I’m not sure how many weeks we are into this, but at what point do we assess whether it’s bad variance or a horrific process? I’m going to say it’s just bad variance. There is nothing worse than opening the app on Friday evening and seeing several lineups with 5 fucking MCs. The weekly tradition continues.

Speaking of weekly traditions, excluding Rory is even more satisfying this week knowing he is going to be the chalkiest donkey on the slate. Imagine the feeling of cool, crisp aloe vera applied directly to your sunburnt dick. Yeah, that is the exact same feeling as clicking the exclude button on Rory each week. I’ll get right to the plays.

Dial up the fucking papa. We are headed back to Papa Jon’s. Rahm is, as always, one of the best plays in the field. He was complete dogshit (T55) last week at the Genesis Scottish Open, but I’ll chalk that up to a warmup round for this week. He finished T12 at the U.S. Open last month and is one of the favorites this week at the geezer course. He’s projected under 10% ownership. I’ll be balls fucking deep.

It’s hard for me to go back to this well given the fact that the water in the well tasted like it came out of a toilet full of shit… but I will. The next name is Justin Thomas. There were some rumors that he is dealing with a lingering back injury from his fapping posture, but hopefully the only thing that does is lower his ownership. He’s missed 2 of his last 4 cuts, but already has a major win this year at the PGA Championship and should be in a great spot to bounce back. I found a picture of Thomas at the Genesis Scottish Open last week, missing the cut.

I’m going to play Hovland until I run out of money or win the million. He’s been running even worse than me. He rates out extremely well in strokes gained but is somehow taking a buzz saw to the nutsack at these tournaments every week. He’s missed two straight cuts but I expect him to bounce back into the form he made 9 straight in. He also should be a bit lower owned (projected at 4%) as a result of being dog ass lately.

This next name is my favorite in the $9ks by far. It’s Cam Smith. He didn’t help his ownership percentage by getting a T10 last week at the Genesis Scottish Open, but he had really lodged his dick so far down his own throat it was starting to become troublesome and I wasn’t sure if he’d bounce back in time. He’s been on the brink a few times this year with a T3 at the Masters and a T13 at the PGA Championship. He’s the best play in this range and should be in contention to win all weekend. Cam Smith showing up to the geezer course this weekend:

My favorite play in the $8k range is going to be a popular one. I’m ready to geese chalk down my throat. It’s Tommy Fleetwood Mac. I’m going to ignore his sack gurgling at the U.S. Open. I’m not sure what his problem on U.S. soil is but he is completely different at the European events. His last 4 results at The Open have been T33, T2, T12, and T27. As you can see he tends to drag his dick across the faces of these tournaments. I expect him to be a bit chalky (17%), but he is by far the best play in the range.

Mr. Major will not be outdone by Zalatoris any longer. The setup for Koepka couldn’t be any better. He makes a shit load of money from LIV Golf, doesn’t have to play in the shitty PGA events, and can play in the majors. The amount of extra time he must have to whack off is astounding. People seem to have forgotten how fucking good he is at majors and as a result he will be one of the best leverage plays on the slate (projected at 2%). He has top 6 finishes at 3 of his last 4 Opens. I’m all in.

I cannot stop clicking the fucking Seabass. At some point playing the fucking hits will be rewarded. Unfortunately I played his sorry ass last week when he missed the cut. Before that miss he had made 11 straight cuts, including a T14 at the U.S. Open last month. He is one of the best values on the slate at $7.2k. I don’t see any way to fade him. Meet at the fucking dock on Thursday morning, bring the poles.

Speaking of playing the fucking hits. We don’t often get the chance to play Cockrack and Gooch together anymore. They are both extremely low priced and will likely be very underowned. Gooch missed the cut at the U.S. Open and proceeded to join the LIV Golf tour so who knows if he’s playing like shit or not. He’s finished T14 at the Masters and T20 at the PGA Championship this year so there is plenty of evidence of him taking his Gooch out on the course.

Rumors around Cockrack joining LIV have been going on for months now, but he might just be a man of integrity and stay on the PGA Tour. Like Munoz, both Cockrack and Gooch are $7.2k and amongst the best values on the slate (even despite Cockrack’s recent struggles). He’s either stormed off the course or missed the cut in his last 3 tournaments, but there is no better spot to bounce back. I’ll be there going for his ball on 18 when he putts for the win:

My favorite play in the $6k range is Mackenzie Huge Dick. I’m not going to go as far as calling him Mr. Major lite, but for a shitter $6k Hughes has made 2/3 cuts at the majors this year, including a top 25 finish at the U.S. Open. He’s made 4 of his last 5 cuts and finished 6th at The Open last year. This is clearly one of the best plays in the dogshit range.

The next name I like is Dylan Frittelli. This is his first and only major this year so he better make it fucking count. This guy is a fucking bot, making 12 of his last 13 cuts. He has a top 10 finish on the year as well so there is some semblance of ceiling. Live video of me when Frittelli finishes in the top 15:

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. This week it’s Shane the fucking brain time. Lowry gurgled on his own dick several times at the last major (Missed cut at the U.S. Open) so I expect him to be extremely motivated this weekend. Before that, he had made 9 straight cuts including a T3 at the Masters and a T23 at the PGA Championship. He fucking loves the European events, especially the last two years The Open (T12 in 2021 and a win in 2019). This is his fucking week. I’ll gladly pay for a new TV after a dick-shaped hole is blasted through it upon Shane winning me the million on Sunday. I already have it in my Amazon cart, in fact.

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I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

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