I didn’t do a full writeup last week but still got completely fucking blasted. I landed on the Burrow stack and STILL didn’t even cash. I am either so fucking bad or nobody runs worse. Thinking the latter. There’s only one way to save this sinking ship and that’s to fire away again this week.

It’s time for the plays.

It looks like it’s Lamar Jackson week but not for me. That is my favorite game of the week but I’m playing the other side. I’ve got a piece of a Jayden Daniels +4500 ticket and every touchdown he scores makes my pole grow more than the walking bets segments on twitter. I’m playing the Rattler Snake. That price is too good to pass on and he’s not the only snake that will be unleashed today. He would have to be really bad to not hit at $4k and he was already whacking off Olave so I am expecting at minimum 15 targets.

I’m going back to the fucking well on King Henry this week. There is nothing worse than watching him flounder like a fish out of water during a game that had almost 80 total points. This time I think he gets it done and busts a few, similar to how I’ll be busting a few Sunday afternoon. His price tag will scare people away and I’m only seeing around 5% ownership. He’s been known to break slates and I can only hope I finally land on one.

The Bijan ownership is going to be out of control and for only $100 more you can just play Josh Jacobs in a similar matchup against the Cards, so in lineups I can afford it I will be chasing the flop lag from last week. It’s going to be hard to fit anyone else with Henry so if anything else I’ll play David Montgomery or Chuba Hubbard. Playing Rattler allows me to play whoever the hell you want at RB.

Is this the week Ja’Lynn Polk takes his cock out? Is my dick 15 inches long? Coincidentally, the answer to both of those questions is yes. I’m going to have so many big dog lineups I won’t need many Ravens WRs. My main stack is the Rattler Snake + Olave + Kamara so there isn’t a need for value but this is just a good play. I heard enough out of those press conferences of Rattler jacking off Olave. It doesn’t get more clear than that.

Some of the one-off WRs I like this week are ASB, Tolbert and I’ll probably fire a dart on Romeo Doubs somewhere. There is some sort of squeaky wheel narrative going on with him that I’d love to be a part of. I never pass up an opportunity to get in on a narrative whether it be Shit Chest Odell or anything else.

Tight end ownership looks extremely concentrated to Jake Ferguson this week and that is the easiest fade of all time. Think back to a time where you played a $5k tight end and it worked out? There’s a higher chance of my dick being longer than Visanthe Shiancoe’s than Jake Ferguson hitting value this weekend and that’s saying something. I’ll be playing Ertz and Otton almost exclusively. Live shot of my living room when Otton is chugging along for yet another 3 yards catch.

After firing off a bunch of Rattler lineups there’s no problem with salary. The defenses I like this week are Green Bay, LAC and maybe some of the Patriots if you really need to dip down.

It’s time for the Week 6 Cash God Guarantee. It’s time for the big dog. I already explained it above but this Baltimore-Washington game is my favorite on the slate, second highest total. I’m alllllllllll in. Henry almost got there last week with that OT run but this time I think he breaks the slate at 5% ownership. He’s so expensive so it appears everyone is going Lamar and maybe the pass game. The Ravens need every win they can get and will be plowing with him all game. Let’s do something special this week.