Last week was nearly a legacy week. I’m going to skip what happened on Sunday. The Monday slate was where my cock started creeping out of my shorts. Zamir White had the game of his life and I was a Pacheco injury away from a full blown helicopter.

It’s time for week 17.

My favorite QB this week is Kyler Murray. This game has a 48 point total and the Cardinals will be down all game. The Eagles have one of the worst pass defenses in the NFL. As long as Murray clears his exploding diarrhea prior to this game I will be almost 100% on him this week. The stack is so simple. Murray-McBride skinny or I’ll throw Dortch/one of the running backs in a few. The comebacks are either of the Philly WR.

I’m slightly worried about the Niners against the dogshit Commanders defense but Purdy got exposed last week and will continue to be.

I’m gurgling the fucking chalk. Zamir White against the Colts is too good to pass up. The Colts have one of the worst rushing defenses in the league and just allowed 170 yards to Atlanta. I’m sucking the chalk down like it’s life water. I don’t often recommend eating it this bad, but at $5.1k and a feature back role against an ass crack defense what choice do we have?

The other running back I like this week is Kyren Williams. I’m not sure how that price got to where it is, but I’m hoping that sways some people to not play him. I’m fucking playing him though. He’s a near lock for mid-20s touches against a Giants defense that has allowed the 4th-most rushing yards in the NFL.

At TE I’ll be going almost exclusively McBride. The only other one I’ll consider is Okonkwo. The tight end pricing has gotten so fucking out of control. I’m not paying $4k for these random ass shit TEs that have a high chance of getting 3 points.

At defense, I’m fairly locked onto the Texans and the Chargers. The Chargers defense hit rock bottom against the Raiders when they gave up 62 or whatever the fuck it was. They get Stidcock and the Broncos, who have allowed the 6th-most sacks in the NFL this season.

It’s time for the week 17 Cash God Guarantee. This can’t be right but I’m seeing D’Andre Swift at around 11% projected ownership. The Cardinals overtook the Broncos in most rushing yards allowed – almost 150 per game. This might be the lock of the fucking year at $6.5k. He will be in every lineup I have, I can guarantee that at least. Live shot of me when he breaks the slate:

I’ll be back next week.

-TheCashGod