The Cash God

Tag: satire

  • Week 2 Preview: Dick Chubb’s Eruption

    Week 2 Preview: Dick Chubb’s Eruption

    Week 1 was fucking terrible for me. Truly one of the worst weeks of all time. I take solace in the fact that it seems like the chalk hit, which means my contrarian-focused GPP lineups would be complete shit. That’s what I call variance. To top it all off on Sunday afternoon (I was obviously…

  • Fortinet Championship Preview: Hideki’s Steele Pole

    Fortinet Championship Preview: Hideki’s Steele Pole

    The PGA is back and holy shit this has to be one of the worst fields I’ve ever seen. When Taylor Pendrith is the 6th highest priced guy it’s clear what type of field we are working with. It’s extremely difficult to get your dick hard for anything like this, but there are GPPs to…

  • BMW Championship Preview: Spieth and the Bigdicki WD Narrative

    BMW Championship Preview: Spieth and the Bigdicki WD Narrative

    Steele pole fucked my lineup. I still ended up almost cashing despite a 5/6. I would have taken a min cash at this point. This is the worst streak of my life. I think we start to question the process a little, but playing a single lineup makes the margin for error thinner than my…

  • Wyndham Championship Preview: Webby and the Thrill

    Wyndham Championship Preview: Webby and the Thrill

    My single entry went 4/6. Denny McCarthy and I both gurgled our own fucking nutsacks all weekend. I’m not sure what was worse, him missing the cut or me playing Frittelli. The fact that he shot over par with the way the course played is an embarrassment to the sport. In other news, Cockrack is…

  • Rocket Mortgage Classic Preview: Gurgling Down the Denny’s

    Rocket Mortgage Classic Preview: Gurgling Down the Denny’s

    This past week ended early for me. This time it wasn’t paint on the club it was “wrist soreness”. It might go without saying what that is from but I was hearing Bigdicki almost broke the record for times whacking it in a single day. That’ll leave anyone’s wrist fucked up so I completely understand.…

  • 3M Open Preview: Hadwin and the Pelter

    3M Open Preview: Hadwin and the Pelter

    I finally saw some green on Draftkings this past week. Holy shit it was a bad run. Let me first start by saying that Brooks Koepka should never have more than 0% ownership going forward. If there was ever a time for him to not act like a limp, dead penis it was this past…

  • Travelers Championship Preview: Cantplay and the Scrubs

    Travelers Championship Preview: Cantplay and the Scrubs

    I’m not even sure where to start with the recap this week. Hovland had his sack repeatedly slapped with the flat side of a driver en route to a +7 missed cut. Fleetwood Mac looked like a fucking corpse for two straight days and matched that score. I don’t know that I’ve had a worse…

  • U.S. Open Preview: Hovland and the Wandering Donkey

    U.S. Open Preview: Hovland and the Wandering Donkey

    My nightmare came true this past week. Rory fucking won it. I also had to endure Brandon Wu withdrawing before the tournament began, absolutely dick dusting my single entry lineup. Then Hatton and Schwab took turns shitting on each other throughout Thursday and Friday. All things considered, it was a top 5 worst possible result.…

  • The Memorial Tournament Preview: Cantplay’s Steele Pole

    The Memorial Tournament Preview: Cantplay’s Steele Pole

    I thought I was in a great spot heading into the weekend with double the field on 6/6s in my tournament. I thought wrong. Cockrack became a sack of shit and Scheffler blew the lead. I had 100% Cockrack thinking he’d contend for the win but he could not overcome the brick that came out…

  • Charles Schwab Challenge Preview: Cockrack Defends the Throne

    Charles Schwab Challenge Preview: Cockrack Defends the Throne

    I got what I deserved by making Uncle Dustball Johnson the Cash God Guarantee last week. The guy forgot his Viagra at home and limp-dicked his way through two +3 rounds to miss the cut. I’m not sure what else I expected. Another massive disappointment was Daniel Berger. The Burgers were undercooked and everyone involved…