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John Deere Classic Preview: The Grand Slam Breakfast
I’m back after recovering from what was an absolute fucking disaster at the U.S. Open. I cashed 0 of my lineups as Homa missed the cut and the rest of my plays gurgled their own fucking dicks for 36-72 holes. I’m still so tilted. Good thing this John Deere Classic field isn’t one of the…
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THE PLAYERS Championship Preview: Will the Thrill and the Cycle of Hits
Last week was a complete abomination. Here I was whipping my dick out and swinging it around after I see Rahm’s first round. Little did I know he would proceed to shit bricks for the rest of the tourney. My lineup was already dead when Byeong An withdrew with what they are describing as a…
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Arnold Palmer Invitational Preview: Fitzmagic and The Year of Rahm
I had my 3rd 6/6 single entry on the year last week. I ended up with Lowry, Pendick, Vegas, Jaegerbombs, S. Kim, and Hicock. I got lucky and dodged the Denny dick gurgling because I couldn’t fit him in with Pendick and Lowry, but liked him as a play going into the tournament. Kim had…
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Genesis Invitational Preview: Bigdicki and the Well Water
I stopped looking at my lineup after the cut last week after having 4 players miss the cut. How the fuck is that even possible? It turns out variance does swing like a pendulum. Shane the fucking brain was a complete failure. Fleetwood, Jizzer, and Posten also inexplicably missed the cut. All in all, it…
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AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am Preview: Spieth and I Head to Denny’s
Last week Robby Shelton birdied 18 to deliver my second 6/6 single entry of the year. I had absolutely 0 faith in it. Woodcock butchered half of the course and Cock Palmer forgot how to play golf on day 4. I still profited because of Homa’s win, but it could have been a much bigger…
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The American Express Preview: Tom Kim and the Grand Slam
Last week was one of my best golf results in recent memory. I had a 6/6 single entry in contention all weekend. There is nothing quite like sweating a Matt Kuchar made cut then having him go on a run to remember on the weekend to finish top 10. It’s safe to say I put…
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Houston Open Preview: Wise and Scheffler’s Quest
I’m slamming the Viagra for these golf slates. There’s no option. I just missed a min-cash on my single entry last week as a result of S.H. Kim performing a dick-gurgling routine on himself. Onto another horrific field. The new year cannot come quick enough for these golf events. S.H. and I both gurgling on…
The Cash God 