Believe it or not I have been on a bit of a min cash heater in showdowns lately. I still don’t think I’ve gone positive on a main slate so it’s all for nothing, but still. I’m right on the fucking doorstep. I’ve landed on the correct game/stack two weeks in a row just can’t seem to get it quite right. This week it looks like there is a $10 milly maker, which means it’s time to fire the fucking cannons.

I took a long look at this slate and can’t come up with a better play than Sam Darnold for GPPs. I think a case could be made for naked Hurts with a Nabers comeback but otherwise if you play someone like Kirk you’re going to run into the giga chalk of Drake London. I’m all in on Darnold in what I think should be the best game of the slate. Coming off of a bye week he should be back to full health and ready to unveil his dick and thrust himself back into the MVP race again.

There is some heavy chalk at running back this week, with Chubby Dick Hubbard at 30 and Kenneth Walker III at about 25%. My favorite play is Brian Robinson Jr. assuming he plays. The Panthers continue to be complete dogshit and I don’t see that stopping this week. He’s good leverage off of a chalk Jayden Daniels.

The other running back I like this week is De’Von Achane. This offense is beyond inept without Tua but I have some faith in Huntley being able to do enough to make Achane playable. The Colts are allowing the second most rushing yards per game in the league and there is not a doubt in my mind that Achane will be leaving his mark on the turf in the shape of a gigantic mushroom stamp come Sunday afternoon. It’ll look something like this:

My favorite stack this week is Darnold – Jefferson – Addison. Ideally I’d play Laporta or ASB but I tried building that lineup around 100 times and could not get anything I liked so I will probably end up playing Tim Patrick. I have no idea how that guy gets open much less plays, but Goff seems to love throwing him the ball. It won’t take much at that price ($3.5k). If he catches a TD I will be helicopter dicking it. The other WR I like this week are Whittington (especially if Kupp is out), JSN (He is due for a cock unveiling ceremony) and Nabers (if you can fit him in your lineup).

At TE I want to play Bowers so badly, but I don’t think I can justify that price if it doesn’t allow me to play Nabers so I will end up playing almost exclusively Njoku. I will eat chalk I don’t give a fuck. Watson is fucking terrible but Cooper leaving makes him the clear number 1 pass catcher and at $4.1k that feels like a lock. The only other TE I will consider is Kyle Pitts. He still owes me multiple million from previous seasons. Live shot of the $5k TEs sucking their own dicks all Sunday long:

The only two defenses I consistently landed on were the Browns and the Giants. I can’t get myself to pay up unless the opportunity presents itself and these are the lowest priced ones I can get myself to play. If I were to pay up I would probably play the Vikings at extremely low ownership against a continental soldier in Goff who tends to struggle a bit on the road.

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. It’s Malik Nabers. I have no fucking idea how they are still pricing him under $8k much less as the 6th receiver on the slate. That is an absolute joke and I’ll be playing him every week until he is the highest priced WR on the slate. This was the easiest guarantee of the year and I fully expect him to drag cock for 60 minutes straight on Sunday. I have a good feeling about this slate, come Monday I’ll be staring at a $1,000,000 Draftkings balance.