-
John Deere Classic Preview: The Grand Slam Breakfast
I’m back after recovering from what was an absolute fucking disaster at the U.S. Open. I cashed 0 of my lineups as Homa missed the cut and the rest of my plays gurgled their own fucking dicks for 36-72 holes. I’m still so tilted. Good thing this John Deere Classic field isn’t one of the…
-
RBC Canadian Open Preview: Fitzmagic and the Second Coming of Jason
By now we have all heard the news and seen all the takes. The only rational take is that the PGA tour players got completely robbed and Jay Monahan folded like a card table. You almost feel bad for Rory. Almost. It doesn’t really matter what happened. The one thing that matters is that we…
-
Valspar Championship Preview: Gurgling Down Another Denny’s Grand Slam
The unthinkable happened last week. I had a 6/6 that didn’t cash. Zalatoris had his worst day in the job. It would’ve been better had he just missed the cut and saved me any hope of cashing. The agony of opening the app on Sunday afternoon and seeing a 0 was overwhelming. I’m embarrassed to…
-
The Honda Classic Preview: Pendick and the Hits
Last week didn’t do my bankroll any favors. I already tweeted about it but I’ll say it again. One week without NFL has turned into a blank NBA lineup, a placeholder NBA lineup, and $25 lit on fire and flushed down a paint-jobbed toilet via the NASCAR Milly Maker. I am fiending for a win…
-
WM Phoenix Open Preview: Shane the Brain
I was a Troy Merritt implosion away from another 6/6 last week. I’m not sure what the fuck happened to him, but course history failed me in that instance and I was left with a single-entry lineup fighting for its fucking life to min-cash. The field this week looks stacked. I begin the week with…
-
AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am Preview: Spieth and I Head to Denny’s
Last week Robby Shelton birdied 18 to deliver my second 6/6 single entry of the year. I had absolutely 0 faith in it. Woodcock butchered half of the course and Cock Palmer forgot how to play golf on day 4. I still profited because of Homa’s win, but it could have been a much bigger…
-
RSM Classic Preview: Griffin and the Course History
Last week was the first 6/6 in a long time, but Aaron Wise prevented me from winning anything meaningful. He started out T1 after a -5 first round and began his sack gurgling routine on Friday, finishing T22. Scheffler finished T9, which was actually pretty fucking bad for the field, another week without the number…
-
Houston Open Preview: Wise and Scheffler’s Quest
I’m slamming the Viagra for these golf slates. There’s no option. I just missed a min-cash on my single entry last week as a result of S.H. Kim performing a dick-gurgling routine on himself. Onto another horrific field. The new year cannot come quick enough for these golf events. S.H. and I both gurgling on…
-
Tour Championship Preview: Thomas and the Hole in my Wall
The Cash God is back. Just in time for NFL. I min cashed the big fucking papa. There is nothing better than seeing that bag of money on the Draftkings app even if it was a net loss of a week. Bigdicki and Spieth started out hot but gurgled a bit on Saturday and Sunday…
-
BMW Championship Preview: Spieth and the Bigdicki WD Narrative
Steele pole fucked my lineup. I still ended up almost cashing despite a 5/6. I would have taken a min cash at this point. This is the worst streak of my life. I think we start to question the process a little, but playing a single lineup makes the margin for error thinner than my…
The Cash God 