All things considered week 1 could have been a lot worse. Don’t get me wrong I got completely dick blasted by the slate, but I didn’t lose it all despite not having as much Tyreek as I needed and having nearly 100% Cooper.

There’s no beating around the bush here. Deshaun Watson is fucking terrible. One of his interceptions was clearly the worst throw anyone has ever seen. I was planning on playing him until the explosion but there will be no explosion, that much is clear. Live shot of my reaction to Cooper and Watson after the slate:

It’s time for the week 2 plays.

–Quarterbacks-

Last week felt an all-time low-scoring week until the Dolphins took off the tape. There are some BAD games on the slate this week, but my favorite situation of the week is Josh Allen at home against the Raiders priced under $8k. What the fuck is this world? He might end up being the highest-owned QB this week but it doesn’t matter. Diggs won’t be that highly owned and this game has the second-highest total on the slate behind KC-JAX.

I’m going back to the fucking well on Anthony Richardson. The price was too low last week and it still is this week. He threw the ball 37 times last week, which is absurd given what everyone thought coming into the season. The Texans are complete horsecock on defense so I expect an eruption. He ran the ball 10 times last game, which is a little on the high side, but not by much. This is definitely one of the worst games on the slate according to Vegas, but you never really know when the Texans are going to give up 40 points.

The Seacock’s defense appears to be just as bad as it was before. After giving up 30 to the fucking Rams they go to Detroit to play in what is known as the Coors Field of football stadiums. Last year this was the shootout of the year and I don’t expect anything different this year. I’ll be playing Geno at $5.9k, but wouldn’t blame anyone for going to Jared. This is likely the best game of the week. Live shot of me in the living room during the 4th quarter:

–Running backs–

Jahmyr Gibbs’ snap rate and usage was obscene. I could see coffee gurgler Dan Campbell having some “rookies don’t play” mindset or something similar. Montgomery scored, but Gibbs looked like one of the best players on the field. Having said all of that I’ll be playing Montgomery at $5.8k. This is the best game on the slate so I want to have as many pieces as possible. He played almost 80% of the snaps last week and now they are 5.5 home favorites against a dogshit defense.

I’m going back to the Gigachaad White well. If you want to see elite usage, look no further. He also played 80% of the snaps and received 17 carries. I’m not sure if the Vikings’ front 7 became elite overnight or if this was just a horrific game from White and the Bucs’ O line, but the time will come. You will not find a better price than this. I’m firing.

Green Bay was one of the bottom 5 rushing defenses in the NFL last year in YPA allowed. Bijan was absolutely dicks out when they gave him the ball last week. Alligator got a few too many snaps and touches for my liking, but it’s only a matter of time before they really let the basilisk loose with Bijan. I debated between James Cook and Bijan here, ending up on Bijan. I’ll likely have some of both. A look into my room as Bijan scores his 3rd of the day:

–Wide Receivers–

The Josh Allen stacks will all consist of Diggs. The others will be a mix of Gabe Davis, Kincaid, and James Cook with a Davante Adams comeback. I’d play some Jakobi Meyers as well but I’m assuming he won’t play. Buffalo should uncoil their cock this game so I expect the Raiders to be throwing almost all game.

I’m not sure if you want to call it suckering out, but holy shit that Pittman touchdown last week does not seem like something we can expect to happen often. He has to be one of the slowest wide receivers in the league. I cannot explain how he scored on that play. Either way I like either Richardson naked or Pittman skinny stacks with Nico Collins on the comeback. I’d also be fine with no comeback at all.

The stacks for the game of the week are Geno-DK-Lockett with a ASB comeback. I am going to have an absurd amount of ASB this week. I’ll also play Smith-Njigba and Josh Reynolds. This is going to be my most heavily played game by far and it doesn’t seem like the ownership projections agree. Live shot of me when this game hits:

A few other WRs I like this week:

• Calvin Ridley – It’s going to be hard to justify the price at some point, but this is one of the best spots he will be in all year.
• Courtland Sutton – This game is fucking terrible, but I want to slip him in a few in case Russ really gets cooking one of these games
• Zay Jones – I’m going to have some mini stacks in this game and he will be a major part of most if not all of them.
• Zay Flowers – He looks like one of the best rookies and the Ravens aren’t afraid to get him the ball.
• Darnell Mooney – I’m fairly sure the Bucs D is dogshit, but either way, I like Mooney’s upside at $4.4k.
• Kadarius Toney – He had the worst week possible, but he will be my most played Chief by a significant margin this week. It’s time for a bounce back.

–Tight Ends–

Draftkings is really fucking squeezing us with these tight end prices. It’s time to bring rib remover back out of the garage. One of my favorite plays this week is Darren Waller. The rest of my lineups will be made up of Luke Musgrave, Dalton Kincaid, and Adam Trautman.

–Defense–

I’ll just say it. I put on a masterclass last week with the Cardinals D. This week was a little tougher to choose. The only three that stand out to me are Green Bay, Tennessee, and Baltimore. None of them are projected to be mega chalk so it will likely come down to what fits the best with the rest of my lineups.

It’s time for the week 2 Cash God Guarantee. It’s Travis Etienne. KC-JAX is the highest total on the slate (51) and Etienne got 23 touches last week. At $6.9k and under 10% projected ownership it’ll be difficult to find a better play on the entire slate. I likely won’t be having any main stacks of this game but will have many lineups with Etienne-Toney mini stacks. It’s time for him to break the fucking slate. Live look at my dick after a full day of whacking it to the Etienne show:

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-CashGod-

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Photo Creator: Phelan M. Ebenhack | Credit: AP