Last week was a complete abomination. Here I was whipping my dick out and swinging it around after I see Rahm’s first round. Little did I know he would proceed to shit bricks for the rest of the tourney. My lineup was already dead when Byeong An withdrew with what they are describing as a dick laceration, but the final nails in the coffin were Woodcock and Bezuidenhout missing the cut. This is a live look at me watching Rory climb the leaderboard this past Sunday:

It looks like we have a milly maker this week and there is no chance that contest is running without me.

This Rahm price is getting out of hand and this top range is very difficult for me this week because of that. I almost forgot… I broke my fucking keyboard clicking the exclude button on Rory this week. I likely won’t be heavy on the top-end guys, but if I’m going to play someone in the $10k+ it will be Xander Schauffele. Rahm is too much, Scheffler is chalk and there is not a fucking chance I’m playing Rory. Process of elimination.

I am gurgling the Justin Thomas chalk like it’s the last source of food on earth. He has the 6th-best odds to win the tournament and has a respectable course history at this event, unlike some of the others around him. He and Rahm are the only two of the top 10 priced golfers that haven’t missed a cut here in the past 5 years. Thomas also won here in 2021. I am going to be stroking my fucking dick all day Sunday when Thomas sinks putt after putt, birdie after birdie.

I’m going low in the $8ks. I’m playing Shane the fucking brain Lowry again this week. When I start playing the hits I can’t stop. At $8.2k and an 11% ownership projection, I don’t see a better play in this range, much less in the entire field. He’s played well in plenty of strong fields and this is one of the strongest fields of the year. He gurgled his own cock last week at the API but finished T5 at the Honda Classic and T14 at The Genesis Invitational in the two weeks prior. I’m balls deep.

I’m sucking down the fucking well water. I guess it’s the week of the well once again. It’s Tom Kim time. He’s never played in this tournament before, but that hasn’t stopped him yet in his career. He’s made four straight cuts and has 3 top 10s so far in 2023. There is no way I’m fading him this week. I can’t tell you how badly I want to go back to the Bigdicki well, but I can’t get the image of them stretching his neck out of my fucking head. So I will go lower in price to Kim.

I said it above but I’ll say it again. I’m playing the fucking hits this week. Tommy Fleetwood is the next name I’ve circled. I look at course history heavily and there are some absolute fucking disasters out there, but Fleetwood’s is fairly clean. He has 2 top 10s in the past 5 years at this event and finished T22 last year. Only one self-sack gurgling in 2021 where he finished T83. At $7.9k and under 9% ownership he is a must play.

I debated this second $7k guy quite a bit but settled on Si Woo Kim. There was a brief moment that Big Dick Rickie Fowler crossed my mind, but I quickly remembered the two-inch (coincidentally around 1/10th of the length of my penis) putt he missed a few years ago. I vowed to never play him again at that moment. Si Woo Kim has a bit higher ownership percentage than I’d like for a guy in the $7ks, but I’m not going to let that talk me out of a great play. Kim WD last year, but won this event in 2017 and has another top 10 in 2021. Checking in on my Si Woo Kim lineups on Sunday afternoon:

Gas up the fucking jet. We are going to Vegas. I won’t be playing much from the $6k range, but the only name that stands out to me in the dustball range is Jhonattan Vegas. He missed the cut last year but has made it in 3 of the past 5 years at this event, including a 3rd place finish in 2020. That’s enough for me at $6.8k.

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. Of all the non-major tournaments, this might be the biggest and there is someone named Will the fucking thrill laying in the weeds. Everyone seems to be forgetting about Will Zalatoris because of a bit of a slow start or his injury. This is the perfect setup for him. He’s played here twice, finishing T26 and T21. The other big tournament so far this year was at Riviera, where he finished 4th. Zalatoris lets his dick hang a little extra for these big events and this week is no exception. Live shot of me and my TV when Zalatoris sinks a 15 footer for the win on Sunday:

I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

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