Week 1 was a fucking disaster and week 2 followed it up with an even worse result. I had to sit through the Marvin Harrison Jr. flop lag after playing him in nearly 100% of my lineups in week 1. I then submitted one of the worst showdown lineups I’ve ever made on Sunday night, scoring 45 points. It’s fair to say it’s been a slow start but I’ve never been more due in my fucking life.

I stared at the QBs for a long time. It’s been somewhat of a rough start to the season passing for almost every team except the Saints. Goodell is going to have to do something if this continues. I’ve been pounding the drum on this for weeks now. The Eagles have the fattest fucking OL in the league – this is no coincidence as the pass rates over expectation plummet across the league.

It’s Dak and Lamar week. This is the only game that isn’t going to be highly owned so I’m going all in on it. The Ravens are fighting for their fucking lives at 0-2 so I think this game has the potential to be one of the best games on the slate. It has the third highest total and some high priced players, but will have the lowest ownership of the top 3 game totals. It’s harder than my dick on a Sunday morning to fit these stacks in, but I will make it happen.

Dak is the other side and a bit easier to fit stacks in, but CeeDeeeeeez nuts is so expensive it makes it difficult. There is some value at running back that I will be gurgling like no other so I don’t give a fuck.

Live look at the rest of the field when they see the Cash God streaking to the top on the back of these stacks:

I’m sucking chalk at RB this week I don’t give a fuck. I’m mostly going to play Akers and Swift but will have a couple Gibbs mixed in where I can afford it.

I’m not sure how Akers is still in the league after the injuries he’s had but we’ve arrived at Akers chalk week. What could possibly go wrong?

Swift might be my favorite play of the week at running back. The Colts have allowed an obscene amount of rushing yards per game this year (somehow over 200) and he is so fucking due for a breakout game.

I’m playing Gibbs anywhere I can afford him. The Lions side of this Cards-Lions game is under-owned, including Swift. I’m going to be uncoiling my cock from my pants when Swift runs his 3rd in:

The stacks this week are simple with Lamar and Dak. I’m going 100% Lamar skinny stack with Flowers. I could maybe see a Mark Andrews lineup slipping through the cracks but that guy is washed as fucking hell so I will probably end up with 0. Lamar is going to be running a little extra with the pressure of 0-3 on the line.

Dak and Cedeeeeeez Nuts are due for one of THOSE games. I like Dake-Lamb single stack or with Ferguson. I’m going all in on this game and fortunately it’s the late hammer so I will have hope all day.

The other WRs I like this week are Greg Dortch (if he plays), Nabers (play him until he’s $8k narrative), Jameson Williams (crack open the Jameson), Diontae Johnson (Bryce Young ass shit narrative), Rome Odunze (dad complaining on Twitter narrative), and Brandin Cooks in some Dak stacks. If I whiff on all of these this will be a live shot of me staring at my bank account:

Tight ends are rough this week and this year. There is no value. I’m playing either Mundt or Ferguson. I would be playing LaPorta at 1% ownership if I could fit him into any of these fucking lineups, but I simply can’t. I don’t see much of another option this week unless you want to be stuck sucking your own dick.

Defense was nearly impossible this week and it’s more of a situation where I am just playing what fits. It looks like anyone besides the 20% owned Bucs are an option this week. One of my favorites is the Saints at home and I might end up having to play the Rams in one because of them being the only one that fits. The Saints are the only team in the league (or one of) so far that is scoring enough to make the opponents play from behind constantly.

It’s time for the week 3 Cash God Guarantee. It’s CeeDeez Nuts. I’m already all in on this BAL-DAL game so this is only right. He’s the highest priced player on the slate with the highest ceiling on the slate against a defense allowing the most passing yards in the league through 2 games. It’s nearly safe to say this new Baltimore DC is dog shit. At around 5% ownership this is the best play on the slate if you can fit it. It’s similar to fitting my dick into a Pringles can but just like with the can, I will make it work. Live shot of me when Lamb busts one for 90 for his 3rd TD of the afternoon: