The Cash God

Tag: fantasy football picks

Week 13 NFL DFS Preview: Back to the Bijan Well

I thought I’d stumbled upon the nuts last week when I saw the fucking Gardner snake running in a touchdown and Pittman going wild. The snake cooled down and somehow only ended with 15. My dick was creeping out of my pants, somehow only culminating in a min cash. What the fuck. I’m seeing the…

December 2, 2023
Valero Texas Open Preview: Fox and the Geezers

I took the week off last week as a result of the match play setup. I don’t even want to think back on what happened in the tournament before match play. It was a fucking abysmal showing by me. Now we arrive at the final tune-up before the Masters. A field that is one of…

March 29, 2023
Super Bowl Sunday DFS Preview: The Kelce Fade 2.0

Normally in this first paragraph I talk about getting blasted by the slate and variance, but I’m going to put it simply. I’ve taken my cock out on the last 3 slates. These playoff slates have been the best 3 of the year for me and my DraftKings balance is at a 3-year high (non-deposit).…

February 10, 2023
NFL Championship Sunday DFS Preview: Skeleton Key Perine and the Chase Fade

I kept it fucking rolling last week until Saturday night at around 1am when I degen-entered the Sunday-only slate. I still ended up with a good week despite losing every single entry on the Sunday-only slate. Another 2 game slate this weekend with only 4 teams left. It’s more important than ever to really pick…

January 27, 2023
NFL Divisional Round DFS Preview: Deebo and I Jag Off

The Saturday and Sunday slates last week were a few of my best of the season. On Saturday I thought I had fucked up so badly with Lawrence throwing 4 picks in the first half. But then, foot by foot, his pants snake crept out of hiding. I’m looking to keep it rolling this weekend…

January 20, 2023
Wild Card Sunday NFL DFS Special: Barkley, Hodgins and the Thielen Curtain Call

DraftKings had a few options this weekend, but they didn’t make it a 6-game slate, or even a 5-game Saturday-Sunday slate. The good news with that is that we have more shots on goal. The bad news is that I *could* be losing 3 times as much money this weekend. Or maybe I take my…

January 14, 2023
Week 17 NFL DFS Main Slate Preview: Etienne and the Pendulum

I was coming off one of my worst DFS Sundays of the season on Monday. I then sit back to watch the Colts-Chargers game with two season-long teams needing about 5 points out of Dick Folds to advance. I was relaxed. What Folds do? He proceeds to gurgle his own dick like it’s the last…

December 30, 2022
Monday Night Football DFS Preview: The Freier and the D

I faded Garrett Wilson when I saw a 30%+ ownership projection and he proceeded to remove his dick from his shorts and swing it around at less than half of that. Mike White appears to be the real deal and they play the Vikings next week so I’ll be noting that for the main slate.…

November 28, 2022
Thanksgiving Day Slate NFL DFS Preview: Jared Goes Diggs Out

Maybe this goes without saying, but I got completely fucked by the Rondale Moore injury on Monday and my night was over on what was pretty much the first play. I could hardly watch the game. Good thing we have a short week and a 3-game slate on Thursday. While everyone gurgles down turkey I’ll…

November 23, 2022
Week 11 NFL DFS Preview: Gabe Davis and the Dome

Bears GM, Tank Commander Poles woke up with the biggest erection of his life on Monday morning after seeing Fields blast off and lose (salvaging their top 5 pick odds). Fields is clearly in play every week now that HC Eberflus has removed his head from his own anus. Nothing went egregiously wrong last week.…

November 18, 2022