I thought I’d stumbled upon the nuts last week when I saw the fucking Gardner snake running in a touchdown and Pittman going wild. The snake cooled down and somehow only ended with 15. My dick was creeping out of my pants, somehow only culminating in a min cash. What the fuck. I’m seeing the ball well at this point of the season. All it takes is one.

It’s Big Cock Brock Purdy week. This is the best game on the slate and the Eagles pass defense has been complete dogshit this year for whatever reason. Not only is this the highest total on the slate, but the Purdy stacks aren’t projected to be that highly owned. I’m all fucking in. I might deposit extra this week.

Jared Goff is projecting well… somehow. He’s also projected to be one of the lowest owned QBs on the slate. These games in the Superdome randomly get out of hand and I think this is the week it happens again. The Lion’s defense looked like complete dogshit against the Packers on Thanksgiving. Carr is ass, but at least he’s better than Jordan Love so they should be able to keep pace with Jared. I’m going to fucking Jared.

I’m just going to say it first. There’s no fucking way I’m touching Zach Moss this week at 48% no matter the price. That is way too high. Out of principle.

I’m gurgling the chalk on Jaylen Warren this week. The Cardinals have allowed the 3rd-most yards rushing per game and are allowing 175 per game over their last 3. They are completely fucked and he is well worth the 20% ownership.

The other running back I like this week is King Henry. He semi-dragged his sack last week, but this is the week he fully removes it from his shorts and drags it on the field. I don’t have any doubt. It’s now December, which is when he usually hits his stride. The Colts have allowed the 7th-most rushing yards in the league and show no signs of being able to stop the big dog.

The Purdy stacks get a bit difficult with the price of the WRs, but if you single stack one of the two (Aiyuk or Deebo) with Kittle it’s possible. Smith is easily the best comeback. The lineups get thinner than my cock if you try to jam AJB in there with that Purdy double stack. I’ll either do Smith or just single stack Purdy and Aiyuk. Either way it’s absolutely fucking dicks out.

The Goff stacks are simple, as always. Goff-ASB-Laporta potty with a Olave comeback (if he ends up playing). Otherwise Kamara is the obvious comeback with half of the Saints lineup being injured. The total of this game is the second highest on the slate, which is shocking in a Carr game. He is so fucking bad, but the Lions D just made Love look like Rodgers in Green Bay so anything is possible.

There is no fucking way Freirmuth slips past me this week. I cannot believe I didn’t consider the Canada firing more last week. What a fucking mistake. That will NOT be happening again this week. The other TEs I’m playing this week are Laporta, Logan Thomas, and Cade Otton.

This is a rough week for defense. My favorite is Detroit against fucking Carr. He’s always liabile for a pick 6. The other defenses I like are the Titans and Broncos. The Broncos could get fucking cooked by Stroking my Stroud, but they are in form as of late and have looked fucking nasty.

It’s time for the week 13 Cash God Guarantee. It’s Bijan Robinson. I’m back in the well gurgling the water like it’s the last sustenance on earth. If he doesn’t break the slate this week it’s not happening this year. Arthur Smith I’m begging you. The Jets have allowed the second most rushing yards in the NFL this year and Bijan is projected under 5% ownership. Again, I might need to deposit extra this week. Live shot of the living room when I hit another CGG: