By now we have all heard the news and seen all the takes. The only rational take is that the PGA tour players got completely robbed and Jay Monahan folded like a card table. You almost feel bad for Rory. Almost.
It doesn’t really matter what happened. The one thing that matters is that we now have a permanent return of Jason fucking Cockrack. To say he will be playing motivated is an understatement. Look at Koepka. Now imagine a fired up Jason Cockrack. That’s a scary thought.
We begin each week with the ceremony. The excluding of Rory. This is one of those weeks where you’ll look back at this decision and thank yourself when he goes full bust at 30% ownership. Having said that this is a fucking terrible field and he’s definitely the most talented golfer here by a large margin. That hasn’t stopped him from gurgling his own sack in the past and I can only imagine the thoughts running through his head about the events that took place this week. Click the button.
I’m not a huge fan of the price, but the only top tier golfer I’ll play this week is Sam Burns. He’s $1k less than chalk guzzler Rory and is only projected to be around 13% owned. Outside of two MC in May he’s been good this year with two top 10s and 3 top 20s. He has the upside to pay off this price especially in this ass shit field. I’m playing him for good leverage off of Rory.
In the $9ks it’s easy. Back to the fucking well. It’s Shane the fucking brain Lowry time once again. I initially thought that price might be a little high but then I saw the absolute sea of deflated cocks surrounding him and realized it was a great play this week. Outside of an abysmal showing at the Wells Fargo Championship he’s been largely good this year with 3 top 20s, including a T16 at the Masters and a T12 at the PGA Championship. The current field is much worse than either of those so I expect a good showing this weekend. Live shot of Rory when he sees Lowry absolute pipe his first drive:
Michael Kim started the year looking like the worst golfer in the world but he seems to have found something as of late. There is a deep rumor that he switched his evening whack routine to the morning before each event and it looks like that’s paying off. He’s made 8 of his last 10 cuts and has 2 top 10s in his last 3 events, including a T6 at Colonial in a good field. I’m riding the hot hand a bit with this one but at $8k it’s well worth it.
Similar to Michael Kim, Carson Young was absolute dogshit to start the year. He’s recently dialed it in and has become playable. He’s made 3 of his last 4 cuts and finished in the top 25 each time, including good finishes at Colonial (T21) and TPC Craig Ranch (T14). His ownership is a little scary for someone in the $7ks (9%), but I’m still fucking playing him. Live shot of me staring at Young’s +15 on Friday afternoon, wondering where it all went wrong:
It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. This week it’s Matt Fitzmagic. This was an easy pick for me. He had a dick gurgling ceremony at the PGA Championship, but outside of that he is fucking back. He has a T10 at the Masters, a win at RBC Heritage, and a T9 at the Memorial last week in a few of his recent events. At around 18% ownership he is one of the best plays on the slate considering the others around him. My arms and hands simply would not allow me to click Rory over him. This week Fitzmagic dick drags the course for another win. Live shot of me checking the DK app on Sunday afternoon:
Photo Creator: Julio Aguilar | Credit: Getty Images
The Cash God 