been dragging dick like I’ve never seen so far this year. He’s won 3 times and hasn’t finished outside the top 8. If you’re not playing him this week you are likely playing for second place. When he taps in a birdie for the win on Sunday I’m dialing up Papa and ordering an extra large.

I watched enough of that Netflix documentary to know Justin Thomas is going to take his cock out this weekend. The only problem is that I don’t know that I’ll be able to fit him in the same lineup as Papa Jon. He’s coming off of a T20 last week at the Genesis Invitational, but already has a top-5 finish on the year at the WM Phoenix Open. My only concern is that this is his first time playing in this tournament, but his friend Spieth finished T4 in his debut in 2021 so I have no doubt he will start a dick-measuring contest.

I don’t know what it’s going to take for them to put some respect on Bigdicki’s name, but the disrespect is at an all-time high right now. He’s down to $8.2k and is essentially a free square in my lineups at a projected 8% ownership. Having said that he’s playing like shit so he probably deserves to be where he’s at. That will not stop me from playing him this week. He’s finished in the top 20 in the last two years at this event and still has a T9 on his resume this year. I’m playing Bigdicki unless more negative news about his neck comes out. I saw a report that he was dealing with neck pain while swinging the driver.

Tom Kim has also had somewhat of a fall from grace, but I’m going back to the fucking well. The water in the well completely dick-blasted me (T50, T45) and I was stuck on the toilet for a week straight, but I’m ready for another glass. He’s projected under 10% ownership and at $8.4k is great value. I’m playing Papa Jon so I’ll need to go heavier on the $8k range. Kim staring down Rory as he watches him walks off the green after a missed putt on Sunday:

I like several players in the $7ks and after building a few lineups I’m realizing they are going to be necessary with Papa Jon gurgling so much fucking salary.

The first is Christiaan Bezuidenhout. It’s difficult to tell what we will get from this guy given his up-and-down year so far, but I can assure you he knows how to play at Bay Hill. His past 3 finishes here have been T20, T7, and T18. That is enough for me at $7.1k. I thought about Pendick round 2, but Bezuidenhout has a better course history and lower ownership projection.

This next one is a complete fucking lock. This is Gary Woodcock’s backyard and he’s rounding into form just in time (T9 at The Genesis Invitational last week). He may be from Kansas, but now lives in Florida and loves playing there. He finished T5 last year and I expect the same or better out of him this year. The only thing that may stop him is the weight of his fucking sack while he swings.

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. This week it’s Matthew Fitzmagic. At one point last year, this guy was removing his garden hose from his pants on a weekly basis. He hasn’t had a great start this year and has missed the cut in 2 of the past 3 weeks. The only thing that will do is (hopefully) keep his ownership low. He hasn’t finished worse than top 10 at this tournament in the past 4 years, including a runner-up finish in 2019. At $8.8k, I don’t see a better play on the slate. I’m all in this week hoping he has finally shaken his injury.

I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

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Photo Creator: BEN STANSALL | Credit: AFP via Getty Images