The best time of the year has rolled around once again. There is almost nothing, besides maybe week one of the NFL, that brings me to full mast quicker than the NCAA tournament. The single-elimination gauntlet. My bracket was all-time bad last year. I don’t know what the fuck happened, but it was in the 3rd percentile. That won’t be happening again this year.

I make a lot of Buffalo Wild Wings exploding diahrrea toilet jokes but there is no chance I won’t be gurgling down about 50 wings this weekend.

I’m going to go team by team through the entire field and put a Cash God bracket out into the public square. Here’s the bracket first:

The 1 Seeds

Houston

I had this team going absolutely balls deep last year and I won’t be doing anything different this year. Outside of a completely abysmal loss against Temple and a loss in the conference championship to Memphis this team has been dicks out all year. They’ve been an almost wire-to-wire Kenpom number 1 team ranking 11th and 4th in offensive and defensive efficiency, respectively. I don’t see a reason why this team won’t be playing in front of a home crowd in Houston on April 1st. The only team that has a chance to stop that from happening is Texas, if they can get there. I have them going to the Final Four.

Alabama

This team launches 3s, which is nothing new from Nate Oats. They’re 4th in the nation in attempts this year and their leading scorer, Brandon Miller, shoots 40%. If they start helicopter dicking from 3 they will be almost impossible to beat. They have the 3rd most efficient defense in the country and a superstar in Miller to carry them. I have been burned by this team in multiple tournaments, but this is the year they finally make a fucking run. I don’t see a threat in their region until Arizona in the Elite 8. I have them going to the championship game.

Purdue

I’m going all in on the Big 10 slab narrative again this year. There’s a lot of debate about conferences looking worse because they beat themselves up, but that is not the case with the Big 10 this year. It’s a fucking terrible conference. Having said that, I think Purdue is the one good team in the conference. Zach Edey has a foot long python that drags behind him when he walks or dunks. He is borderline unstoppable and it doesn’t take much to get him rolling. Despite all of the praise, this will be the first 1 seed to go down and it will be round 2 against Memphis.

Kansas

Kansas is the lowest rated one seed, according to Kempom. They have a top 10 defense but got the doors blown off twice late-season against Texas, once in the Big 12 championship game. They’re lead by Jalen Wilson (20.1 ppg) and Gradey Dick (14.1 ppg). Dick has a great set of skills, is long and fairly girthy. This team will make it to the second weekend, but will lose to an improperly seeded UConn team in the Sweet 16.

The 2 Seeds

UCLA

Kenpom has UCLA as the second-best team in the nation with the top rated defense. That is likely before their best perimeter defender Jaylen Clark tore his Achilles. They are still a good team, but that obviously can’t be ignored. They are led by Jaime Jaquez Jr (17.3 ppg) and Tyger Campbell (13.6 ppg). This would’ve been a team I’d have likely penciled into the Final Four prior to the injuries, but now they may struggle earlier than expected. I have them losing to Gonzaga in the Sweet 16.

Texas

There has been a lot going on with this team this year, but they can play with anyone. They left an absolute fucking paint job on the court – one like you’d only see during the busiest rush hour in a Buffalo Wild Wings bathroom – to the tune of a 20-point win over Kansas in the Big 12 Championship. Sometimes, it’s a matter of who is playing the best at this time of the year and Texas is playing as well as anyone right now. They’re led by 10th-year senior Marcus Carr (15.9 ppg). It’s going to come down to Houston vs. Texas to play in their own state for the National Championship. I have them losing to Houston in the Elite 8. The only description I have for Marcus Carr’s pants snake:

Arizona

Last year I went full-blown Pac 12 dogshit narrative and am thinking about doing something similar this year. Arizona is led by Azuolas Tubelis (19.8 ppg and 9.3 rpg) along with 2 experienced guards (Ramey and Larsson). Tommy Lloyd took the Gonzaga blueprint and applied it at Arizona – their offense ranks 4th in the nation. They have no problem scoring with anyone and have some rim protection with Ballo. In order for this team to fully unleash their cocks they are going to need to beat a good Baylor team and catch Alabama on an off night. I have them losing to Bama in the Elite 8.

Marquette

This team came out of nowhere a bit for me and they beat a UConn team in the conference final that I thought was one of the best teams in the country. They are balanced, led by guard Kam Jones (15 pgg). They have a top 10 offense but are 47th in defensive efficiency. The defense will likely be what ends up dick blasting them in the end. I have them losing to USC in the second round.

The 3 Seeds

Gonzaga

Gonzaga has the top ranked offense for what feels like the 5th straight season, but the defense is horse cock. They are the only team in the top 10 that has a defense rated worse than 50th. Having said that this team feels like it’s peaking at the right time. They jizz stained the floor in Vegas with a resounding win over St. Mary’s in the conference championship game last week and head into the tournament on a 9 game win streak. We all know Drew Timme (20.9 ppg) at this point, but the key to their run is going to be dependent on sophomore guards Nolan Hickman and Hunter Sallis. I have them winning it all.

Baylor

Baylor is very similar to Gonzaga, except they have a much, much worse defense. Kenpom has them at 104, which is obscenely bad. That is dick-deflating level bad. They are coming off of 2 straight losses to Iowa State, including one in the Big 12 tournament. We can just chalk that up to a bad matchup. This offense can hang with anyone, but they won’t be able to stop Arizona in the Sweet 16.

Xavier

Coming into the season I don’t think many had Xavier as a 3 seed, but here we are. This team is one of the best offenses in the country and shoots almost 40% from 3 as a team. They are lead by guard Souley Boum (16.5 ppg), who shoots 42.5% from 3 and tends to leave an imprint of his cock on the court each time he plays. Like the rest of these 3 seeds, their weakness comes on defense, where they are 70th according to Kenpom. They will lose to Texas in the Sweet 16.

Kansas State

Kenpom has Kansas State as the worst 3 seed by a fairly wide margin (24th overall). K-State had a bit of a rough end to their season with back to back losses against West Virgina and TCU. They are lead by Keyonte Johnson (17.7 ppg) and Markquis Nowell (16.8 ppg) and don’t do anything particularly well. I have this team losing to Kentucky in round 2.

The 4 Seeds

UConn

I might put way too much weight into Kenpom but I’m stroking my dick to this rating. They are the 4th-best team in the country with the 6th-best offense and 18th-best defense. They lost a few games to teams like St. John’s and Seton Hall, which caused them to slip to a 4 seed, but I will not be overlooking this team. They shoot 35% from 3 and have 2 16-point scorers in Adama Sanogo and Jordan Hawkins. I have them making a balls deep run, but losing to Gonzaga in the Elite 8.

Tennessee

Here is another mismatch in seeding vs efficiency rating. Kenpom has this team as the 5th-best in the country with the second best defense. They lost 4 of their last 7 games, which obviously contributed to their seed. They can beat anyone, but just lost one of their top guards Zakai Zeigler to a torn ACL. I initially had them in the Final Four, but they’ll lose to Memphis in the Sweet 16 given that injury and their tendency to play down to some opponents.

Indiana

I already went over the Big 10 slab narrative spiel above, but it’s going into practice right here. I have no fucking idea how this team beat Purdue. Their leading scorer is forward Trayce Jackson-Davis (20.8 ppg) and they shoot 37% as a team from 3. I saw the Kent State team they are playing in the first round take Gonzaga to the wire earlier in the season in Spokane. They will not make it out of the first round.

Virginia

Take everything I’ve said so far about the Big 10 and multiply it by 10 and you’ll arrive at Virginia. There is a reason a Virginia team was able to lose to a 16 seed. They play such a fucking ass form of basketball and it allows them to be in close games when they shouldn’t be. They get a Furman team in the first round that shoots the 12th-most 3s per game. I expect them to lose when Furman gets hot from deep.

The 5 Seeds

St. Mary’s

I am very familiar with this team, having watched them play Gonzaga multiple times this year. They beat multiple of the ass shit tournament teams early in the season (Blow Job Roberts and Vermont), but also beat San Diego State and went down to the wire against Houston. I fucking hate the way they play, but it’s effective. They have a top 10 defense and play extremely slow. Aidan Mahaney has the ability to take his cock out of his shorts and carry them offensively, but the downfall for them will come at the hands of UConn in the Sweet 16.

San Diego State

The Aztecs don’t have a bad loss on their resume. Even the loss to New Mexico wasn’t THAT bad. They always rely heavily on their defense and this year is no different (10th in defensive efficiency per Kenpom). This team absolutely dick blasted my bracket last year by losing in the first round. I had them going to the fucking Elite 8. That will not be happening again. This time I have them losing to Furman in round 2.

Duke

This is one of my least favorite teams in all of sports. The only thing that makes my blood flow faster than seeing them lose is probably clicking the exclude button on Rory each week in PGA DFS. This is not a good Duke team though, they are 42nd in offensive efficiency and 24th in defensive efficiency. They aren’t the worst 5 seed in the field, but I don’t see them beating Blow Job Commander Roberts in round 1. Coach K preparing to watch team Blow Job beat his former team:

Miami

The Hurricanes are getting absolutely 0 respect and probably for good reason. They are sitting with the bots in their defensive efficiency ratings (132). They shoot 37% from 3 as a team and have an experienced guard in Isaiah Dong, but otherwise this team is clearly on upset alert against the fucking geezers of Drake. I have them winning the first round but losing to Kent State in Round 2.

The 6 Seeds

Creighton

At one point this team was in the top 10, but then went on one of the worst losing streaks I’ve ever seen. As a tournament committee member I simply wouldn’t allow a team in the tournament after a home loss to fucking Nebraska, but here we are. They rate out well on Kempom (13th overall) and are led by 7’1″ 13″ Center Ryan CockBrenner, who averages 15.4 ppg. I have them losing in round 2 to Baylor.

Iowa St.

When they beat North Carolina in the first weeks of the season we were probably all thinking “holy fucking shit Iowa State might be dicks out this year”, but then they got the doors blown off at Iowa and we came back to reality. They are extremely good defensively (9th), but struggle on offense. They’re coming off of back to back wins against Baylor and a loss to Kansas in the Big 12 tournament. It’s always good to see a tournament team led by a senior guard (Jaren Holmes – 13.4ppg), but I don’t see them beating Xavier in round 2.

TCU

TCU is lead by junior guard Mike Miles Jr. (17.3 ppg) and survived the gauntlet of the Big 12, but they will face an immediate test in Nevada/ASU. They are able to beat anyone in the country, but struggle from 3 as a team, shooting only 30%. They should beat Nevada/ASU, but won’t be able to keep up with an offense as efficient as Gonzaga in round 2.

Kentucky

Here we go. We all thought this was one of the top 5 teams in the country coming into the season, but Oscar Tshiebwe had some sort of knee procedure done in the offseason and didn’t look the same. But yet, he’s begun the process of unveiling his dick over the past 5 games, averaging 20 and 14. They beat Tennessee twice this year and have experience, unlike previous Calipari teams. I’m drinking the fucking kool-aid I have them in the Final 4.

The 7 Seeds

Texas A&M

The Aggies turned it on towards the end of the season and are one of Alabama’s 5 losses. They will be a popular pick because of how balanced they are (30th in offensive efficiency and 37th in defensive efficiency). I’m not entirely sure how they got a lower seed than Kentucky, but again I’m not on the committee. Their weakness is poor 3 point shooting at only 32.8% and they got a very tough draw due to their seed. They won’t make it past Texas in round 2.

Michigan State

I won’t be saying much on these Big 10 teams. I’ve discussed how dogshit the conference is this year. This is a Tom Izzo team in March, but they lost to Purdue twice and were eliminated from the Big 10 tournament by fucking Ohio State. I have them losing in round 1 to USC, easily.

Northwestern

Should I just copy paste? This team has some semblance of a chance, given they beat Purdue. They’re led by senior guard Boo Buie, who scores 17.1 ppg. Unfortunately, they got a very tough draw in Boise St. round 1 and will not win.

Missouri

They are still known for launching 3s. I vividly remember having them in the Final 4 that year they were upset by Norfolk State. This year appears to have a similar recipe. They shoot as many 3s as they can but refuse to play defense. They won’t make it paste Utah State in round 1.

The 8 Seeds

Memphis

Memphis is once again the most dangerous 8/9 seed in the field. They puashed Gonzaga limit last year and are coming into the tournament as one of the hottest teams in the field. KenDick Davis is 9th in the nation in scoring at 22.1 ppg and they rank in the top 35 in both offensive and defensive efficiency. Davis dragged his dick on the floor to the tune of 31 points in the conference championship win over Houston. I have them losing to Kentucky in the Elite 8. Tshiebwe’s paint presence will be too much.

Arkansas

Here is another dangerous 8 seed. Kenpom has them rated 20th in the nation with a top 16 defense. They are coming into the tournament on a bit of a free fall, losing 6 of their last 9 games, but all to tournament teams. I don’t see them making a deep run and have them losing to Kansas in round 2.

Maryland

I thought they were going to pass the Nebraska test, but I saw the jizz stain on their resume as soon as I pulled it up. They will rely on senior guard Jahmir Young (16.1ppg) and a balanced team (top 35 in both offensive and defensive efficiency). I am not folding like a fucking card table on my Big 10 slab narrative though and have them losing in round 1 to West Virginia.

Iowa

Each time I get to another Big 10 team I think it’ll be the last but there are somehow always still more. If you can imagine the opposite of full mast erection – the inverted dick – that’s what is going on right now. This Iowa team is no different than any other. Elite offense with one of the worst defenses you can possibly imagine. They will lose to Auburn in round 1. Live shot of me watching all of these Big 10 teams I picked against win in round 1:

The 9 Seeds

West Virginia

This team got the benefit of playing in the Big 12. Not often can you go 7-11 in your conference and make the tournament as a 9 seed. Kenpom has them 17th overall in adjusted efficiency, above 3 higher-seeded teams from their own conference. They don’t inspire much confidence despite their leading scorer (Erik Stevenson) shooting almost 40% from 3. I have them losing to Alabama in round 2.

Florida Atlantic

When I see a 30-win 9 seed I immediately get rock hard. I then looked at their first round opponent and my dick deflated like a popped balloon. I had a bit of an internal dialogue for about 5 minutes, but decided that I was sticking with Memphis. I won’t be upset if this team goes on a run. This is one of the best 3-point shooting teams in the country (37.2%) and on high volume (15th most). I would not be surprised if they went deep, especially in the Purdue region, but I have them losing to Memphis in round 1.

Auburn

Auburn has lost 7 of their last 10 games. That is not the best stat to have coming into the tournament, but they do have a late season win against Tennessee. They are another balanced team (48th in offensive efficiency and 29th in defensive efficiency) that can hang with anyone. They will not make it past Houston in round 2 though.

Illinois

Pour one out for Kofi Cockburn. One of my favorite players. The current Illinois team is led by senior guard Terrence Shannon Jr (17.1 ppg). This team struggles badly shooting the 3 (30.9%) and will be outmatched in round 1 against a good Arkansas defense. I have them losing in round 1.

The 10 Seeds

Utah State

This might be the most mis-seeded team if Kenpom is in any way accurate. Their adjusted efficiency margin ranking is 18th-best in the country and they have a top 15 offense. Their 2 quad-4 losses are likely what sealed their fate seed-wise, but this team can shoot the ball. Their leading scorer, Steven Ashworth, shoots 44% from 3 and they shoot 39% as a team. If they get hot they can beat anyone. They will unfortunately run into Arizona round 2 and lose.

Boise State

They have a few “what the fuck” losses on their schedule (i.e. South Dakota State), but they are very solid defensively and get a favorable Big 10 matchup in round 1. They don’t have the firepower or talent to go deep but they can win a game against Northwestern. They’ll lose round 2 to UCLA.

USC

This is one of my favorite teams in the tournament. Usually when a team has a star like Boogie Ellis (18 ppg and 39% from 3) the rest of the team is complete dogshit and the player is dragging the limp cock to the tournament by himself. That is not the case with USC. They are in the top 50 in both offensive and defensive efficiency. Boogie has the ability to take over any game and has something to prove (or at least he thinks it). I have them losing to Kentucky in the Sweet 16, but would not be surprised to see them make a longer run than that.

Penn State

This is one of the only Big 10 teams (besides Purdue) that has an inch of respect from me. I’ve said it a few times, but this time of year is all about who is playing well and there aren’t many teams hotter than Penn State. Despite finishing 10-10 in the conference they took Purdue to the finish line in a close loss for the Big 10 Championship. They shoot the 10th-most 3s in the country and shoot almost 39% as a team. That was a lot of praise to say they are going to lose in round 1 to Texas A&M.

The 11 Seeds

Nevada/ASU

Nevada is stumbling into the tournament with 3 straight losses, but Arizona State is only in the field because of a wild buzzer beater against Arizona. Arizona State shoots only 31% from 3 and will not be able to stop Jarod Lucas. I have Nevada winning this game, but losing in round 1 to TCU.

Providence

This is another team stumbling into the tournament with 3 straight losses, one to fucking Seton Hall. Their leading scorer, Bryce Hopkins (16.1 pgg), transferred from Kentucky last year after barely playing. I could see him dragging dick and taking out my Final 4 Kentucky team on the first day, but Providence’s defense is abysmal and they will struggle with Tshiebwe in the paint. I have them losing to Kentucky in round 1.

Pitt/Mississippi St

I cannot in good faith pick a team that shoots 26% from three. That is Mississippi State. I have no idea how they made the tournament with that stat line. Pittsburg has a fucking terrible defense but a top-25 offense. There is just no way they lose to this team, but I have them losing in round 1 to Iowa State.

NC State

They got the short end of the dick amongst the 11-seeds. They play a very good Creighton team in round 1. The ACC wasn’t good this year and this team lost 8 games, including 3 of their last 4. I don’t see them winning in round 1 against Creighton.

The 12 Seeds

Oral Roberts

No one is sleeping on Max Abmas and the Blow Job crew this time. Abmas is coming into the tournament averaging 22 ppg on almost 38% shooting from 3. They shoot 37% as a team and get one of the most favorable draws in round one, Duke. This will probably be a popular upset pick but I’ll be gurgling that chalk. I have them losing to Tennessee in round 2.

VCU

VCU has a few bad looking losses and really struggle on offense (140 AdjO). That isn’t the best recipe against a team that clamps down on defense (St. Mary’s) similar to how I clamp down on my dick for my morning fap. They will lose to St. Mary’s in round 1, despite everyone loving to pick the 12-5 upsets.

Drake

Speaking of popular upset picks, I’ve heard this one around 30 times this week and I almost want to pick against it for that reason alone. This is a team of fucking geezers. They would put Stentson Bennett to shame. Their starting lineup is an average age of 23.18. They shoot the 3 well at 37%, but I’ve heard too many upset picks here. I have them losing to Miami in round 1.

Charlston

These 30-win teams are almost always good, but Charlston is in the mid 70s in both offensive and defensive efficiency. They don’t really have a standout player and are very average as a whole. I have them losing to San Diego St in round 1.

The 13 Seeds

Kent St.

This team is no joke and they knew that when they scheduled Houston and Gonzaga as part of their nonconference slate. I’m not saying they are some lock to win and they did perform a bit of a self sack gurgling against Charleston, but they know how to play good teams close. They played both Houston and Gonzaga to the final minutes on the road. Combine that with an incredible draw against a Big 10 team (Indiana) and they’re cooking with fucking gas. I have them losing to Houston in the Sweet 16. Live shot of Kent St. showing the nation how good they are:

Iona

There are going to be some fucking wild upsets this year and I want to pick this team so bad, but they got one of the worst draws in the field against UConn. They are riding a 14-game win streak into the tournament and are coached by Rick Pitino, who appears to be on his way out. So this is either the last ride or he has mailed it in. We will see. I have them losing to UConn in round 1.

Furman

Led by senior guard Mike Bothwell, this team attempts the 12th-most 3s per game in the nation and gets an extremely favorable matchup against a very overrated Virginia team. They struggle a bit on defense, but are 33rd in offensive efficiency. If the line in this game is any indication (-5 Virginia), I’m not the only one thinking this. I have Furman making a run, but losing to Alabama in the Sweet 16.

Louisiana

I’m not sure if I’m a complete donkey or parity is at an all time high. Maybe both. Either way I was considering picking all 4 13-seeds, but backed off Louisiana because Tennessee is way too good. I have them losing in the first round.

The 14 Seeds

UC Santa Barbara

Coming into the tournament on a 7 game win streak, they have some momentum, but their leading scorer shoots 27% from 3 and they likely won’t be able to keep up with Baylor’s shooters. I have them losing in round 1.

Grand Canyon

The Lopes are lead by Rayshon Harrison, who averages 17.7 ppg. This team shoots 38% from 3 but struggles on defense. They will have a tall task slowing down the number one offense in the country. I have them losing in round 1 to Gonzaga.

Montana St.

RaeQuan Battle having the game of his life is about their only hope of beating Kansas State in round 1. The junior guard averages 17 ppg, but this team struggles on offense (170th) and doesn’t shoot well from 3. I have them losing to Kansas State.

Kennesaw St.

This team is by far the worst 14-seed, but they shoot almost 37% from 3. They are well into the 100s in both offensive and defensive efficiency ratings. I don’t see how they keep pace with Xavier. I have them losing in round 1.

The 15/16 Seeds

59. Princeton (Kenpom 112)

60. Vermont (Kenpom 113)

61. Colgate (Kenpom 114)

62. UNC Asheville (Kenpom 146)

63. Nothern Kentucky (Kenpom 161)

64.Texas A&M Corpus Christi (Kenpom 170)

65. Howard (Kenpom 215)

66. Southeast Missouri St. (Kenpom 257)

67. Texas Southern (Kenpom 285)

68. Fairleigh Dickinson (Kenpom 312)

Efficiency ratings all per Kenpom.com.

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