Breece did not save my bank account, but he wasn’t the one that cost me. It was the fucking Kirk-Jefferson stacks. Somehow this game total went under and Jefferson getting hurt was the final glazing that ended my day.

I’m not making that same mistake again this week. Luckily, Kirk is $7.1k so I don’t even have to consider playing him.

It’s time for the plays.

This week looks fucking abysmal. There isn’t one game total over 50 and the two over 47 have touchdown or more spreads.

I thought a long time about playing Dobby against the Rams, and still might, but it’s Burrow time. I’m chasing points a bit, but it looks like he finally decided to lock onto Chase and ended up having his best week by far. Next up is Seattle, who have allowed the third most passing yards per game in the NFL, somehow more than Denver. This is one of the few games over 45 points total. This is one of my favorite games on the slate and Burrow is by far my favorite QB at under 10%.

The next two QBs make me sick, but I feel like I almost have no choice. I’m busting Sam Howell out of the garage. I thought this guy was complete dogshit, but he’s not that bad and the Commanders D has to be one of the worst in the league. They’ve allowed over 30 points in all games except one this year, forcing him into constant passing situations. Combine that with them playing this game inside the dome in Atlanta and I’m dicks out.

The last QB I have circled this week is Justin Fields. If we want to talk about a tape removal ceremony this is it. The Vikings defense is just as bad as it’s been in the last 3 years and they are even worse at Soldier Field on grass. There is no fucking way I’m missing the 40 bomb from Fields. He hasn’t gotten the rushing boner yet and somehow only has one rushing TD.

Running backs are a complete cesspool this week. It’s 33% Raheem Mostert week I see. I can’t imagine how that could go wrong.

My favorite running back this week is Bijan Robinson, by far. The Commanders are bottom 10 in rush yards against and, like I said above, have allowed over 30 points in every game except week 1. I think there is a chance this game could be a sneaky shootout if the Falcons offense doesn’t go full dog ass on us. Getting Bijan at $7.2k and under 10% ownership is all we can ask for.

The Jets are allowing the 4th-most rushing yards per game in the NFL and over 160 per game over their last 3. They are fucking off the rails. The Eagles are 6.5-point road favorites in a game they are projected to be ahead all game. I’m playing D’Andre Swift. It’s clear the Lions made the biggest mistake of all time taking Gibbs rather than just keeping Swift.

Alvin Kamara appears to be back to getting over 20 touches a game, which means his ceiling is about as high as anyone on the slate. I will gladly pivot to him for $400 more off of Mostert for half the ownership. This game could also be a fucking slog, but I’m relying on Kamara’s volume to get there. There’s a good chance he goes dicks out. When someone asks me to stop paint jobbing the walls every time Kamara scores:

The Burrow stacks are either Burrow-Chase skinny stacks or Burrow-Chase-Higgins as long as Higgins plays. This is one of my favorite games on the slate despite the 20%+ ownership projection on Chase. That price is way too low for the point chasing that is about to occur. I like Metcalf and Walker for comebacks.

I haven’t played McLaurin all year, but the time has come. My favorite Howell stacks are McLaurin-Samuel with a Bijan comeback, but I will likely have some Dotson and Drake London mixed in there as well. If the Falcons can’t push this game into the high 40s I’m going to be so fucked.

The Justin Fields stacks are going to be skinny with DJ Moore and nothing else. There are several comeback options with Jefferson out. I’m avoiding Osborn based on what I’ve seen so far this year (It’s been fucking bad) and going with Addison and Hockencock. Let’s get paid. What my phone sees when I’m vigorously refreshing my app after Addison’s second TD of the day:

A few other WRs I like this week:

• Josh Downs – Gardner feeds him like a goose at the local pond
• Cooper Kupp – anything under $10k.
• A.J. Brown/DeVonta Smith – Jets are missing their top 2 corners and if Sirianni isn’t stroking his shit to that news I don’t know what he’s doing.
• Adam Thielen – The Panthers are going to get fucking blasted so I assume Thielen gets another 15 targets when they are forced to throw the ball 50 times.

I don’t think I’ve gotten a TE right this year. If you don’t think Hockencock is going to be absolutely fed targets you don’t know how Kirk Cousins operates. I hate playing TEs at this price ($6.6k) but I have no choice with Jefferson out. The only others I’ll consider are Logan Thomas and Zach Ertz.

My favorite defense of the week is Houston. Derek Carb and the Saints have been sacked the 5th most times in the league. The other defenses I like are Detroit and Arizona. Gannon has that team playing so fucking hard.

It’s time for the week 5 Cash God Guarantee. This week it’s Kenneth Walker. The Bengals have been one of the worst rushing defenses in the league this year and Walker is coming into form at the right time. For just $300 more than a 30% Mostert I will be playing an irresponsible amount of Walker this week. He is a perfect comeback for the Burrow stacks and there is no fucking way I’m missing the week he breaks the slate. Live shot of my response to anyone asking me how many Walker lineups I submitted:

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