I can’t say last week went well. I landed on Hampton but suffered through a Malik Nabers torn ACL and a Caleb Williams stack. I’m close to folding it in for the season. I ask this a lot, but does anyone run worse? Have you ever seen variance go the wrong way for someone so many times in a row? This week is somewhat make or break for me I’m truly not sure if I’ve cashed yet this season.

There’s nothing better than two dogshit defenses inside a dome. That’s the exact situation we have on our hands this week in New Orleans. I’m playing Jaxson Dart and ready to fucking print. I almost started writing about Bryce Young and still might slip him in a few but it’s Jaxson Dart week. The Chargers are a rough D to draw for start 1 – I expect some fireworks this week against a Saints D that is one of the bottom 5 in the league in all metrics.

I’d love to play Fields but apparently everyone else does too. I’m pivoting to Danny Dimes in the second highest total on the slate. He was borderline turbo dogshit last week but I expect a bounce back against an ass cheeks Raiders defense this week. There are plenty of pass catchers to stack in this game and it has the same total as the highest owned game on the slate (Cowboys/Jets), it looks like the best pivot to me, especially considering JT is gonna be gigachalk. Maybe that’s how every fish will think but I don’t give a fuck I’m playing Dimes stacks. Live shot of my cam on twitter live when he hits the 300 yard boner and has 2 rushing TDs:

I’m paying up for Jahmyr Gibbs this week and it’s almost a bit of a pivot given the ownerships of JT and Achane. The Bengals are the saddest, hopeless sacks of shit in the league. Zac Taylor is on the fast track to being fired, I’ve been told several times by someone on Twitter. This should be a slate breaking week unless Monty steals some TDs.

I’m making a call this week that might backfire but I think it’s a good spot to let it fly given some of the chalk out there this week at RB. This might be RJ Harvey’s last week at $4.5k and I won’t be missing the breakout. They are comparing it to Kamara’s rise in New Orleans with Sean Payton. This is a horrific matchup but he can easily get there at $4.5k with huge upside in pass catching. I’m going to be helicoptering my dick hard enough to send me to the hospital if he breaks out this week.

I like any receiver in my stacks above (Colts, Raiders, Giants, Saints).

My favorite other combo is the Tetairoa McMillan and Jaylen Waddle mini stack. McMillan is one of the best plays on the entire slate against a donkey cheeks Miami D. This game is great in general so I’ll just play the other side in a mini stack with Waddle in a full game without Tyreek.

Another WR I like this week is Ladd McConkey. He is getting fucking dragged on twitter so it’s the best time to buy low and he gets a cake matchup with the Commanders at home. They have to fly all the way across the country to play them.

I still cannot get a TE right this year. I thought last year was bad but this year is somehow maybe worse. I might suck my own sack and play Jake Ferguson. The $4k range for TE is the worst range but I might have to do it. I’ll likely mostly play Waller and Juwan Johnson. If only Tongues was on the slate…

At DST play whoever the fuck you want or whoever fits. I’ll likely be playing NYG in non-dart lineups and the Chargers. The Commanders are flying across the country and Jayden Daniels has the biggest knee brace I’ve ever seen in my life.

It’s time. The Week 5 CGG s Jakobi Meyers. This isn’t flashy but he is the best play on the slate and it isn’t even close. I will have him in every single lineup. The Raiders OL is completely fucked but the way Meyers is projecting you simply can’t fade him at that price. This is the least exciting CGG of all time but perhaps this is the one that brings me the elusive million?