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Monday Night Football DFS Preview: Likely Solo Kamara
It really began to set in when I got the Mixon touchdown notification for the third time that my day was fucking over. It didn’t end there. He kept pounding. Between 0 Mixon and Aaron Jones finding his floor, I got absolutely dick-dusted. I think it’s safe to say a few things: 1) Herbert is…
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Week 9 NFL DFS Preview: Jones and the Sherbert Explosion
I described it in detail in the Monday Night Football write-up, but I lost it all on Sunday. No Kamara and fading the Pollard chalk was enough to cancel out any profit. After looking at the winning lineups I take some solace in the fact that these had to be some of the all-time chalkiest…
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Monday Night Football DFS Preview: Double Kicker and the Chubb
I could hardly open the DraftKings app on Sunday. I inexplicably faded Tony Pollard, got slapped in the face by the long dick of the law in Alvin Kamara, and finished near the bots in almost all of my contests. I don’t want to see any victory lapping about Pollard. He barely played over 50%…
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Week 8 NFL DFS Preview: Hopkins and an Unrelenting Hill
I already lamented over the paint job to the face I received from the slate last week in the Monday Night Preview article. Josh Jacobs‘ chalk hitting, DK Metcalf‘s injury, and the Falcons’ egregious pass rate did me in. How the fuck did Atlanta only throw the ball 13 times? My only solution is that…
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Monday Night Football Preview: Frankenstein and the Dart
The slate wasn’t really that bad for me until DK Metcalf got injured and it all started crumbling. Shortly after that Josh Jacobs unveiled his foot-long python on the Texans’ defense and the day was over for me. Somehow the Raiders scored 38 points and Davante Adams didn’t score a touchdown. The highlight of the…
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Week 7 NFL DFS Preview: King Henry and the Point Chase
Starting off my lineups last week with Kirk, Lamar, or Kyler clearly was not a winning formula, but getting onto Tyreek and Mark Andrews allowed me to salvage my sack from a total loss. Return to the Superdome narrative against a dogshit Saints defense missing Lattimore should have been at the forefront of my mind…
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Monday Night Football Preview: Russ and Hackkjob Finally Cook
I don’t know what else to say other than the Kirk stacks were a fucking terrible idea. The Dolphins’ offense was limper than Matt Ryan’s penis elbow so there was absolutely no speeding up the pace of the game, despite the Vikings’ defense being possibly the worst in the league. Even the Bears scored 20…
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Week 6 NFL DFS Preview: Action Jackson and the TE Hogs
Chalk James Robinson and the 22% Cowboys D drained my profit along with my dick faster than I thought was humanly possible on Sunday afternoon. I had a few Josh Allen to Gabe Davis/Shakir lineups, but went way too heavy on Herbert to Mike Williams and completely faded the Bucs-Falcons game where Uncle Fourskin left…
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Monday Night Football Preview: JuJu Unveils and the Kelce Fade
If there was any doubt that games are rigged for Brady, look no further than that “roughing the passer” call that cost the Falcons the fucking game. Brady got swung down like a flaccid piece of lettuce, but he had the ball the entire time. I don’t know how you watch another game as a…
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Week 5 Preview: Big Mike and the Volcano
I liked Geno going into last week, but there’s no way I could have predicted that type of game from him. He was swinging his cock around the field like he was back in West Virginia circa 2012. I went a little heavier on Lamar than I should have and faded Hockencock so that ultimately…
The Cash God 