Last week was one of the all time best. Lamb scored the most points on the slate at 5% ownership. I was crotch chopping in the living room after the second TD and it only got better as the game went on.

This is around the point in the season where the slate just flows through me.

It’s time for the plays.

At quarterbacks there are a couple guys calling my name. First, the rookie, CJ Strokin my Stroud. He’s long overdue and faces one of the worst pass defenses in the league. The Bucs have allowed the 5th most passing yards this year and 299 per game over their last 3. This is going to be a week to remember for CJ.

It’s time for the fucking Gardner snake. This Colts-Panthers game is somehow one of the best totals on the slate. The Colts are playing at one of the fastest paces in the NFL. This is a cheap stack so you can play whatever the fuck you want with it. Gardner’s snake is about to spray his venom all over on Sunday, and so am I.

Hate the sin, love the fucking man. The third QB I like this week is Derek Carb. The Bears have allowed the third most passing yards in the league this year and the Superdome is one of the best DFS environments possible. I hate playing him, but I think this week it’s acceptable against the Bears because of how fucking bad that defense is.

My favorite running back this week is Jonathon Taylor. He gets the fourth worst rushing defense in the league and the Colts are 2.5 point road favorites. There is a one million percent chance my pants split at the crotch after he runs in his third of the day early in the fourth.

Speaking of splitting my pants how does a guy like Saquon even buy pants for himself? Between the quads and the girthy foot long I’m not sure. The Vegas run defense went completely off the rails in the last 2 weeks. McDicks is finally fired but I don’t think that’s going to save this team. I’m all in on the Saquon eruption.

The Riddler is finally gone so this Falcons offense finally has a chance to spread its wings. Who has a bigger cock than Bijan Robinsion? I’m hearing there isn’t one. He scored last week but hasn’t had a truly gigantic week. He gets a Vikings defense that is mourning the loss of Quarterback (Captain) Kirk Cousins still. Me being asked about Bijan:

The Stroking My Stroud stacks are simple. The best stack is Stroud-Dell-Collins with a Mike Evans comeback. I said it above, but I’ll say it again. The Bucs defense is one of the worst in the league against the pass and Stroud hasn’t had his signature slate breaking rookie of the year stamping performance yet. This week it happens.

The best stack in the Indy game is The Gardner Snake-Downs-Pittman with a Mankato Moss comeback. We are going back to the man we have trusted for so long, Adam Thielen. Thielen is clearly the best comeback option on the slate and the Colts have been known to allow some monster WR games this year.

There are unlimited stacks with Carr. Olave-Kamara, Olave-Shaheed, and Olave-Thomas are my favorite 3. I heard Carr dressed up as a superhero for Halloween. I’m realizing there is zero chance there isn’t a super hero sized hole in my pants when this stack hits.

The only TEs I’m playing this week are Hockencock, Schultz, Pitts, and maybe some Kmet. Pitts owes me the most money of any NFL player by far. Young QBs seem to absolutely fucking geese tight ends and I expect no different from Jalen Hall to Hockencock. He will be fed like the goose at the local pond.

My favorite defenses this week are the Commanders, the Rams, and Cardinals. Gannon has the Cardinals playing so fucking hard it’s inevitable.

It’s time for the week 9 Cash God Guarantee. It’s Chris Olave. The wheel will never be squeakier than it is right now and the Saints get one of the best matchups on the slate versus Chicago in the Superdome. I don’t know how it’s possible to fade this, but I’m still going to be tilted if it ends up as mega chalk. Live shot of me watching Olave break the fucking slate on Sunday: