We have once again arrived at the best time of the year. It’s the most dicks out 2 weeks of gambling. I finished the NFL season in complete shambles and am making my comeback into golf. My bracket last year was complete dogshit. There is no chance that happens again this year. My legacy is on the line.

My bracket:

The 1 Seeds

UConn

It seems fucking impossible to repeat, but UConn is clearly the best team so they have a great chance to do it. They have the best offense in the country and a borderline top 10 defense. They don’t seem quite as unstoppable as last year. They cock blasted their way through the Big East tournament this year and haven’t lost since they got slapped by Creighton a month ago. I have them losing in the Elite 8.

Houston

Houston looked like easily the best team in the country until Iowa State sacked dragged the court in front of them in the Big 12 championship game. Their offensive efficiency rating went into the ass crack but they’re still the second best team led by L.J. Cryer and Jamal Shead. Maybe Iowa State is the only team that has them. I have them losing in the Final 4.

Purdue

We have arrived. Big Ten slab narrative and Matt Painter ass shit narrative all mold into one here. They’ve lost to a 16 seed, a 15 seed, and a 13 seed in the past 3 seasons and I saw toilet bowl Painter put Edey on the inbounds passer, allowing Wisconsin to tie the game and beat them in OT. I have no faith in this team at all. I don’t want or need to hear any of the numbers. I have them losing in round 1 and even if they don’t they will lose in the second round.

UNC

The only thing saving UNC from being the worst 1 seed in my mind is the presence of Purdue, but this has to be one of the weakest one seeds in years with 4 Quad 2 losses and a KenPom ranking of 9. RJ Davis scores 21.4 ppg and Armando Bacot returned for his 8th season of edibility. This will be the second one seed that loses after Purdue loses to the 16 again. I have them losing to Michigan St. in round 2.

Bowl Painter thinking about which toilet is next:

The 2 Seeds

Iowa State

There isn’t a team that got fucked over worse than Iowa State by the selection committee. To get put in the UConn/Auburn region and not even be the top 2 seed is absurd when they had a case to be a 1 seed. Despite the dick dragging we witnessed in the Big 12 Championship I don’t think the offense is good enough to quite get them to the final 4. I have them losing in the Elite 8 to Auburn.

Arizona

I can’t decide what to do with this Arizona team. They are ranked 6th in Kenpom adjusted efficiency and are very balanced, but lost so many random games. They have 4 Quad 2 losses so it feels like they could lose to anyone. They’re led by UNC transfer Caleb Love (18ppg) and Oumar Ballo (13ppg). I have them making a deep fucking run but losing in the championship.

Tennessee

Dalton Knecht is something to watch. The guy drags cock (21 ppg) on a nightly basis and is going to be a problem in every game. This team is elite on defense and good enough on offense to make a deep run. They’re ranked 3rd in the country in defensive efficiency so if a run happens that is exactly how. I have them losing in the Elite 8.

Marquette

I forget Shaka Smart coaches this team every time, but am reminded when I see him in a fucking stance in the middle of the court every game on the defensive end. I had to scroll down a bit on Kenpom to find them from the other 2 seeds. I want to pick this Western Kentucky team badly against them in round 1 but Marquette is too good to lose. I have them losing to NC State in the Sweet 16.

The 3 Seeds

Illinois

Pour one out for one of my all time favorite players, Kofi Cockburn. I don’t want to write anything about another Big 10 team, but this one has one of the worst defenses in the field at a 92 defensive efficiency ranking per Kenpom. The first bit of offense this team faces in the tournament (BYU) will hang brain on this team. I have them losing in the second round.

Creighton

This team wasn’t on my radar until I saw them absolutely dick drag against UConn. They rate extremely well on Kenpom, but I still don’t really understand how they blasted them that badly. They are led by the duo of Baylor Scheierman (18.4 ppg) and Trey Alexander (17.6 ppg). I have them losing to Tennessee in the Sweet 16.

Baylor

This Baylor team has problems on defense but they have one of the top offenses in the country, ranked 6th in Kenpom. They have the 9th best three point percentage in the country and are not afraid to stroke it. This team could easily make a run. I have them losing to Arizona in the Sweet 16.

Kentucky

Kentucky has one of the wildest range of outcomes of any team in the field. Their defense is so fucking bad they could lose to anyone but their offense and 3 point shooting makes it so they could beat anyone. They are by far the lowest 3 seed in Kenpom. I have them losing to one of the hottest teams in the country in round 2 (NC State).

The 4 Seeds

Auburn

This team is getting jacked off all over Twitter, but for good reason. They are top 10 in offensive and defensive efficiency. Usually you don’t see that in a 4 seed. Them going 3-7 in Quad 1 games was likely what ended up fucking their seed, but they also didn’t lose a Quad 2-4 game all season and were 7-1 in neutral site games. This team has the firepower to make a Final 4 run. I have them losing in the final 4 to Arizona.

Duke

As always, this is one of the softest, saddest teams in the field. Filipkowski somehow survived the scare he had during the Wake Forest court storming where it was thought they’d have to remove his leg in the locker room. There is no more insufferable team than Duke and the ACC has joined the slab narrative with the Big 10 for me. It was a fucking dog ass conference this year. I have Duke losing in round 1 to Vermont.

Alabama

Every since Nate Oates took over at Alabama they have been amongst the top 3 point shooting teams (by attempts) every season. This year is no different as they shoot the second most in the country. This usually results in somewhat of a live and die by the 3 type situation. This team is a lot like Kentucky with how bad their defense is (in the 100s on Kenpom), but if their offense gets cooking they can beat anyone. I have them losing to St. Mary’s in the second round.

Kansas

I’m not quite sure how Kansas got a 4 seed but they did. They are by far the lowest ranked 4-seed and Kevin McCullar was just ruled out for the entire tournament. They are going to face an immediate test, but I have then losing in the second round to Gonzaga.

Live shot of Filipowski after losing to Vermont:

The 5 Seeds

Gonzaga

This was also a bit of a suprising seed and in one of the more favorable regions. They started out slow but have been one of the top teams in the country offensively over the last couple months of the season, including a dick dragging against Kentucky in February. They have had multiple games this season where they’ve made 3 or less 3s in the entire game. If this team makes 3s they are going to be hard to stop. I have them winning it all.

Wisconsin

Big 10 slab narrative. I respected the run that they went on in the Big 10 Tournament, but that was about it. I cannot pick Big 10 teams. They also get an unfortunate matchup with a team that loves to launch 3s (top 10 in attempts per game). I have them losing in round 1.

St. Mary’s

This team is extremely skilled with the WCC Player of the year Augustas Marciulionis, but play so fucking slow. They are one of the least fun teams to watch. They started the year getting blasted in their first 8 games but really turned it around and became one of the best teams in the country. I have them losing to Michigan St. in the Elite 8.

San Diego State

We won’t forget the magical run last year but that won’t be happening again this year. This team is not much different in the sense that they really whip their cock out on defense, but variance can end up getting you when you’re in so many grind it out type games. I have them losing in the first round to UAB.

The 6 Seeds

BYU

BYU was in the top 10 of efficiency metrics for a good portion of the year then got fucking blasted a few times and are now down in the 15s. They have 6 Quad 1 wins and only have 2 losses outside of Quad 1 games. I have them losing to Iowa State in the Sweet 16.

Texas Tech

Gone are the days of the stifling Texas Tech defense. This team is fairly balanced and is led by Pop Isaacs (15.9 ppg). There isn’t much about this team that excites me and I have them losing to the red-hot NC State Wolfpack in round 1.

Clemson

I had to scroll way down to find Clemson on Kenpom, but there they are at 36. They are somehow not the lowest 6 seed. The ACC is fucking dogshit and this team is liable to lose any game. They went 5-5 in Quad 2 games and have a Quad 3 loss on their resume. I have them losing in round 2 to Baylor.

South Carolina COCKS

I thought I was done scrolling for 6 seeds but I was wrong. I’m not sure what is going on here but a 6 seed feels a little high for a team that is 51 in NET and 49 in Kenpom. The picks become much easier when it’s just handed to us like this. I have them losing in round 2 to Creighton.

The 7 Seeds

Texasssss

I don’t generally like picking teams that have Quad 3 losses and I won’t be doing that in this case outside of the first round. They might even lose to this Colorado State team in round 1. They have the talent, but have lost way too many games and time has run out for them to get it together. I have them getting blasted in round 2 by Tennessee.

Florida

I’m going to keep this one short because I think they are completely fucked after Micah Handlogten broke his leg in the SEC championship. Todd Golden whips his cock out on an annual basis, but that injury is going to be too much to overcome for a deep run. I have them losing to whatever play-in team faces them in round 1.

Dayton

I saw someone claiming that every top team from the Covid cancelled year has either made a final 4 except Dayton. That’s a very meaningless stat that I take 0 stock in. This team is a worse version of several higher seeded teams in the field and runs into the buzz saw of Arizona in round 2. It’s over.

Washington State

I watched them beat Arizona late in the season and thought they were going to be dicks out, but I’m rescinding that take. They somehow lost to Colorado in the PAC-12 Tournament and potentially just have Arizona’s number. I have them losing to Iowa State in round 2. I have no idea how they beat Arizona twice.

The 8 Seeds

Nebraska

If I didn’t hate the Big 10 so much this would be my team. I watched Keisei Tominaga rain on Purdue in January and it felt like I was watching a tournament game. I don’t think it’s impossible for them to make a run I just have to be principled on the Big 10 slab narrative. I have them losing to Texas A&M in round 1.

Mississippi St

This is also a worse version of several of the higher seeded teams with a below average offense and good defense. That isn’t a good mix in the tournament. If you’re going to suck on offense your defense has to be elite and theirs is not. I have them losing to Michigan State in round 1.

Florida Atlantic

It’s unfortunate that this team was placed in the UConn/Auburn region otherwise I’d have considered a run again. I have no idea what to think of this team. They somehow have 2 fucking Quad 4 losses. How the hell is that even possible for an 8 seed? Luckily they drew a dogshit Big 10 team to start so they’ll get a freebie but then they run into the cock draggers of UConn and lose in round 2.

Utah St.

The Mountain West had a fucking legacy year when it comes to tournament teams. A couple of them got robbed by being put in the play-in slot, but still. Having said that I don’t have much faith in any of them to make a deep run and Utah State is no exception to that. I have them losing in round 1 to a TCU team who owns one of Houston’s 4 losses. \

The 9 Seeds

Michigan State

This is the only Big 10 team I respect and that is based almost on Izzo alone. Fortunately, this team rates extremely well in adjusted efficiency (by far the best 9 seed) and has the makings of a team that can make a run. They got the easiest 1 seed draw (besides Purdue) in UNC and have a great path to the Elite 8. I have them losing to Arizona in the Elite 8, but could easily see them going to the Final 4.

TCU

I don’t have much for them other than they have the son of Magic legend Jameer Nelson on their team. They are one of Houston’s 4 losses so the ceiling is there, but they were complete dogshit down the stretch and this tournament is about who is playing well right now. They are losing in the Sweet 16 to Gonzaga.

Texas A&M

The Aggies have 7 Quad 1 wins so you’d assume they are a good team. Not so fast. They are somehow 2-4 in Quad 3 games and went 20-14 overall. The SEC is obviously strong but losing that many Quad 3 games is enough to pause. Fortunately for them they drew a dogshit Big 10 team to start but will be eliminated by Houston in the round of 32.

Northwestern

Big 10 slab narrative. No other notes. They’re losing in round 1.

The 10 Seeds

Colorado, Colorado State, Nevada, Drake

I have none of these teams winning a game. There are some popular upset/darkhorse picks like Colorado State and Drake, but I don’t like any of them enough. Has anyone seen that Drake hose video on twitter?

The 11 Seeds

New Mexico, Oregon, N.C. State, Duquesne

This is where we start to cook with gas. I don’t have a huge amount of respect for the ACC this year. In fact, I think it’s slab narrative 2.0 next to the Big 10. Having said that there is something about coming into the tournament red-hot and that is what N.C. State is. If they can get past an average Texas Tech team it is wiiiiiide open for them. Kentucky is liable to lose to anyone and then they just have to keep it rolling. I have them losing in the Elite 8 to Houston. I have none of the other teams advancing past round 1. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the word Duquesne before.

The 12 Seeds

Grand Canyon, James Madison, McNeese St., UAB

GCU and McNeese got obscene draws against St. Mary’s and Gonzaga, but UAB and James Madison got some good ones. James Madison is a near lock against Wisconsin. It seems like that is a very popular upset pick but I look at it as a virtual lock. I have them losing to Houston in the Sweet 16. I have UAB beating San Diego St. who experiences some regression to the mean after they ran so hot last year in the tournament. They will get fucking blasted by Auburn in the second round. I have GCU and McNeese losing in round 1.

The 13 Seeds

Samford, Yale, Charleston, Vermont

Samford is seemingly one of the popular upset picks, but I still think they will struggle mightily with Kansas and ultimately lose. Yale had one of the wildest finishes in conference tournament play and somehow made the tourney. They’re getting blasted in round 1 so I guess it doesn’t matter. I also have Charleston losing in round 1. Vermont got one of the most favorable draws in the entire country playing Duke in round 1. This is one of the softest Duke teams in years. Vermont’s defense will cause problems for Duke and once the game stays close for too long it becomes 50/50. Filipkowski will be phantom limping around in no time at all. I have Vermont losing in round 2 to James Madison.

The 14 Seeds

Morehead St, Akron, Oakland, Colgate

I think these 4 teams have less of a chance than some of the 15/16 seeded teams to win outside of maybe Oakland. I’m still under the impression that Kentucky is liable to lose to anyone in the country, including Oakland. I didn’t pick any of these teams to win round 1 though.

The 15 Seeds

Western Kentucky, South Dakota St, Long Beach St., St. Peter’s

Western Kentucky is a popular upset pick but that is not happening. The Cocks are back after their Elite 8 run but I don’t see them having any chance against an extremely talented Tennessee team. The only interesting matchup is Long Cock State vs Arizona. Dan Monson was somehow allowed to continue coaching after being fired and then they made the tournament. Is there a number of wins where they’d consider bringing him back?

The 16 Seeds

The only note I have here is that Purdue is fucking losing to whichever one of those 16 seeds they play.